Women, how has having kids impacted your career?

[Anonymous]

I may sound like Pollyanna, but what's in your heart? Take away money and prestige of a position, do you really WANT children? If so, do just that.

I'm 50, GS15 and salary capped but I never would have dreamed I'd be making $190K sure I will never make $300K+ and I DON'T CARE. I raised my kids on far less, single parent....I think when they graduated high school I was making $80K, too much to qualify for financial aid and not enough to "afford" college but guess what? They attended public school and then in-state colleges. They did loans and I did a few parent plus, all paid off now, yeah I insisted they not move out until they were debt free, it worked out for us.

Along the way yes, I had bosses who gave me the blues about wanting to leave early for practices and games and such but the majority were doing the same and it was more men than women in leadership who sealed my promotions....I worked my way up to Senior Manager in the Big 4 and decided I didn't want that life anymore, too many hours and networking, etc...I was EXHAUSTED so I left the partner track for those who wanted it and joined the Feds and been happy ever since.

As my mom used to say there's more than one way to skin a cat....

[Anonymous]

If you're on the fence, I wouldn't base your decision on this. My kids are now 1000x more important to me than my job. There is no comparison.

I say this as a lawyer who works FT. My career has been fine but I have definitely taken W-L balance into account in considering job moves. I am in-house at a great company working in my area of expertise. I am mostly WFH which is huge for me. I've also been a fed and that was great and very manageable.

I could work more (and would then need to outsource more like getting a nanny to pick up my kids from school etc.) but I don't want to. I want to spend time with them. It's not so much about what you CAN do as a working parent but what you end up wanting to do in terms of your priorities.

[Anonymous]

It hasn’t impacted my career at all. I switched to a fairly chill nonprofit job before I ever had kids because that’s the lifestyle I was looking for. If your job is a large part of your identity and you currently work long hours, that would definitely take a hit if you had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick a good DH. MY DH has a decently high paying job (400k) and complete work from home flexibility - so he is primary parent. He does all doctor appointments and all pick ups. Son is thriving. I work at a non-profit and only make half what DH makes - so law paying, but very fulfilling work. I am in-person all week and do not have flexibility. We did decide to stop at one - it was my decision since DH wanted 3 children. I could only mentally handle one.

Pick a good DH who wants to co-parent in a real way. DH does all mental load work too - since he’s the main volunteer for everything.

Women take on too much, men can help. DH really wanted children - and it shows in his day to day commitment to our son.

No offense but this is crazy advice. I am like your husband and wanted three kids. I had the higher paying career. After first my wife came to me and said I can’t handle more kids and working. So I told her to quit be a stay at home mom and she did and we had three kids.

BTW having one kid is a joke. I say that as we had two back to back then a long break for third. When the two oldest were at college same time and only had one at home it was barely any work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick a good DH. MY DH has a decently high paying job (400k) and complete work from home flexibility - so he is primary parent. He does all doctor appointments and all pick ups. Son is thriving. I work at a non-profit and only make half what DH makes - so law paying, but very fulfilling work. I am in-person all week and do not have flexibility. We did decide to stop at one - it was my decision since DH wanted 3 children. I could only mentally handle one.

Pick a good DH who wants to co-parent in a real way. DH does all mental load work too - since he’s the main volunteer for everything.

Women take on too much, men can help. DH really wanted children - and it shows in his day to day commitment to our son.

No offense but this is crazy advice. I am like your husband and wanted three kids. I had the higher paying career. After first my wife came to me and said I can’t handle more kids and working. So I told her to quit be a stay at home mom and she did and we had three kids.

BTW having one kid is a joke. I say that as we had two back to back then a long break for third. When the two oldest were at college same time and only had one at home it was barely any work.

I have 3 kids now but I would never say that to anyone. I remember when I only had one kid, and I thought it was hard.

[Anonymous]

People came up to me more and I made more work friends once I was walking around visibly pregnant. So now I have "parent-friends" from work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good god. There are some really terrible parents and spouses out there.

Have kids if you want to. If you are balancing which is more important - your children or your career, don't have kids.

My children are more important than any other aspect of my life. I made sacrifices to be a better mother - including leaving my firm and starting my own solo operation. I've worked at home for 15 years to accommodate raising kids and being available when they need.

My career is not prestigious - mainly bc I sit at home - but I really DGAF. I'm a good mother and still make a pretty good salary. Looking back, opting to start my own business was fantastic for me because I make more and run my own show. Win-win.

But that doesn't happen for everyone becuase I know lots of women who spend too much time angry about where they thought that they should've been. Tt's a weird selfish tailspin.

