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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Get your own individual therapist. You need someone on your side, a marriage counselor is on the "marriage" side, not your side. You may need both. Trust will be a big issue I foresee in the future if you try to stay married.[/quote]

Thanks - I've had the same thought. Our marriage counselor is basically saying we need to "start over" in our marriage - doesn't want us (me) to bring up the past. Not sure how I can do that.

It's also very hard because I'm extremely close to his family and so many family/holiday dynamics will change if we split. Everything seems easier to stick it out but I don't know how long I can do this for. Trust is very badly broken. [/quote]

Do you talk in counseling about his porn addiction? That it even puts his job at risk?

The counselor is acting like it was a one off years ago. You really need someone with experience in sexual compulsivity. I do know of someone who was sex addicted and compulsive before CSA was addressed and he is monogamous now, to my knowledge.

The addictive behavior (and he is likely banging sex workers) may stem from CSA or he may have ADHD or bipolar that need to be medicated to reduce impulsivity. As is, even if he stopped porn briefly, the addiction would likely transfer to booze, etc. This kind of hypersexuality is also linked to particular drugs. This is a much more complicated situation than hooked up with a co-worker once years ago. Without more expert help and identifying the drivers, you are wasting time and $ on the counselor.

OP, any mental health or dev diagnoses in the kids or his extended family?

CODA for you and SLAA for him and see where you get.

Are you afraid if you split he will go off the rails completely? I imagine you need his income with college years approaching.

[b]Does he interact with kids, friends, neighbors or is the porn taking up more and more of his time/focus? [/b][/quote]

Porn has long term affects and really skews your view of people, in general, OP.  This isn't just looking at naked bodies - this is an affliction, and addiction - an addict always has a vice.  Your DH probably sees porn as "not as bad" as other vices, which is simply not true. Is that how you want to live? Have more self-respect, OP. [/quote]

OP here - Yes, I am grossed out. His response is always that he doesn't watch porn "any more than any other man". His mother is obsessed with looks and extremely judgmental. There is a lot of her in him. [/quote]

Does he have friends? Are they more like him than not?  Does he have any positive influences in his life? Do you have therapy 1:1 for yourself?  I think you need an exit plan, at least this is what I would hope for you, if I knew you in real life.  Does your DH tend to make people uncomfortable?  I mean, you could have a better life, it seems. Can you not split the assets 50/50 and have a better life?  How old are the kids?  Can you arrange for certain expenses to be covered by DH?  Are you working? Are you earning enough? Have you gone for a lawyer consult (likely free or minimal cost)?  If it were me, I would want a friend to tell me that things really could be better than this. There seems to be more to the story, why are you sticking around?  This should be one of the best times of your life. [/quote]

Lots of good questions. I need therapy for myself, definitely. He can be both charming but also make people feel uncomfortable. I'm struggling not only because of wanting to keep my family together, but also because I quit my career years ago to raise our kids. Financially I am not independent (regrettably, I wish I never gave up my career now).

I also fear what he will do to himself if we split. Although he's treated me with a major lack of respect, we are his world and he'll be a disaster if he loses us. He knows this now but I don't think he has the ability to control his behavior. [/quote]

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