I am so torn between having to work and caring for my sick daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, PPs, for sharing many good ideas about how to investigate my daughter's health situation. I posted here originally to vent about how my full-time work is not compatible with being there for a child who is often sick. But I got something so much more valuable out of this thread: I am ramping up the search for the causes of her illnesses.

For those who have asked: so far we have identified mold and dust mites as triggering allergens. We had to do extensive mold remediation in our home, and were hoping that this would solve the issues. The dust mites continue to be a problem, even though we keep our house clean.

We will also do tests for anything that might be toxic in the house. The closest golf course is around 2.5 miles away, so I don't think that pesticides from the lawn make their way to us in the air.

We will do a blood test for any current deficiencies, and test for immunoglobulin deficit, too.

Why is she not getting allergy shots?

[Anonymous]

I have low immunoglobulins (low IGG). Getting sick frequently with viruses is one of the hallmarks of this).

[Anonymous]

Good luck with the medical issues, you are getting a lot of good feedback here.

At your DD’s age, & with her frequent medical issues, it may be time to push her to be more self sufficient during at-home days. Tell her you need to work, & you can bring your laptop in the living room or even her bedroom to keep her company, & you will attend to all of her needs as far as making lunch, tea, meds, etc - but you cannot be her constant source of entertainment. She needs to be ok reading a book, drawing, doing a puzzle or her nails or something low energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, PPs, for sharing many good ideas about how to investigate my daughter's health situation. I posted here originally to vent about how my full-time work is not compatible with being there for a child who is often sick. But I got something so much more valuable out of this thread: I am ramping up the search for the causes of her illnesses.

For those who have asked: so far we have identified mold and dust mites as triggering allergens. We had to do extensive mold remediation in our home, and were hoping that this would solve the issues. The dust mites continue to be a problem, even though we keep our house clean.

We will also do tests for anything that might be toxic in the house. The closest golf course is around 2.5 miles away, so I don't think that pesticides from the lawn make their way to us in the air.

We will do a blood test for any current deficiencies, and test for immunoglobulin deficit, too.

I can’t believe you needed strangers to explain that you need to find out why your daughter is sick so frequently. Any parent should know this. I cannot believe your medical doctor husband hasn’t suggested this. It’s either a physical issue or emotional issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, PPs, for sharing many good ideas about how to investigate my daughter's health situation. I posted here originally to vent about how my full-time work is not compatible with being there for a child who is often sick. But I got something so much more valuable out of this thread: I am ramping up the search for the causes of her illnesses.

For those who have asked: so far we have identified mold and dust mites as triggering allergens. We had to do extensive mold remediation in our home, and were hoping that this would solve the issues. The dust mites continue to be a problem, even though we keep our house clean.

We will also do tests for anything that might be toxic in the house. The closest golf course is around 2.5 miles away, so I don't think that pesticides from the lawn make their way to us in the air.

We will do a blood test for any current deficiencies, and test for immunoglobulin deficit, too.

I can’t believe you needed strangers to explain that you need to find out why your daughter is sick so frequently. Any parent should know this. I cannot believe your medical doctor husband hasn’t suggested this. It’s either a physical issue or emotional issue.

I think people are suggesting it's OP's emotional issue.

It seems odd to me that a 12 year old would need that much handholding

[Anonymous]

It’s probably a codependent emotional thing. Nobody gets sick that much without having a diagnosis at some point. And nobody who is home sick for a virus needs that much care.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the problem here is that your daughter is missing too much school. As both a teacher and parent, I can tell you that a kid missing a day a week or more is extremely unusual. This is a major problem that needs to be addressed. Either she's missing for no good reason, or she needs different, serious medical care.

Moreover, 12 is old enough to be looking after herself, even when sick (presumably she's not can't-get-out-of-bed sick). She really shouldn't need much from you except some meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s probably a codependent emotional thing. Nobody gets sick that much without having a diagnosis at some point. And nobody who is home sick for a virus needs that much care.

I just posted the same thing. Agree completely. Unless the poster has changed details to hide her identity, and those details have made it seem this way when it's not, then it just doesn't add up.

[Anonymous]

OP, on the issue of dust mites, if you haven't already, put dust mite proof covers on your mattresses and pillow cases. That helps a lot in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, PPs, for sharing many good ideas about how to investigate my daughter's health situation. I posted here originally to vent about how my full-time work is not compatible with being there for a child who is often sick. But I got something so much more valuable out of this thread: I am ramping up the search for the causes of her illnesses.

For those who have asked: so far we have identified mold and dust mites as triggering allergens. We had to do extensive mold remediation in our home, and were hoping that this would solve the issues. The dust mites continue to be a problem, even though we keep our house clean.