Some people just aren't talented or well-connected enough to run their own show.
I imagine your spouse could also support this "sacrifice." Not everyone has that luxury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids and started at 33, after I had a strong start in my career. I work in finance. I burned the midnight oil in my 20s - working nights, traveling - and I don't burn any midnight oil anymore. I earn over $1M/year. I'm a total go-getter, high energy, high motivation. I never stop moving. I love my job and I love my kids even more, of course. Get home from work at 5:15 and I'm running around to my kids' games, lessons, sitting with them at the piano, going over their homework/school projects, taking them on fun outings. I will say - I have sacrificed my own personal interests since having kids. I have no hobbies anymore, whereas I was pretty passionate and involved in them before kids. I don't have time for anything other than working 9-5 and parenting at all other hours. I consider having a good marriage part of good parenting, so I do still make time for DH - got the kids a pizza and went out to dinner with just him last night. Anyway, you should definitely have kids. It's the best thing ever. I wasn't sure if I wanted them because having a big career was really important to me. I think I actually only started because I had hit my 30s and felt like it was something I "should" do - have just one kid - but the day I became a mom I was transformed and consumed with love. Totally awesome. I'm proud of my career too and I love that my kids see me doing it. I really feel like...after they're out of the toddler years (which, admittedly, were sometimes gut wrenching for me to be away), their experience is not much different having a working vs. nonworking mom. We're all out of the house during almost the same hours, and DH can be home for them after school, so it works for all of us.

This is the secret sauce to life. Only finance pays $1M a year but lets you kick back at 5pm

[Anonymous]

I went to part-time while pregnant with my first due to exhaustion etc., then dropped to 60% after she was born. 4 short days per week after a 4 month maternity leave. Stayed at 60% (eventually three longer days) until my third born was about a year old. Had to change jobs at that point and went to 80%, 5 days per week in the office. That was actually heartbreaking to me but I had no choice. Finally negotiated one day a week at home. Just couldn’t do that for very long and switched jobs as soon as I could (but had to do this for awhile - it was too hard and not sustainable).

Fast forward to today, full time, in house, remote. Immeasurable benefit to me and my family.

Did I mention that I’m a lawyer? Did I ruin my career? I don’t know. I am still around doing this, so that’s something. There were many days where I almost quit to be a SAHM but I stuck it out.

[Anonymous]

It’s affected my career but I’m not convinced it’s not also my age. The workforce isn’t kind to women over 40.

Even if you don’t have kids you may find yourself stuck professionally

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids don’t impact career it is the husband.

This.

I agree with this. I love my husband so much and wouldn't trade him for anyone, but I have always been the higher earner by a lot. That said, I do feel like I got sidelined by having kids. When I had my first, I was working with a new colleague who was very ambitious. I had seniority, but when I came back from maternity leave she had basically usurped my main client (which happened to be a very glamorous account, not like the usual stuff we worked on). I tried to take it back over but had no support from leadership. It was really disappointing. I was poached by another firm not long after and left--and get a hefty raise. That firm was really supportive of being a parent--my team loved it when my kids came to the office every once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Destroyed it. I had undiagnosed ADHD and could not handle work and being the primary caregiver at the same time. It destroyed my mental health so I stepped back and am freelancing occasionally, but mostly just trying to hold the day-to-day together. I don't define myself by my work or my children so it's not totally catastrophic, but if I get divorced then yeah I'm effed because I'll have to climb back up the cliff somehow.

Thanks for your honesty I wish more people could just be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to my mother I’ve managed to have a highly successful career and so has my sister. Our kids have basically had two mothers. We are extremely fortunate.

Just curious, did your mom not have a career of her own? How old was she when her first grandchild was born/she started taking care of the grandchild?
Would you do the same for your kid? What if your kid had a kid at a young age (when you are still working with no immediate retirement plans?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People came up to me more and I made more work friends once I was walking around visibly pregnant. So now I have "parent-friends" from work.

I actually agree that it's something to connect with people at work over. It's such a common experience that is personal but not TMI and not touchy/sensitive. Most people in my office of both genders have kids and chitchat about it has been helpful in getting to know people better.

[Anonymous]

I don't think having one kid has affected my career. But my career is not prestigious and I don't want anything more (similar to GS15 subject matter expert). Even if I didn't have a kid I would probably still stay in this job until I retire.

I do wish we had tried for kids earlier. My parents help us but they are getting older. Can't have more due to fertility issues and we just don't have the energy.

Btw having one kid is not a "joke". SMH.