Not welcome on vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're running into a generational differences. If you are not actively planning to marry, then you are not really engaged. And she may be trying to make that point to you.

Or, she doesn't think you're a good choice of future wife for her son, that's also possible.

While it is rude to exclude a serious partner, it is also rude to call out other people's rudeness and demand to be included. So you don't have a good option here other than getting married.

I mean if someone is rudely excluding you then that means you should be included. So what you’re saying is that I have to accept people’s rude behavior towards me and have no standards of how I should be treated.

Also she can exclude me all she wants but my fiancé’s loyalty lies with me so he isn’t going to go where I’m rudely excluded.

Yeah, well I’m team mom and you are a brat. It’s easy to see why she would exclude you.

So it’s ok to exclude your son’s own fiancé even though he is a grown man and has been out of your house for years.

He isn’t her young child anymore. He considers his fiancé a member of his immediate family. Not mom and siblings when he hasn’t even lived with them in years.

How am I a brat?

[Anonymous]

You are not married to her son!
Repeat-you are not married to her son!
Again-you are not married to her son!
Do you need to be told it some more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're running into a generational differences. If you are not actively planning to marry, then you are not really engaged. And she may be trying to make that point to you.

Or, she doesn't think you're a good choice of future wife for her son, that's also possible.

While it is rude to exclude a serious partner, it is also rude to call out other people's rudeness and demand to be included. So you don't have a good option here other than getting married.

I mean if someone is rudely excluding you then that means you should be included. So what you’re saying is that I have to accept people’s rude behavior towards me and have no standards of how I should be treated.

Also she can exclude me all she wants but my fiancé’s loyalty lies with me so he isn’t going to go where I’m rudely excluded.

Yeah, well I’m team mom and you are a brat. It’s easy to see why she would exclude you.

So it’s ok to exclude your son’s own fiancé even though he is a grown man and has been out of your house for years.

He isn’t her young child anymore. He considers his fiancé a member of his immediate family. Not mom and siblings when he hasn’t even lived with them in years.

How am I a brat?

Thank you for inadvertently displaying your brattiness.

[Anonymous]

Oh sweetie, his mother is the least of your worries. No one has to be forced to like you. What she is doing is NOT rude, you are just taking it as such. At the end of the day, you all are not family. She wants time with her and her two sons and you demand to be invited? Weird. You want to be treated like family but legally arent? Weird. Please worry about playing house with someone and not married. He is 30 years old and been together with you for 6 years yet not married? She and he knows what is up....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re 25 and too young to be engaged. You also started dating this guy at 19. This is not the 1930s.

Stupid Millennial response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're running into a generational differences. If you are not actively planning to marry, then you are not really engaged. And she may be trying to make that point to you.

Or, she doesn't think you're a good choice of future wife for her son, that's also possible.

While it is rude to exclude a serious partner, it is also rude to call out other people's rudeness and demand to be included. So you don't have a good option here other than getting married.

I mean if someone is rudely excluding you then that means you should be included. So what you’re saying is that I have to accept people’s rude behavior towards me and have no standards of how I should be treated.

Also she can exclude me all she wants but my fiancé’s loyalty lies with me so he isn’t going to go where I’m rudely excluded.

Yeah, well I’m team mom and you are a brat. It’s easy to see why she would exclude you.

So it’s ok to exclude your son’s own fiancé even though he is a grown man and has been out of your house for years.

He isn’t her young child anymore. He considers his fiancé a member of his immediate family. Not mom and siblings when he hasn’t even lived with them in years.

How am I a brat?

You are so profoundly childish that if I were to write it with crayons of how you are a brat, you still would not see it. You don’t have the maturity to grasp it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re 25 and too young to be engaged. You also started dating this guy at 19. This is not the 1930s.

Stupid Millennial response.

I’m not a millennial but you are stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see her doing anything wrong here. I will probably be the same kind of mother. You are not married, it's weird that you want her to treat you like her daughter. I realize you think your bday gift to her was amazing but it probably made her uncomfortable. Young unmarried couples who demand to always be a unit are odd.

Telling your adult son who lives with his fiancé to not invite her is odd. Considering I’m sure his mother realizes he considers his fiancé his family.

Why would a birthday gift from her fdil make her uncomfortable?

No I don’t expect her to treat me like a daughter. I don’t expect her to call me on the phone like she would a daughter but to not completely exclude me when I’m engaged to her son and living with him on Xmas cards. That’s weird behavior towards someone who is going to be your fdil.

