My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your general sentiment OP but I find your example of your husbands narcissism odd. I would not expect news like that to be broadcasted to my in laws unless there was a specific reason / context. Never mind expecting my husband to bring it up in a conversation just between him and his mother. You do realize they might have been or may want to talk about things not related to you?

OP here. I am not sure what would be odd about letting his mom know that the huge effort and expense of the law school has paid off and that I could finally start a new phase in my life by working as a lawyer.

This is weird. This reads like you are the narcissist. Why would your inlaws care about your education? Did they pay for it?

My inlaws could care less about my accomplishments. They care about their child and grandchildren. I have my own family who care about me and my children.

I love the way Americans treat their extremely dysfunctional families as self-evident norm to be followed.

NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned, and so is she (sounds like she is very thoughtful for her age).

Once she is in her early 20s, the boys from good families will absolutely be considering your family dynamic before proposing marriage. Their families will insist on it and they will, by then, naturally be considering it themselves.

So now is the time to get your house in order so that you do not burden her and limit her marriage prospects.

The boys from bad families won't care, but I assume you'd rather she didn't marry them.

OP here. Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I would absolutely love to "get my house in order". Unfortunately divorce seems to be the only way, which I think I cannot afford now. But I also have to keep in mind how my daughter will be affected by the constant quarrel at home.

Unfortunately, that ship has already sailed. The only thing you can try to do is mitigate the damage. Ask yourself a hard question. Is it unaffordable because you can't maintain your current standard of living, or is it unaffordable because you really couldn't even swing a studio apartment? What exactly is it you are waiting for?

OP here. I could not maintain my standard of living. We would need to sell our house. With the current interest rates I could not afford to buy even a small house in a less desirable area. Hoping to stick it out a bit longer...

PP. So I grew up in a house with parents who fought all the time and refused to get divorced. Still going at it 40 years later. I love them, I like interacting with them separately. Together, I hate it. I hated that house and every weekend I got I hung out with friends to avoid it. I don't know your situation specifically, but I will assert that in the end, it's not a house that makes a home. It's a safe place where you feel at ease, no matter the size.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your general sentiment OP but I find your example of your husbands narcissism odd. I would not expect news like that to be broadcasted to my in laws unless there was a specific reason / context. Never mind expecting my husband to bring it up in a conversation just between him and his mother. You do realize they might have been or may want to talk about things not related to you?

OP here. I am not sure what would be odd about letting his mom know that the huge effort and expense of the law school has paid off and that I could finally start a new phase in my life by working as a lawyer.

Firstly if you’re old enough to have a teenage daughter I’m a little skeptical that the law school expenses/lost earnings will significantly pay off. Secondly the fact that you’re so hung up on your MIL’s approval is concerning and probably the more significant issue you should be worried about with an impressionable daughter.

[Anonymous]

Therapy for her and ideally both of you. I realized I didn’t choose great partners at the onset and likely settled for someone because I was shown poor examples of marriage. It’s important to be aware of your worth and to understand what is a healthy relationship and marriage. Counseling can help, being self aware helps, and for your girls, team sports is great for building confidence so I’d ensure she has at minimum a sports hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband and I sadly have a high-conflict relationship and would love to divorce. He is a narcissist who lacks empathy (just a quick example: he didn't consider the fact that I passed the bar exam to be newsworthy when he spoke with his mom on the day when we found out the results).

My teenage daughter considers herself to be less desirable in the eyes of boys because her parents have a bad relationship with each other. She things boys will choose other girls over her because they will not want to get into a broken family.
She is also worried that he will choose a partner who will not become an involved father, just like her own dad is checked out.

I find this very sad, and I would love to improve her sense of self-worth. I realize that the type of relationship we model sets a bad example, and I would love to balance that out.

I told her that she is still a long way of settling down with a young man, and that boys in high school are more interested in her looks and whether she is kind and fun to be around. Nobody really cares about the girl's parents. And that when she will be off to college and about to settle down maybe in her late 20s, her parents will really not matter at all. Still, very sad that she cannot be proud of us.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

I had a friend from high school who declared that she would never date someone with divorced parents because they wouldn't know how to be a good partner. She did marry a guy with divorced parents. And her parents divorced because her dad was a serial philanderer.

My college boyfriend's parents were divorced, and I have no doubt that he chose a wife carefully and is a wonderful husband today because he didn't want his future children to go through what he did.

Your DD should not worry about this.

[Anonymous]

Get a divorce. Everything will be better after that.

Be a badass single mom attorney. If anyone looks down on your daughter for that, F them.

[Anonymous]

I took the bar exam in CA where the first time pass rate was low compared to other states besides New York. The day after law school graduation we had to be at the bar study center at 8 am for our first prep session. I couldn't socialize or deal with anything besides studying/sleeping/eating/exercising for about two months. I was single at the time, but if I were with a partner that would have impacted heavily on him. For a mom, this would be a huge deal for the family to endure. I can't imagine my partner not feeling personally involved in the experience and its outcome. I think OP's husband is a weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband and I sadly have a high-conflict relationship and would love to divorce. He is a narcissist who lacks empathy (just a quick example: he didn't consider the fact that I passed the bar exam to be newsworthy when he spoke with his mom on the day when we found out the results).

