Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle

[Anonymous]

Whatever mistakes were made, guilt and shame wouldn't help, parents need to think of present and problem at hand. Crying over spilt milk is of no benefit.

People also need to understand that every child's needs are important, they can't get too focused on child with special needs. It's hard but the've to learn to balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

You haven't failed as a parent. Parenting is hard. Focus forward.

I think it is very powerful for a kid to hear that you feel you have made mistakes and talk about how both of you are going to make changes. Follow through. I also think your daughter could benefit from therapy. It is really hard to be the sibling of a child with special needs, and we all too often overlook this reality. You are all a part of a family unit, but you are also all individuals. Nurture both of those realities. Talk about your family values, and do things for her as an individual. Help her find something to get involved in to fill her time (a sport, dance, music, theater, art, a hobby, writing, anything). Support her efforts. Be there. Volunteer somewhere together every month or every weekend. Discover something she likes and enjoy it with her -- a music style, a game, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever mistakes were made, guilt and shame wouldn't help, parents need to think of present and problem at hand. Crying over spilt milk is of no benefit.

People also need to understand that every child's needs are important, they can't get too focused on child with special needs. It's hard but the've to learn to balance.

If they don’t look at the past, then they cannot correct their parenting.

[Anonymous]

Parenting is hard but responsible parenting is several times harder, more so if there are special needs children are involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

You haven't failed as a parent. Parenting is hard. Focus forward.

I think it is very powerful for a kid to hear that you feel you have made mistakes and talk about how both of you are going to make changes. Follow through. I also think your daughter could benefit from therapy. It is really hard to be the sibling of a child with special needs, and we all too often overlook this reality. You are all a part of a family unit, but you are also all individuals. Nurture both of those realities. Talk about your family values, and do things for her as an individual. Help her find something to get involved in to fill her time (a sport, dance, music, theater, art, a hobby, writing, anything). Support her efforts. Be there. Volunteer somewhere together every month or every weekend. Discover something she likes and enjoy it with her -- a music style, a game, whatever.

They did fail, the op stated she is not taking care of the 13 year old. If that isn’t a fail, nothing is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

You haven't failed as a parent. Parenting is hard. Focus forward.

I think it is very powerful for a kid to hear that you feel you have made mistakes and talk about how both of you are going to make changes. Follow through. I also think your daughter could benefit from therapy. It is really hard to be the sibling of a child with special needs, and we all too often overlook this reality. You are all a part of a family unit, but you are also all individuals. Nurture both of those realities. Talk about your family values, and do things for her as an individual. Help her find something to get involved in to fill her time (a sport, dance, music, theater, art, a hobby, writing, anything). Support her efforts. Be there. Volunteer somewhere together every month or every weekend. Discover something she likes and enjoy it with her -- a music style, a game, whatever.

If it’s not a fail, then why are you suggesting ways to fix it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?

I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.

This. Op, I think people are being very harsh. They probably have no clue that their daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school. Middle school seems a little early, but this is quite common weekend behavior in high school and lots of parents condone it and even supply the alcohol.

[Anonymous]

New school, banned from fast friends old and new school, no phone outside activity hours, enroll in many activities.

At least she’s not pregnant yet! Although also do STD tests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?

I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.

This. Op, I think people are being very harsh. They probably have no clue that their daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school. Middle school seems a little early, but this is quite common weekend behavior in high school and lots of parents condone it and even supply the alcohol.

Yes, all daughters are hoing it up. It’s okay, OP.
Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?

I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.

This. Op, I think people are being very harsh. They probably have no clue that their daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school. Middle school seems a little early, but this is quite common weekend behavior in high school and lots of parents condone it and even supply the alcohol.

Are you really this obtuse? I mean this wholeheartedly when I ask.

[Anonymous]

Send the child to live with someone who is willing to take care of her as she deserves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?

I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.

This. Op, I think people are being very harsh. They probably have no clue that their daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school. Middle school seems a little early, but this is quite common weekend behavior in high school and lots of parents condone it and even supply the alcohol.

Are you really this obtuse? I mean this wholeheartedly when I ask.

Are you really that naive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No phone or limited to calls and texts with you. No hanging with friends for now. No screen time beyond schoolwork.

The “disciplinary” measures may just need to be those and lots of genuine, loving attention from you — and her other parent, if present. I understand that will be hard considering your SN child. But you will have to find a way. Play board games. Visit the library. Go out to dinner and a movie. Go for hikes and walks. Bowling. Dave & Busters, even. Busy busy busy with wholesome family activity. It’s hard, I know, but your kid is worth it.

There are 13-yr-olds like this at my kids’ school. I know some of the parents and some of these kids. The parents are not absent parents, but they are busy, working parents probably like most of us here. Some kids will just be drawn to these types of activities, no matter the parenting style.

This is great advice. And, OP, don’t worry too much about her long-term success. This sounds like me at 12-14 and then I got it out of my system, graduated top of my class, college, law school, and very successful career. Poor choices in middle school do not define any of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?

I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.

This. Op, I think people are being very harsh. They probably have no clue that their daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school. Middle school seems a little early, but this is quite common weekend behavior in high school and lots of parents condone it and even supply the alcohol.

Are you really this obtuse? I mean this wholeheartedly when I ask.

Are you really that naive?

You’re naive to think that “daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school” just because you think people are harsh.

[Anonymous]

This kid would benefit from a good boarding school. Clearly, you are not on track yourself.