Not welcome on vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're running into a generational differences. If you are not actively planning to marry, then you are not really engaged. And she may be trying to make that point to you.

Or, she doesn't think you're a good choice of future wife for her son, that's also possible.

While it is rude to exclude a serious partner, it is also rude to call out other people's rudeness and demand to be included. So you don't have a good option here other than getting married.

I mean if someone is rudely excluding you then that means you should be included. So what you’re saying is that I have to accept people’s rude behavior towards me and have no standards of how I should be treated.

Also she can exclude me all she wants but my fiancé’s loyalty lies with me so he isn’t going to go where I’m rudely excluded.

Yeah, well I’m team mom and you are a brat. It’s easy to see why she would exclude you.

So it’s ok to exclude your son’s own fiancé even though he is a grown man and has been out of your house for years.

He isn’t her young child anymore. He considers his fiancé a member of his immediate family. Not mom and siblings when he hasn’t even lived with them in years.

How am I a brat?

You're not a brat. DCUM is crazy. Next thread is a MIL complaining that her kid never wants to see her because she was rude to his partner for the first six years of their relationship.

Okay, op.

Nope, not OP. I'm a 50 year old married lady whose MIL has treated me warmly since the day I first came home with her son. Incredibly grateful for parents in law who never played these weird games with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think, absent a real psychological disorder issue, it is generally a bad idea to get involved in conflict with a potential spouse’s family. It feels like you are itching to force a situation in which your fiancé picks you. I understand when you are young that feels like a victory. But if he is the kind of guy that loves his mom, he will eventually resent you a bit for it. If you want to marry this man and be part of his family forever, nuclear options are a bad way to start things off.

His mom may think you are kind of young (you come across that way by saying that you are “almost 26” to me too, which is not a bad thing but it may make her concerned). She may have hoped he would date someone more established vs someone saving for years to follow him. Maybe she is just uncomfortable with you sharing a bed with him on a trip and her being more exposed to it. Maybe she just misses her son and sees this as a last nuclear family trip before he marries. Heck, he may complain about you to her and she may hold it against you. You can’t control any of that and the reason doesn’t matter. You can control being cordial, kind to her son and a good spouse, and hanging around forever so she has to let it go.

She lives unmarried with a man for 20 years now so it’s not that she is morally opposed to unmarried couples living together.

I also think it’s a bad idea to get into conflict with the partner your child chose to love as well bc her son might resent her for that. It cuts both ways.

Nuclear family only trips were fine when they were all living in one house. But her son and siblings have been out of the family home for years and her son is nearly 30!!

That ship has sailed. Her son considers his fiancé his nuclear family.

Also if he already lives far away and out of the family home how does us being married or not change things if he already moved out years ago?

If anything wouldn’t his mom like the fact that I loved her son enough to save up money get my license a car and a job to be with her son.

If my fiancé is complaining about me to his mom then I have a mommas boy and a fiance problem which I know isn’t the case so that theory goes out the window.

I think your meds are off. You should contact your therapist to let them know.

[Anonymous]

Rude responses are always expected on this site but this tops the cake even for DCUM.

Don't listen to the bitter, nasty harpies replying to you, OP. They are just miserable in every way. What I got from your posts is that you just expect to be acknowledged in some way as a part of your financee's life. There is nothing wrong with that. Your future MIL is being rude. She might be passive aggressive about not wanting you to marry her son. Your feelings are valid especially since you tried to reach out several times to have a relationship with her. I would just sit back and watch how it all unfolds. If your finance goes without you, I guess you'll know where his priorities are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people need to back way off on the idea that a couple is a "social unit." A couple can do things separately, and that's ok! My best friend is having an 18 person wedding, and my husband is not invited--because he's not really her friend. I would never insist that she bump a relative so that he could join. And I am comfortable enough socially to go places without him.

OP, I mean this very kindly, but you are quite young and need to relax. Maybe you'll marry this guy, maybe you won't. Maybe his mother will come around to liking you, maybe she won't. But huffing and puffing and blowing the whole house down over a couple of perceived snubs is not the way to go.

