Should I go back to work to get DH to step up?

[Anonymous]

Similar setup here. I’ve always been fairly happy with the arrangement TBH. Once kids are all in school, go back to work PT (this is for your own development and happiness, not about $) and hire help- you can afford it. Works out well.

Gets easier when the kids are older too.

[Anonymous]

He’s not going to step up.
If he’s a surgeon then doesn’t that mean you have $ to hire a nanny/housekeeper?
You should get a job anyway for your own financial security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a choice.

He is prioritizing work and social events over helping out.

The mortgage doesn't pay itself!

[Anonymous]

I have a physician DH who works a lot or when he is home too tired to do much. At some point, you accept the life you have or you leave.

Going back to work won't help him step up, but if it gives you personal satisfaction and you want to start your own income stream then doing sometimes possibly part-time can be a good start. Full-time is hard because you can't oursource everything like the "mental" labor of the kid/household.

Get as much help as you can. I work about 30-35 hrs per week. I have a cleaning person once a week, part time nanny, and housekeeper every week to help take care of things.

If my husband is home on a weekend night and not having to cover call, I make it a point to go out and have dinner with my girlfriends.
I have a tight knit group of girlfriends some with physician spouses too who understand.

[Anonymous]

In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford to pay for help? Seems like the best solution in your situation.

+1

The essence of your problem is that you need more help with the kids/household stuff. Not that you need to add a job on top of all this! And I say this as a working mom, but I can only manage this with 3 kids because I have a DH with a flexible schedule who does a lot.

I doubt you getting a job is going to suddenly make your DH more available, all it will do is add more stress to juggle and it doesn’t sound like you need the money.

All my friends who are SAHMs because their husbands work long hours use the financial benefit of those long hours to hire help. Trying to do it all on your own with a DH with a busy work schedule is the worst of all worlds.

Also, trying to force his hand by you going back to work with breed resentment between you two. Hiring help/outsourcing will likely make your marriage better. We have biweekly cleaners, lawn service, used to have a nanny, etc. so we can enjoy our lives.

No that’s not why people are telling her to go back to work. They’re telling her that so she won’t be totally destitute if he leaves her. Surgeons have lousy marriage stats.

OR she leaves him. Either way, being married to a surgeon isn't easy.

[Anonymous]

^ no fault divorce not daily

[Anonymous]

Go back to work if you want to feel financially independent or be back in the working world. Not to make him step up.

You can’t make him step up. Just hire help instead. You married a dud, but at least he is a high-earning dud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

Thissss

Learned this the hard way. He weakly anything in retirement accounts is protected

You split your house and cash accounts. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

The no alimony thing is just not true. People love to say that on this board. I receive alimony. It's not uncommon for couples where one person is extremely high earning and the other's career took a backseat to support it. And yes, I got HALF. And kept the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

Thissss

Learned this the hard way. He weakly anything in retirement accounts is protected

You split your house and cash accounts. That’s it.

Depends what age and life stage you married him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

Thissss

Learned this the hard way. He weakly anything in retirement accounts is protected

You split your house and cash accounts. That’s it.

Retirement accounts are also 50/50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire help a couple of days a week.
If he barely interacts with his kids it’s his loss. His kids will realise it as they get older and will not have a close connection with him.

+1

I think figuring out what you want or are missing, as another PP suggested, is the first step.

1) do you want more free time to see friends, pick up a hobby etc?

- then hire help to be responsible for the kids and/or help to handle housekeeping and use the time you get back to do your thing

2) do you want more time together as a family?

- express this to your H and then plan leisure activities with the whole family. It’s not the same as him actually doing the day to day stuff with the kids that is the true bonding, but it’s something

3) do you want HIM to be there for the parental grunt work routine so you aren’t doing it ALL - baths/dinner/homework/chauffering?

- unfortunately he’s probably not going to that, or at least not start with that. So see points 1 & 2 and hire someone to be a regular assistant/partner for those times


Going back to work will not help, and will likely only make you even more resentful- especially if your income won’t have a significant impact on finances.

4) Do you want him to recognize and appreciate your contributions?

I'm a SAHM with a husband who works a lot and he's always telling me how happy he is to be with his family, how much he appreciates the home I've made for him, that he recognizes it can be lonely and the kids certainly don't thank me for taking them to the dentist, but that he sees and is grateful for everything I do. It means a lot that he respects my efforts. And I try to tell him how much I appreciate all his hard work for our family! It sounds to me like OP is feeling lonely and ignored, and a little appreciation goes a long way.

PP you are quoting- yes. Good addition.

I overlooked that because verbal appreciation without action really doesn’t do anything for me.

But, I know it does for some people - including my husband, which used to drive me nuts, but when I worked on trying to figure out why I felt so frustrated in my marriage, I realized that it’s important to him, so even if it feels silly to me, I make a concerted effort to express appreciation.

If that’s what OP wants, I don’t know how she can get her husband to do that without some breakthrough on his part or marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

That is really sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with his kids and his wife. Why did he have kids? I’m sorry op. He sounds really immature and maybe escapes to work to avoid relationships. Agree that you should hire help and get a job he does not seem committed to the long haul of the marriage. more money is not always worth it otherwise you all just feel like his hired help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

The no alimony thing is just not true. People love to say that on this board. I receive alimony. It's not uncommon for couples where one person is extremely high earning and the other's career took a backseat to support it. And yes, I got HALF. And kept the house.

I’m asking this with genuine curiosity- when you say you kept the house - was it paid off? Did alimony/child support cover the mortgage?

If not - were you able to cover the mortgage on your salary?