Women, how has having kids impacted your career?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was ruinous for mine and every other woman I know. Plus, I thought I'd be sad if I didn't have kids but all my friends who didn't have kids seem much happier than me. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but it's a constant sacrifice - I will stay home tonight instead of going to the christmas party because if I do, Larla will go to bed late and be grumpy tomorrow and I don't want to deal with the grouchiness all weekend.

I wouldn’t say “ruinous” - I know many women who have advanced in their careers after having kids. But, many are Feds and just did the bare minimum when kids were young.
You will have to accept that work won’t be your first priority anymore.

I managed to double my comp after kids but my friends in similar positions without kids are now MDs making 350k+

[Anonymous]

I deliberately chose one and done. Even having one child while pursuing career advancement is not easy. In the trenches it probably looked chaotic and stressful a lot of the time. But at the macro, with our DC now in college, I’d say it can be done. And it can be done well.
My advice would be - try to figure out what you will lean into and lean out of - there is a trade off. I tried to be the best at everything, including volunteering at my kids school while having a career that required international travel. Nuts.

[Anonymous]

Having kids made me a better employee in that I am more efficient and have less time to engage in firm drama/politics.

I am incredibly lucky to have a supportive husband as I travel 2x/month in my role. He is fully remote in a tech role

I also stopped at what we could reasonably handle. For us that was 2 kids close in age. They’ll only be a year apart in school so will help with drop offs, activities, etc once they are school aged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was ruinous for mine and every other woman I know. Plus, I thought I'd be sad if I didn't have kids but all my friends who didn't have kids seem much happier than me. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but it's a constant sacrifice - I will stay home tonight instead of going to the christmas party because if I do, Larla will go to bed late and be grumpy tomorrow and I don't want to deal with the grouchiness all weekend.

I wouldn’t say “ruinous” - I know many women who have advanced in their careers after having kids. But, many are Feds and just did the bare minimum when kids were young.
You will have to accept that work won’t be your first priority anymore.

For most of DCU,M, becoming a fed is ruinous. They basically work for free.

PP. What??? I'm a Fed and it has by far been the most family friendly, flexible, and challenging place I've ever worked. The focus is different when there are no CEOs, shareholders, quarterly earnings and all that. But not all agencies or employees are created equal.

But as a 20+ year employee you are making entry level wages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was ruinous for mine and every other woman I know. Plus, I thought I'd be sad if I didn't have kids but all my friends who didn't have kids seem much happier than me. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but it's a constant sacrifice - I will stay home tonight instead of going to the christmas party because if I do, Larla will go to bed late and be grumpy tomorrow and I don't want to deal with the grouchiness all weekend.

OP this is why you don't want to have a gaggle of kids. No one needs more than one and no they won't ruin your life, but they do alter it significantly. But you decided to by like a martyr like PP, i am sure you will find the misery she thrives in.

My career was and is great. Had only one child and he is now an amazing man. We did it with no family help, only daycare and schools and aftercare. I didn't make him my entire universe they he learned boundaries and that women/mother can have careers and lives outside of being "a mom".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids don’t impact career it is the husband.

Sure your DH can kneecap his career and be more involved and do school pickup and run to 4 activities a week, you just impact his career as well as your own (though yours obv is less).

It very likely means you aggregate income drops precipitously if your DH was an ambitious professional, as being an “active dad” is way out side the norm of executive class so he will really stand out in a bad way.

But if he is already some dad-bod with a low paying career path, definitely have him ramp up to boost your career. It just having kids requires SOMEONE to have the chill career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids don’t impact career it is the husband.

Facts

[Anonymous]

Of course it’s negatively impacted my career. I have less time and energy for working, networking, etc. I also have to use vacation days which I used to use to get refreshed but instead I use them for my kids sick days.

I love my kids but they definitely made me less ambitious.

[Anonymous]

I had a good career before having kids, but there were lots of evening meetings, high stress, deadlines, etc. I knew it wasn’t compatible with parenting young children, so I quit to be a SAHM. DH also had a demanding career and was supportive of me being a SAHM because he also wanted kids and knew that my previous work life was incompatible with family life unless we outsourced everything.
It’s important to voice your expectations and talk openly with your partner. Whether you work full-time, SAH, or work part-time, it’s important that your partner is happy with the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids don’t impact career it is the husband.

This. Single mom with primary custody and the breadwinner. My kid motivates me to be a better worker and mom. I still have a full life and enjoy being a mom. He’s my top priority but also knows mom has to work. I emphasize quality time and pay a ton in before and aftercare.

I have always been ambitious but have become more so because I know he depends on me. He can be tough but I love him so much and he’s a gift. I’m so glad I’ve always been career driven and never downshifted. And lucky.

Having an equal partner when kid is a baby and always getting sick during the daycare years makes a huge difference. Was good before the marriage ended when he was a toddler.

[Anonymous]

PP with the waaaay too long post on the first page.

Agreed that the husband is a big factor, especially if you don’t have family help- mine is a good dad, but the mental load and default work was never even close to 50/50.

Also another thing is your expectations for a successful career. By absolute measures, I’m successful- but am I as successful as I could have been had I not been a mom - probably not.

And finally - I have a hell of a lot more fun because I have a kid. We actually go on week long vacations and plan fun activities- rather than a long weekend here or there I’d work permits.

[Anonymous]

I still have a great career but have prioritized things like work from home. My mental state has changed. I used to be incredibly focused at work and now so much of my mental energy revolves around my children.

My career continues to grow (great raises and promotions) but I would be lying if I didn't say that my drive has dropped. That being said, my kids have made my infinitely better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still have a great career but have prioritized things like work from home. My mental state has changed. I used to be incredibly focused at work and now so much of my mental energy revolves around my children.

My career continues to grow (great raises and promotions) but I would be lying if I didn't say that my drive has dropped. That being said, my kids have made my infinitely better.

*my kids have made my LIFE infinitely better

[Anonymous]

It ruined my career (was in Biglaw) and even tried going “part time” which is full time hours for part time pay. My DH made significantly more than me so I ended up quitting to SAH with 2 kids under 3 when it became unmanageable from my perspective.

I love my kids but my oldest has presented much more of a challenge to my personality, marriage and career then I ever imagined (kid 1 is NOT typical first born rule follower, discipline pleaser at all, we’ve had significant behavioral challenges). I had ruined my mental health (but that’s for a different forum) and kept me from re-entering the job force for 10 years.

I am very fortunate that 3 years ago a long standing personal/professional contact approached me about coming to work for them inhouse so I started working again which has been a godsend. But I will never be able to make up career track wise for those 10 years sitting out. At least I have a good job now.

[Anonymous]

Since having kids, I have worked hard to have more control in my career (think, business owner instead of employee). I value flexibility. I could probably make more money but have turned down opportunities that require significant travel and a substantial number of early morning/ late evening engagements. I still have plenty of those but can make sure they work for my & DH's schedule. I only have to travel quarterly, roughly. I had a really stressful day at work last week and being able to interact with my kids put the day in perspective (for a couple hours anyway). Other times I have a difficult time turning it off when I have a bad day and I don't feel fully present with my kids. My kids are young so it may change as they have more evening extracurricular demands. Now it is pretty easy to plug back in after they go to bed and get a little more done (since I can't stay at work late anymore).