With all due respect that is also nuts.

The mom could of course tell the son that she's hoping it'll be a trip for just them - she wants some alone time with him and his brother or some such. But to pretend that it's not strange to expect a 30 year old to travel without his fiance - it's weird!

It must be about money. She will pay for her son but not the girlfriend.

I am PP - and I feel like it's pretty reasonable if the MIL says she'll treat the son, but not the girlfriend. (Unless she's super wealthy.) But at least have a conversation about it. Don't just be weird and say nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're running into a generational differences. If you are not actively planning to marry, then you are not really engaged. And she may be trying to make that point to you.

Or, she doesn't think you're a good choice of future wife for her son, that's also possible.

While it is rude to exclude a serious partner, it is also rude to call out other people's rudeness and demand to be included. So you don't have a good option here other than getting married.

I mean if someone is rudely excluding you then that means you should be included. So what you’re saying is that I have to accept people’s rude behavior towards me and have no standards of how I should be treated.

Also she can exclude me all she wants but my fiancé’s loyalty lies with me so he isn’t going to go where I’m rudely excluded.

Yeah, well I’m team mom and you are a brat. It’s easy to see why she would exclude you.

So it’s ok to exclude your son’s own fiancé even though he is a grown man and has been out of your house for years.

He isn’t her young child anymore. He considers his fiancé a member of his immediate family. Not mom and siblings when he hasn’t even lived with them in years.

How am I a brat?

You're not a brat. DCUM is crazy. Next thread is a MIL complaining that her kid never wants to see her because she was rude to his partner for the first six years of their relationship.

Okay, op.

Nope, not OP. I'm a 50 year old married lady whose MIL has treated me warmly since the day I first came home with her son. Incredibly grateful for parents in law who never played these weird games with me.

The only one playing games is the op who is pretending to be engaged. The mother is playing no games at all as a matter of fact. She is decisive and straight forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people need to back way off on the idea that a couple is a "social unit." A couple can do things separately, and that's ok! My best friend is having an 18 person wedding, and my husband is not invited--because he's not really her friend. I would never insist that she bump a relative so that he could join. And I am comfortable enough socially to go places without him.

OP, I mean this very kindly, but you are quite young and need to relax. Maybe you'll marry this guy, maybe you won't. Maybe his mother will come around to liking you, maybe she won't. But huffing and puffing and blowing the whole house down over a couple of perceived snubs is not the way to go.

With all due respect that is also nuts.

The mom could of course tell the son that she's hoping it'll be a trip for just them - she wants some alone time with him and his brother or some such. But to pretend that it's not strange to expect a 30 year old to travel without his fiance - it's weird!

It must be about money. She will pay for her son but not the girlfriend.

I am PP - and I feel like it's pretty reasonable if the MIL says she'll treat the son, but not the girlfriend. (Unless she's super wealthy.) But at least have a conversation about it. Don't just be weird and say nothing.

No one needs to discuss finances with anyone’s girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have an engagement ring and a set date or not? Playing house doesn't mean you're engaged or a fiancé.

Yes I have an engagement ring and our wedding date is June 15th of this year.

Ok, then she's just rude. So you get to decide if you want a rude person for your MIL, or not. Lots of people don't get along with their MILs, it doesn't have to be a big deal if you decide to just live with it.

The best marriage advice I can give you is that sometimes you have to accept that relatives are who they are and they're gonna do what they'll do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people need to back way off on the idea that a couple is a "social unit." A couple can do things separately, and that's ok! My best friend is having an 18 person wedding, and my husband is not invited--because he's not really her friend. I would never insist that she bump a relative so that he could join. And I am comfortable enough socially to go places without him.

OP, I mean this very kindly, but you are quite young and need to relax. Maybe you'll marry this guy, maybe you won't. Maybe his mother will come around to liking you, maybe she won't. But huffing and puffing and blowing the whole house down over a couple of perceived snubs is not the way to go.

With all due respect that is also nuts.