We will also do tests for anything that might be toxic in the house. The closest golf course is around 2.5 miles away, so I don't think that pesticides from the lawn make their way to us in the air.

We will do a blood test for any current deficiencies, and test for immunoglobulin deficit, too.

I can’t believe you needed strangers to explain that you need to find out why your daughter is sick so frequently. Any parent should know this. I cannot believe your medical doctor husband hasn’t suggested this. It’s either a physical issue or emotional issue.

I think people are suggesting it's OP's emotional issue.

It seems odd to me that a 12 year old would need that much handholding

Ok, that makes sense. Something is not right.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter sounds like me when we moved into an older home that had a mold issue. Symbicort and daily antihistamines helped some, but ultimately I didn't start feeling better until I moved out. Make sure she's followed by a reputable immunologist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, on the issue of dust mites, if you haven't already, put dust mite proof covers on your mattresses and pillow cases. That helps a lot in my house.

HVACs can also be a hidden source of dust. How often are you changing the dust filter? We have to replace ours monthly for our severely asthmatic kid. If you have an older home, it may be worthwhile to get the ductwork vacuumed once. Tons of dust can build up over the years, which blows out into the air whenever you turn the ac or heat on. But you only need to do it once, because changing the filter regularly would prevent dust from accumulating again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is a doctor and you haven’t taken her to an immunologist? I would have been there at age 5 if the illnesses are as frequent as you suggest.

OP here. You are right. It's crazy that I have to crowdsorce ideas on DCUM. My husband's general medical knowledge is quite poor. He is a dermatologist, but I'm not even sure if he is good even in his own specialty. For example, he claimed our daughter had rosacea on her nose, and I said that it was a mere sunburn. I was right.

I think this is a troll, no offense. Physican here--derm makes the MOST money and has one of the MOST flexible schedules around-something isnt adding up, if your kid was sick all the time even the crappiest pediatrician would get immunodef testing for this much illness....

[Anonymous]

My sister and I were your daughter growing up. Zyrtec + mattress/pillow covers + allergy shots got me on track. My allergies get worse though if I’m not eating healthy/balanced. They’re also worse in the house where I grew up.

My sister had a worse go. We think it might be because of black mold in the basement where she slept. She eventually got leukemia.

I’d recommend hiring someone to check for mold, allergy shots, and always use mattress/pillow covers. Get rid of carpeting if you can. Minimize rugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So neither you nor your husband (a DOCTOR) have thought to investigate why she gets sick so often.

Neither her physician parent nor her pediatrician tried to establish a diagnoses or refer to a specialist. This happens so often, truly mind boggling.

Pediatricians can only work with what the patients and their families tell the pediatrician or that they can diagnose when they are there. I knew a family like this where the child had a significant autoimmune condition, but it took years to diagnose because when the child had issues, they didn't always take her in to the pediatrician. And then when they did go, they didn't always tell the pediatrician all of the symptoms and issues. In their case it was because the family had financial struggles and the parents were trying to avoid copays and expensive treatments, so they often looked for less expensive home or homeopathic remedies (which didn't really help much). After a few years, when the child was about 8, they finally had an annual checkup when the child was having issues and the story started unraveling for the pediatrician who took control of the situation, talked the parents off the financial ledge, prescribed things that were covered under the insurance formulary and referred them to a specialist who also took their insurance. It was amazing the difference this made to the child's health.

OP, you really, really need to get your child to both your regular pediatrician and to an allergist and you have to be honest with them about the issues. You need to follow their advice and get your child medical help. After you have appropriate medical intervention for your child and you are following the instructions and schedule with the doctors for how to get a proper diagnosis and treatment plan, then you need to focus on your work and rebuilding your reputation with your clients. After you have the medical treatment plan in place, you stop treating your 12 yo like a 3 year old. Your child can learn to stay home and take care of herself when she is sick. You should focus on your work with only spot checks on her when you have a quick break like lunch or a short break between meetings, etc. At 12, she needs to be able to entertain herself and considering how often she's been out of school, some of that needs to be makeup work for school. You or she can contact her teachers and find out whether there is a way to either make up or follow up on material she's missed and assignments she may have missed. For instance, my 12 yo old twins have work assigned in class. If they miss class, they can still do the work and turn it in late. Late work is still graded with about 5% deduction, but still accepted and graded and counted towards grades. But my children both know how it works and they take care to ask for materials and assignments that occurred if they missed class. And they work on making that material up. So, the last time my son with allergies stayed home from school due to a seasonal allergy attack (about 2-3 weeks ago), he went in the next day, talked to his teachers and the next two evenings, he spent catching up on schoolwork he missed.