Women, how has having kids impacted your career?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I see elderly people (or people of any age) who are sick in the hospital - the career does not matter. We’ve had people who were judges and surgeons who dedicated their lives to their work. At the end of the day, relationships with people by your side matter. Kids are a nice way (forced way) to make you look outside yourself and build those relationships. Whatever you do make sure you build *multi generational * relationships with people. It’s not all about career.

To be honest when you are old and dying, your children won’t matter either.

not in our case. My MIL just passed. She held on just long enough for DH to get to her, but her other children were around her.

IMO, she held on for her son to say goodbye.

No one laments not spending more time at the office on their death beds, but they do lament not spending more time with family.

Agree with PP, family matters for most people.

I'm not a kid person, but after seeing what my MIL went through, and now my own parents (one has dementia), I do think having children matters when you are elderly, for most people.

Nobody is lamenting not seeing their mom more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this question. If you’re doing parenting right, you will have less time for work than you did before you had kids. What mom’s career has ever been HELPED by having kids?

My career was helped because I had better perspective. I was less of a perfectionist. I was more patient and less task oriented , more strategic and goal oriented. I was able to attracted the best staff because I respected them as parents/spouses/people who got sick/etc.

I became a better career woman after having kids… not immediately

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I see elderly people (or people of any age) who are sick in the hospital - the career does not matter. We’ve had people who were judges and surgeons who dedicated their lives to their work. At the end of the day, relationships with people by your side matter. Kids are a nice way (forced way) to make you look outside yourself and build those relationships. Whatever you do make sure you build *multi generational * relationships with people. It’s not all about career.

To be honest when you are old and dying, your children won’t matter either.

Probably true because if you were willing to outsource their care when they were infants and put your career ahead of them then they will return the favor when you are old.

Needlessly hostile. Glad you're a SAHM. Lose the self-righteousness. It makes you look like a b-tch.

I was definitely a SAHM when my kids were infants and toddlers and I see plenty of evidence on DCUM that people prefer to put their parents in an institutional setting when they get old. Those are just facts. You might think there is no relationship but I disagree. Calling me a bltch just makes you look like one.

No, you sound like the insecure B. I hope you don’t have any daughters bc I’m sure you kill their self esteem on a daily basis. Your black/white thinking and self righteous tone tell us everything we need to know about you, and I just see a sad, bitter resentful woman. You likely had a negative relationship with your own mother, hence your harsh judgment of other moms. It’s clear you don’t respect other women.

Spewing venomous judgmental vitriol at a stranger on the internet just because they have beliefs that don't fit your own narrative says a whole lot about you. Your random conclusions about my life are ridiculous and you might wonder about your need to come up with crap like that. Do you actually think that you respect other women? Not if they disagree with you.

Aren’t you the poster that said “as evidenced by DCUM”?

Is that “evidence “? And aren’t u using that to judge?

[Anonymous]

To OP’s question: I have avoided this thread but will say that having kids and career has worked out quite well for all of us. There were trade offs but the rewards outweigh the costs.

Having kids has sharpened a lot of skills that I need to have at work.

I had mine early in my professional career so stalled out for about a decade, but was lucky to have that time to professionally develop under a superb manager, and I had a lot of autonomy and flexibility.

Taking the next steps now that kids are older and it’s still a tightrope but I wouldn’t trade a thing.

Rock solid marriage, rock solid relationships with the kids. Lots of juggling but it keeps us all on our toes.

We also have two sources of income which is really becoming so important these days.

[Anonymous]

In general terms, I’m pretty sure research has shown being a father increases men’s salaries / helps their careers and being a mother hurts women’s. Also generally I’d tell someone not sure about having kids not to have them. DH and I knew for sure we wanted kids, but they’re like having a whole extra job.

I got married right out of graduate school and knew I wanted kids within a few years and made career choices with that in mind. For instance, I chose public policy over pursuing medicine or law (two other areas I’d considered), chose a very flexible / stable federal job (though this was also influenced by my husband’s less predictable work) and then chose to focus on domestic policy rather than international policy because I couldn’t imagine the international travel working with a family. That said, I was never super driven to have the most kick-ass career possible. I went part time for a few years when my kids were younger and was able to promote during that time. Previously, before kids and while working full time, I had not promoted. Maybe it just wasn’t my time, maybe something changed, it’s hard to know. I can directly point to my children in terms of having almost no sick leave. Two unpaid absences from work, children in daycare, and one with some medical issues that lead to frequent (weekly) appointments will do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids don’t impact career it is the husband.

Sure your DH can kneecap his career and be more involved and do school pickup and run to 4 activities a week, you just impact his career as well as your own (though yours obv is less).

It very likely means you aggregate income drops precipitously if your DH was an ambitious professional, as being an “active dad” is way out side the norm of executive class so he will really stand out in a bad way.

But if he is already some dad-bod with a low paying career path, definitely have him ramp up to boost your career. It just having kids requires SOMEONE to have the chill career.

My husband is an “active dad” (which I would define as shared responsibility), and he is in the executive class. And I think everyone admires him. Or maybe they realize they would sound ridiculous if they didn’t? Or maybe they are scared of me? I do tend to speak my mind about equity in such matters when I’m at his work events.

Regardless, he’s made it happen. So men CAN do it. They just need to be brave enough and evolved enough to push back a bit.

But to other’s points about kids - we only have one child, and I know that helps a lot. It can still be draining. But I would not say my experience as a working mom (that travels a fair bit) is overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on the fence about having them and would appreciate hearing the impact, positive or negative, that having children has had on your working life.

There is more to life than work.

I don’t know if my career was “ruined”. I may not have climbed the corporate ladder, but I love my kids more than anything. I have a great interesting and well paying job. That’s enough.