The mom could of course tell the son that she's hoping it'll be a trip for just them - she wants some alone time with him and his brother or some such. But to pretend that it's not strange to expect a 30 year old to travel without his fiance - it's weird!

What is nuts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people need to back way off on the idea that a couple is a "social unit." A couple can do things separately, and that's ok! My best friend is having an 18 person wedding, and my husband is not invited--because he's not really her friend. I would never insist that she bump a relative so that he could join. And I am comfortable enough socially to go places without him.

OP, I mean this very kindly, but you are quite young and need to relax. Maybe you'll marry this guy, maybe you won't. Maybe his mother will come around to liking you, maybe she won't. But huffing and puffing and blowing the whole house down over a couple of perceived snubs is not the way to go.

With all due respect that is also nuts.

The mom could of course tell the son that she's hoping it'll be a trip for just them - she wants some alone time with him and his brother or some such. But to pretend that it's not strange to expect a 30 year old to travel without his fiance - it's weird!

It must be about money. She will pay for her son but not the girlfriend.

I am PP - and I feel like it's pretty reasonable if the MIL says she'll treat the son, but not the girlfriend. (Unless she's super wealthy.) But at least have a conversation about it. Don't just be weird and say nothing.

I would assume she knows money is a huge issue and they all know the deal. The mom invited her son, presumably she will pay. She doesn't want to pay for the fiance and she knows they can't afford it. But that doesn't mean she doesn't want him to miss out on visiting his brother with her. People in this situation are probably well aware of what's what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're running into a generational differences. If you are not actively planning to marry, then you are not really engaged. And she may be trying to make that point to you.

Or, she doesn't think you're a good choice of future wife for her son, that's also possible.

While it is rude to exclude a serious partner, it is also rude to call out other people's rudeness and demand to be included. So you don't have a good option here other than getting married.

I mean if someone is rudely excluding you then that means you should be included. So what you’re saying is that I have to accept people’s rude behavior towards me and have no standards of how I should be treated.

Also she can exclude me all she wants but my fiancé’s loyalty lies with me so he isn’t going to go where I’m rudely excluded.

Yeah, well I’m team mom and you are a brat. It’s easy to see why she would exclude you.

So it’s ok to exclude your son’s own fiancé even though he is a grown man and has been out of your house for years.

He isn’t her young child anymore. He considers his fiancé a member of his immediate family. Not mom and siblings when he hasn’t even lived with them in years.

How am I a brat?

You're not a brat. DCUM is crazy. Next thread is a MIL complaining that her kid never wants to see her because she was rude to his partner for the first six years of their relationship.

Okay, op.

Nope, not OP. I'm a 50 year old married lady whose MIL has treated me warmly since the day I first came home with her son. Incredibly grateful for parents in law who never played these weird games with me.

The only one playing games is the op who is pretending to be engaged. The mother is playing no games at all as a matter of fact. She is decisive and straight forward.

Stop it. Just stop it. She repeatedly said she is engaged. Find something else to pick apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have an engagement ring and a set date or not? Playing house doesn't mean you're engaged or a fiancé.

Yes I have an engagement ring and our wedding date is June 15th of this year.

I'm not sure why so many PPs have been so harsh. If this is a real engagement w/ an actual wedding date in the short-term, then I think many of the replies have misread the situation. All that said, I definitely wouldn't pick a fight and I would wait to get worked up until I was actually married at the very least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rude responses are always expected on this site but this tops the cake even for DCUM.

Don't listen to the bitter, nasty harpies replying to you, OP. They are just miserable in every way. What I got from your posts is that you just expect to be acknowledged in some way as a part of your financee's life. There is nothing wrong with that. Your future MIL is being rude. She might be passive aggressive about not wanting you to marry her son. Your feelings are valid especially since you tried to reach out several times to have a relationship with her. I would just sit back and watch how it all unfolds. If your finance goes without you, I guess you'll know where his priorities are.

Hey harpy. How’s it going?

[Anonymous]

NP. I’m so shocked by these responses you are engaged and living together and your fiance is 30 not 16.

