Not welcome on vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're running into a generational differences. If you are not actively planning to marry, then you are not really engaged. And she may be trying to make that point to you.

Or, she doesn't think you're a good choice of future wife for her son, that's also possible.

While it is rude to exclude a serious partner, it is also rude to call out other people's rudeness and demand to be included. So you don't have a good option here other than getting married.

I mean if someone is rudely excluding you then that means you should be included. So what you’re saying is that I have to accept people’s rude behavior towards me and have no standards of how I should be treated.

Also she can exclude me all she wants but my fiancé’s loyalty lies with me so he isn’t going to go where I’m rudely excluded.

Yeah, well I’m team mom and you are a brat. It’s easy to see why she would exclude you.

So it’s ok to exclude your son’s own fiancé even though he is a grown man and has been out of your house for years.

He isn’t her young child anymore. He considers his fiancé a member of his immediate family. Not mom and siblings when he hasn’t even lived with them in years.

How am I a brat?

You're not a brat. DCUM is crazy. Next thread is a MIL complaining that her kid never wants to see her because she was rude to his partner for the first six years of their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Op is not engaged.

[Anonymous]

Is your MIL conservative? Maybe she doesn't condone you living together before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're running into a generational differences. If you are not actively planning to marry, then you are not really engaged. And she may be trying to make that point to you.

Or, she doesn't think you're a good choice of future wife for her son, that's also possible.

While it is rude to exclude a serious partner, it is also rude to call out other people's rudeness and demand to be included. So you don't have a good option here other than getting married.

I mean if someone is rudely excluding you then that means you should be included. So what you’re saying is that I have to accept people’s rude behavior towards me and have no standards of how I should be treated.

Also she can exclude me all she wants but my fiancé’s loyalty lies with me so he isn’t going to go where I’m rudely excluded.

Yeah, well I’m team mom and you are a brat. It’s easy to see why she would exclude you.

So it’s ok to exclude your son’s own fiancé even though he is a grown man and has been out of your house for years.

He isn’t her young child anymore. He considers his fiancé a member of his immediate family. Not mom and siblings when he hasn’t even lived with them in years.

How am I a brat?

You're not a brat. DCUM is crazy. Next thread is a MIL complaining that her kid never wants to see her because she was rude to his partner for the first six years of their relationship.

Okay, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your MIL conservative? Maybe she doesn't condone you living together before marriage.

She isn’t her MIL and they aren’t getting married.

[Anonymous]

So you have an engagement ring and a set date or not? Playing house doesn't mean you're engaged or a fiancé.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think, absent a real psychological disorder issue, it is generally a bad idea to get involved in conflict with a potential spouse’s family. It feels like you are itching to force a situation in which your fiancé picks you. I understand when you are young that feels like a victory. But if he is the kind of guy that loves his mom, he will eventually resent you a bit for it. If you want to marry this man and be part of his family forever, nuclear options are a bad way to start things off.

His mom may think you are kind of young (you come across that way by saying that you are “almost 26” to me too, which is not a bad thing but it may make her concerned). She may have hoped he would date someone more established vs someone saving for years to follow him. Maybe she is just uncomfortable with you sharing a bed with him on a trip and her being more exposed to it. Maybe she just misses her son and sees this as a last nuclear family trip before he marries. Heck, he may complain about you to her and she may hold it against you. You can’t control any of that and the reason doesn’t matter. You can control being cordial, kind to her son and a good spouse, and hanging around forever so she has to let it go.

She lives unmarried with a man for 20 years now so it’s not that she is morally opposed to unmarried couples living together.

I also think it’s a bad idea to get into conflict with the partner your child chose to love as well bc her son might resent her for that. It cuts both ways.

Nuclear family only trips were fine when they were all living in one house. But her son and siblings have been out of the family home for years and her son is nearly 30!!

That ship has sailed. Her son considers his fiancé his nuclear family.

Also if he already lives far away and out of the family home how does us being married or not change things if he already moved out years ago?

If anything wouldn’t his mom like the fact that I loved her son enough to save up money get my license a car and a job to be with her son.

If my fiancé is complaining about me to his mom then I have a mommas boy and a fiance problem which I know isn’t the case so that theory goes out the window.

[Anonymous]

This OP should switch places with the one from the other day who thought her boyfriend's mom was intruding because she went into the store with them when they asked her for a ride and went to lunch with them twice in two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people need to back way off on the idea that a couple is a "social unit." A couple can do things separately, and that's ok! My best friend is having an 18 person wedding, and my husband is not invited--because he's not really her friend. I would never insist that she bump a relative so that he could join. And I am comfortable enough socially to go places without him.