I am loving my life - it is not built around my career. I built my career around my life and made it work.

[Anonymous]

My career plateaued but my life got infinitely richer.

[Anonymous]

Working moms are the best managers. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In general terms, I’m pretty sure research has shown being a father increases men’s salaries / helps their careers and being a mother hurts women’s. Also generally I’d tell someone not sure about having kids not to have them. DH and I knew for sure we wanted kids, but they’re like having a whole extra job.

I got married right out of graduate school and knew I wanted kids within a few years and made career choices with that in mind. For instance, I chose public policy over pursuing medicine or law (two other areas I’d considered), chose a very flexible / stable federal job (though this was also influenced by my husband’s less predictable work) and then chose to focus on domestic policy rather than international policy because I couldn’t imagine the international travel working with a family. That said, I was never super driven to have the most kick-ass career possible. I went part time for a few years when my kids were younger and was able to promote during that time. Previously, before kids and while working full time, I had not promoted. Maybe it just wasn’t my time, maybe something changed, it’s hard to know. I can directly point to my children in terms of having almost no sick leave. Two unpaid absences from work, children in daycare, and one with some medical issues that lead to frequent (weekly) appointments will do that.

My DH is great, he has a loving and fun relationship with the kids and does a lot (after many years of negotiations of course), but his tradeoffs will never match mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In general terms, I’m pretty sure research has shown being a father increases men’s salaries / helps their careers and being a mother hurts women’s. Also generally I’d tell someone not sure about having kids not to have them. DH and I knew for sure we wanted kids, but they’re like having a whole extra job.

I got married right out of graduate school and knew I wanted kids within a few years and made career choices with that in mind. For instance, I chose public policy over pursuing medicine or law (two other areas I’d considered), chose a very flexible / stable federal job (though this was also influenced by my husband’s less predictable work) and then chose to focus on domestic policy rather than international policy because I couldn’t imagine the international travel working with a family. That said, I was never super driven to have the most kick-ass career possible. I went part time for a few years when my kids were younger and was able to promote during that time. Previously, before kids and while working full time, I had not promoted. Maybe it just wasn’t my time, maybe something changed, it’s hard to know. I can directly point to my children in terms of having almost no sick leave. Two unpaid absences from work, children in daycare, and one with some medical issues that lead to frequent (weekly) appointments will do that.

Promotions are also about business needs, if you built a solid reputation before kids, maybe it was just a time the business needs you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I see elderly people (or people of any age) who are sick in the hospital - the career does not matter. We’ve had people who were judges and surgeons who dedicated their lives to their work. At the end of the day, relationships with people by your side matter. Kids are a nice way (forced way) to make you look outside yourself and build those relationships. Whatever you do make sure you build *multi generational * relationships with people. It’s not all about career.

To be honest when you are old and dying, your children won’t matter either.

Probably true because if you were willing to outsource their care when they were infants and put your career ahead of them then they will return the favor when you are old.

Nah the kids will recognize you made them your whole life and they will be glad to be done with u as a burden.

Hey, guys, there is a lot in between the two extremes you are both imagining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I see elderly people (or people of any age) who are sick in the hospital - the career does not matter. We’ve had people who were judges and surgeons who dedicated their lives to their work. At the end of the day, relationships with people by your side matter. Kids are a nice way (forced way) to make you look outside yourself and build those relationships. Whatever you do make sure you build *multi generational * relationships with people. It’s not all about career.

To be honest when you are old and dying, your children won’t matter either.

Probably true because if you were willing to outsource their care when they were infants and put your career ahead of them then they will return the favor when you are old.

Nah the kids will recognize you made them your whole life and they will be glad to be done with u as a burden.

Hey, guys, there is a lot in between the two extremes you are both imagining.

But neither is affected by your working status and could be different for each child raised by the same parents.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read through all of this …. But I am a c-suite executive for a publicly traded company, was a partner at a law firm, and a mom of three kids.

I should start off by saying that I always wanted to have kids. I come from a big family and wanted that for myself. Not having kids for my career, or even waiting until my late 30s, was never something I considered.

Having kids may have slowed down the progression of my career a bit, but ultimately has made me a stronger leader in terms of emotional intelligence, empathy, and well-roundness. I have a very strong support system in terms of grandparents who wanted a big role and had a part-time nanny and a very supportive husband. I’m also lucky in that my kids are mostly healthy and not having special challenges outside of the norm - we’ve done all sorts of therapies and had our challenges, but nothing completely debilitating.

I love my career absolutely, but having kids has made my life richer in every single way. I may have been on the fast track to promotions a little faster with no kids, but ultimately realize that your work doesn’t love you back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids don’t impact career it is the husband.

Sure your DH can kneecap his career and be more involved and do school pickup and run to 4 activities a week, you just impact his career as well as your own (though yours obv is less).

It very likely means you aggregate income drops precipitously if your DH was an ambitious professional, as being an “active dad” is way out side the norm of executive class so he will really stand out in a bad way.

But if he is already some dad-bod with a low paying career path, definitely have him ramp up to boost your career. It just having kids requires SOMEONE to have the chill career.

My husband is an “active dad” (which I would define as shared responsibility), and he is in the executive class. And I think everyone admires him. Or maybe they realize they would sound ridiculous if they didn’t? Or maybe they are scared of me? I do tend to speak my mind about equity in such matters when I’m at his work events.

Regardless, he’s made it happen. So men CAN do it. They just need to be brave enough and evolved enough to push back a bit.

But to other’s points about kids - we only have one child, and I know that helps a lot. It can still be draining. But I would not say my experience as a working mom (that travels a fair bit) is overwhelming.

So who is doing badly pickup from school and taking the kid to 5pm soccer and piano lessons?