If a FMIL came on here and said I want to take a family vacation but exclude my almost 30 year old sons fiancé who he lives in another state with and has been with many years barely anyone would say that’s a good idea to do.

They would say you could find yourself cut off from them in the future. It’s starting off the relationship on a bad foot.

Also if she said she didn’t acknowledge her on Xmas cards and ignored her existence no one would say the FMIL is making the right call here.

[Anonymous]

Still no answer from op on wedding date. She knows she isn’t engaged.

[Anonymous]

I think people need to back way off on the idea that a couple is a "social unit." A couple can do things separately, and that's ok! My best friend is having an 18 person wedding, and my husband is not invited--because he's not really her friend. I would never insist that she bump a relative so that he could join. And I am comfortable enough socially to go places without him.

OP, I mean this very kindly, but you are quite young and need to relax. Maybe you'll marry this guy, maybe you won't. Maybe his mother will come around to liking you, maybe she won't. But huffing and puffing and blowing the whole house down over a couple of perceived snubs is not the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see her doing anything wrong here. I will probably be the same kind of mother. You are not married, it's weird that you want her to treat you like her daughter. I realize you think your bday gift to her was amazing but it probably made her uncomfortable. Young unmarried couples who demand to always be a unit are odd.

Telling your adult son who lives with his fiancé to not invite her is odd. Considering I’m sure his mother realizes he considers his fiancé his family.

Why would a birthday gift from her fdil make her uncomfortable?

No I don’t expect her to treat me like a daughter. I don’t expect her to call me on the phone like she would a daughter but to not completely exclude me when I’m engaged to her son and living with him on Xmas cards. That’s weird behavior towards someone who is going to be your fdil.

If a FMIL came on here and said I want to take a family vacation but exclude my almost 30 year old sons fiancé who he lives in another state with and has been with many years barely anyone would say that’s a good idea to do.

They would say you could find yourself cut off from them in the future. It’s starting off the relationship on a bad foot.

Also if she said she didn’t acknowledge her on Xmas cards and ignored her existence no one would say the FMIL is making the right call here.

You don’t seem to get it. You are not her daughter-in-law and I doubt you ever will be. Again,
You. Are. Not. Her. Daughter. In. Law.

[Anonymous]

I think the mother does not approve of you two living together. Instead of making a big deal of it, she is
ignoring you. Another thing, have you and the fiancé invited her to visit you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see her doing anything wrong here. I will probably be the same kind of mother. You are not married, it's weird that you want her to treat you like her daughter. I realize you think your bday gift to her was amazing but it probably made her uncomfortable. Young unmarried couples who demand to always be a unit are odd.

Telling your adult son who lives with his fiancé to not invite her is odd. Considering I’m sure his mother realizes he considers his fiancé his family.

Why would a birthday gift from her fdil make her uncomfortable?

No I don’t expect her to treat me like a daughter. I don’t expect her to call me on the phone like she would a daughter but to not completely exclude me when I’m engaged to her son and living with him on Xmas cards. That’s weird behavior towards someone who is going to be your fdil.

If a FMIL came on here and said I want to take a family vacation but exclude my almost 30 year old sons fiancé who he lives in another state with and has been with many years barely anyone would say that’s a good idea to do.

They would say you could find yourself cut off from them in the future. It’s starting off the relationship on a bad foot.

Also if she said she didn’t acknowledge her on Xmas cards and ignored her existence no one would say the FMIL is making the right call here.

You are not engaged to her son.

[Anonymous]

I think, absent a real psychological disorder issue, it is generally a bad idea to get involved in conflict with a potential spouse’s family. It feels like you are itching to force a situation in which your fiancé picks you. I understand when you are young that feels like a victory. But if he is the kind of guy that loves his mom, he will eventually resent you a bit for it. If you want to marry this man and be part of his family forever, nuclear options are a bad way to start things off.

His mom may think you are kind of young (you come across that way by saying that you are “almost 26” to me too, which is not a bad thing but it may make her concerned). She may have hoped he would date someone more established vs someone saving for years to follow him. Maybe she is just uncomfortable with you sharing a bed with him on a trip and her being more exposed to it. Maybe she just misses her son and sees this as a last nuclear family trip before he marries. Heck, he may complain about you to her and she may hold it against you. You can’t control any of that and the reason doesn’t matter. You can control being cordial, kind to her son and a good spouse, and hanging around forever so she has to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Still no answer from op on wedding date. She knows she isn’t engaged.

I'm not even sure her boyfriend and his mom know they are supposedly engaged...