My teenage daughter considers herself to be less desirable in the eyes of boys because her parents have a bad relationship with each other. She things boys will choose other girls over her because they will not want to get into a broken family.
She is also worried that he will choose a partner who will not become an involved father, just like her own dad is checked out.

I find this very sad, and I would love to improve her sense of self-worth. I realize that the type of relationship we model sets a bad example, and I would love to balance that out.

I told her that she is still a long way of settling down with a young man, and that boys in high school are more interested in her looks and whether she is kind and fun to be around. Nobody really cares about the girl's parents. And that when she will be off to college and about to settle down maybe in her late 20s, her parents will really not matter at all. Still, very sad that she cannot be proud of us.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

NP. If this is your example of narcissism and lacking empathy, I think the issue here is you. I would work on what you are modeling for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your general sentiment OP but I find your example of your husbands narcissism odd. I would not expect news like that to be broadcasted to my in laws unless there was a specific reason / context. Never mind expecting my husband to bring it up in a conversation just between him and his mother. You do realize they might have been or may want to talk about things not related to you?

OP here. I am not sure what would be odd about letting his mom know that the huge effort and expense of the law school has paid off and that I could finally start a new phase in my life by working as a lawyer.

You are right. Nothing would be odd about letting his mom know this. But there isn't really anything odd about his failure to mention it either. Which makes you ... also a narcissist.

+1. Another attorney here. I can’t imagine being concerned with whether or not my husband announced my passing of the bar to his mother. I think it’s just kind of expected and not big news for most? Also, usually you are already working an attorney job while you wait for the (in most cases passing) results. Unless maybe you’d failed a number of times and your inability to pass the bar meant you’d lost a job and it was a big thing?

Without more context, it’s an unpersuasive example of your husband’s narcissism and says more about you than him.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I took the bar exam in CA where the first time pass rate was low compared to other states besides New York. The day after law school graduation we had to be at the bar study center at 8 am for our first prep session. I couldn't socialize or deal with anything besides studying/sleeping/eating/exercising for about two months. I was single at the time, but if I were with a partner that would have impacted heavily on him. For a mom, this would be a huge deal for the family to endure. I can't imagine my partner not feeling personally involved in the experience and its outcome. I think OP's husband is a weirdo.

It is kind and caring of a spouse to be proud of your achievement and share it with others. It is not evidence of narcissism that he did not. (- signed another attorney who took and passed California and New York bars).

[Anonymous]

I think it's evidence of the DH being a d*ck if the DW has an expectation that he would share the news and knew she would be upset if he didn't.

Did MIL know DW was taking the bar? If so, that blows out of the water the absurd "why would SHE care?" assertions.

[Anonymous]

I think there’s no merit to your daughter’s concerns. Being divorced or hating ones husband is par for the course. Most women here secretly or openly hate their husbands. The thousands of posts here are evidence. When someone is concerned about a family’s bad influence they are looking for other things: suicide, schizophrenia, criminality, lack of education/IQ or seriously deficient manners. Since none of these seem to apply to your family, I think your DD will be fine. I would let her have some therapy though to correct the emotional damage that your incessant fighting has caused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I took the bar exam in CA where the first time pass rate was low compared to other states besides New York. The day after law school graduation we had to be at the bar study center at 8 am for our first prep session. I couldn't socialize or deal with anything besides studying/sleeping/eating/exercising for about two months. I was single at the time, but if I were with a partner that would have impacted heavily on him. For a mom, this would be a huge deal for the family to endure. I can't imagine my partner not feeling personally involved in the experience and its outcome. I think OP's husband is a weirdo.

I agree and am surprised OP is getting so much flack for this. Its not the best example of narcissism, but of the general disfunction in the relationship. Still, I can't imagine a normal spouse in a reasonably loving relationship not sharing this just like any other significant family news, especially if the phone call was just after they learned of the results, as OP describes.

[Anonymous]

I would talk with her about how observing others relationships - the good, bad, and ugly, can help motivate us to work on ourselves to not make similar choices or break negative cycles. She may benefit by talking to a counselor about relationship issues (including family, friends, etc.). Tell her she should only want to be with someone who loves her for her, maybe despite her family (see Darcy in Pride & Prejudice).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's evidence of the DH being a d*ck if the DW has an expectation that he would share the news and knew she would be upset if he didn't.

Did MIL know DW was taking the bar? If so, that blows out of the water the absurd "why would SHE care?" assertions.

I am the poster above you, and if OP had said my husband is a jerk, I would have agreed. She chose the word narcissist which is pretty loaded; on these boards, I find it's a short hand to say my spouse causes all the problems and my behavior is fine. I think posters are reacting to that.