This is so odd to me to be excluded as a fiance.

I think doing things just the brothers and mom is totally fine but to exclude a fiance from a whole vacation is odd and shows that his mom isn’t ready to cut the cord probably in other areas as well.

Also all the other passive aggressive exclusions such as leaving your name off holiday card and never acknowledging your birthday is not typical welcoming behavior for a soon to he mil to act towards her fdil.

These all add up to cold behavior and I think it’s long overdue for your fiance to have a calm and polite chat with his mother about what’s really going on here.

Also someone upthread mentioned the cost. Well if the mom can’t afford both the fiancé and son then she can’t afford either. It’s rude to pay for one and not the other. So if she can’t afford both then I think it needs to be made clear that they are BOTH welcome but they both are expected to pay their own way.

I would find it odd for a 30 year old man to have his mother fund his vacation as if he is a child. His fiancé and him are a unit and you don’t pay for one without the other. Or you don’t pay for either. Tell them they are not expected to fully cover themselves.

But I will also add if your fiance still attends this trip without you then you have a fiancé problem and not a FMIL problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're running into a generational differences. If you are not actively planning to marry, then you are not really engaged. And she may be trying to make that point to you.

Or, she doesn't think you're a good choice of future wife for her son, that's also possible.

While it is rude to exclude a serious partner, it is also rude to call out other people's rudeness and demand to be included. So you don't have a good option here other than getting married.

I mean if someone is rudely excluding you then that means you should be included. So what you’re saying is that I have to accept people’s rude behavior towards me and have no standards of how I should be treated.

Also she can exclude me all she wants but my fiancé’s loyalty lies with me so he isn’t going to go where I’m rudely excluded.

Yeah, well I’m team mom and you are a brat. It’s easy to see why she would exclude you.

So it’s ok to exclude your son’s own fiancé even though he is a grown man and has been out of your house for years.

He isn’t her young child anymore. He considers his fiancé a member of his immediate family. Not mom and siblings when he hasn’t even lived with them in years.

How am I a brat?

You're not a brat. DCUM is crazy. Next thread is a MIL complaining that her kid never wants to see her because she was rude to his partner for the first six years of their relationship.

Okay, op.

Nope, not OP. I'm a 50 year old married lady whose MIL has treated me warmly since the day I first came home with her son. Incredibly grateful for parents in law who never played these weird games with me.

The only one playing games is the op who is pretending to be engaged. The mother is playing no games at all as a matter of fact. She is decisive and straight forward.

Stop it. Just stop it. She repeatedly said she is engaged. Find something else to pick apart.

I repeatedly say I’m 5’10 and a supermodel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people need to back way off on the idea that a couple is a "social unit." A couple can do things separately, and that's ok! My best friend is having an 18 person wedding, and my husband is not invited--because he's not really her friend. I would never insist that she bump a relative so that he could join. And I am comfortable enough socially to go places without him.

OP, I mean this very kindly, but you are quite young and need to relax. Maybe you'll marry this guy, maybe you won't. Maybe his mother will come around to liking you, maybe she won't. But huffing and puffing and blowing the whole house down over a couple of perceived snubs is not the way to go.

With all due respect that is also nuts.

The mom could of course tell the son that she's hoping it'll be a trip for just them - she wants some alone time with him and his brother or some such. But to pretend that it's not strange to expect a 30 year old to travel without his fiance - it's weird!

It must be about money. She will pay for her son but not the girlfriend.

I am PP - and I feel like it's pretty reasonable if the MIL says she'll treat the son, but not the girlfriend. (Unless she's super wealthy.) But at least have a conversation about it. Don't just be weird and say nothing.

I would assume she knows money is a huge issue and they all know the deal. The mom invited her son, presumably she will pay. She doesn't want to pay for the fiance and she knows they can't afford it. But that doesn't mean she doesn't want him to miss out on visiting his brother with her. People in this situation are probably well aware of what's what.

I think at the engaged stage it’s rude to pay for your son and not his fiancé. Her son is 30 why would his mother be funding his vacation anyways?