OP, I mean this very kindly, but you are quite young and need to relax. Maybe you'll marry this guy, maybe you won't. Maybe his mother will come around to liking you, maybe she won't. But huffing and puffing and blowing the whole house down over a couple of perceived snubs is not the way to go.

With all due respect that is also nuts.

The mom could of course tell the son that she's hoping it'll be a trip for just them - she wants some alone time with him and his brother or some such. But to pretend that it's not strange to expect a 30 year old to travel without his fiance - it's weird!

[Anonymous]

OP the mom and your boyfriend are NOT going on a family vacation. The mother has asked one sibling to meet up with her to visit another sibling. It doesn't sound like the stepdad or other SOs are coming. It sounds like the third sibling isn't going either. Even if all three siblings go, that's just a brothers weekend.

You're being so immature and ridiculous thinking you should be invited on a sons/mom reunion weekend. I've been married 20 years and wouldn't expect to be invited on this trip.

[Anonymous]

You have a choice: 1) view this through the lens of exclusion, make things more difficult for your fiance by making him choose between you and his mother, and ruin your future relationship with your mother in law or 2) View this as a mother wanting to spend time with her sons, and give your fiance the gift of allowing him to enjoy time with his mother and brother without worrying about it upsetting you.

I highly recommend viewing your in-laws, and indeed almost everyone, through the most charitable and forgiving lens possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people need to back way off on the idea that a couple is a "social unit." A couple can do things separately, and that's ok! My best friend is having an 18 person wedding, and my husband is not invited--because he's not really her friend. I would never insist that she bump a relative so that he could join. And I am comfortable enough socially to go places without him.

OP, I mean this very kindly, but you are quite young and need to relax. Maybe you'll marry this guy, maybe you won't. Maybe his mother will come around to liking you, maybe she won't. But huffing and puffing and blowing the whole house down over a couple of perceived snubs is not the way to go.

With all due respect that is also nuts.

The mom could of course tell the son that she's hoping it'll be a trip for just them - she wants some alone time with him and his brother or some such. But to pretend that it's not strange to expect a 30 year old to travel without his fiance - it's weird!

It must be about money. She will pay for her son but not the girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think, absent a real psychological disorder issue, it is generally a bad idea to get involved in conflict with a potential spouse’s family. It feels like you are itching to force a situation in which your fiancé picks you. I understand when you are young that feels like a victory. But if he is the kind of guy that loves his mom, he will eventually resent you a bit for it. If you want to marry this man and be part of his family forever, nuclear options are a bad way to start things off.

His mom may think you are kind of young (you come across that way by saying that you are “almost 26” to me too, which is not a bad thing but it may make her concerned). She may have hoped he would date someone more established vs someone saving for years to follow him. Maybe she is just uncomfortable with you sharing a bed with him on a trip and her being more exposed to it. Maybe she just misses her son and sees this as a last nuclear family trip before he marries. Heck, he may complain about you to her and she may hold it against you. You can’t control any of that and the reason doesn’t matter. You can control being cordial, kind to her son and a good spouse, and hanging around forever so she has to let it go.

She lives unmarried with a man for 20 years now so it’s not that she is morally opposed to unmarried couples living together.

I also think it’s a bad idea to get into conflict with the partner your child chose to love as well bc her son might resent her for that. It cuts both ways.

Nuclear family only trips were fine when they were all living in one house. But her son and siblings have been out of the family home for years and her son is nearly 30!!

That ship has sailed. Her son considers his fiancé his nuclear family.

Also if he already lives far away and out of the family home how does us being married or not change things if he already moved out years ago?

If anything wouldn’t his mom like the fact that I loved her son enough to save up money get my license a car and a job to be with her son.

If my fiancé is complaining about me to his mom then I have a mommas boy and a fiance problem which I know isn’t the case so that theory goes out the window.

It has to do with how serious he is about you. She doesn't want to include you in family events because she thinks he isn't serious about you. If you were really going to get married, you'd have a date set and be working towards it. You don't need an expensive wedding.

You can complain here all you want, but ultimately you have a choice-- put up with her, get in an argument with her, or break up with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you have an engagement ring and a set date or not? Playing house doesn't mean you're engaged or a fiancé.

Yes I have an engagement ring and our wedding date is June 15th of this year.

[Anonymous]

That ship has sailed. Her son considers his fiancé his nuclear family.

How has he expressed this?