Women, how has having kids impacted your career?

[Anonymous]

Pick a good DH. MY DH has a decently high paying job (400k) and complete work from home flexibility - so he is primary parent. He does all doctor appointments and all pick ups. Son is thriving. I work at a non-profit and only make half what DH makes - so law paying, but very fulfilling work. I am in-person all week and do not have flexibility. We did decide to stop at one - it was my decision since DH wanted 3 children. I could only mentally handle one.

Pick a good DH who wants to co-parent in a real way. DH does all mental load work too - since he’s the main volunteer for everything.

Women take on too much, men can help. DH really wanted children - and it shows in his day to day commitment to our son.

[Anonymous]

Destroyed it. I had undiagnosed ADHD and could not handle work and being the primary caregiver at the same time. It destroyed my mental health so I stepped back and am freelancing occasionally, but mostly just trying to hold the day-to-day together. I don't define myself by my work or my children so it's not totally catastrophic, but if I get divorced then yeah I'm effed because I'll have to climb back up the cliff somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick a good DH. MY DH has a decently high paying job (400k) and complete work from home flexibility - so he is primary parent. He does all doctor appointments and all pick ups. Son is thriving. I work at a non-profit and only make half what DH makes - so law paying, but very fulfilling work. I am in-person all week and do not have flexibility. We did decide to stop at one - it was my decision since DH wanted 3 children. I could only mentally handle one.

Pick a good DH who wants to co-parent in a real way. DH does all mental load work too - since he’s the main volunteer for everything.

Women take on too much, men can help. DH really wanted children - and it shows in his day to day commitment to our son.

This x100. Instead of just considering how you will handle being a parent, consider how your partner will be as well.

[Anonymous]

In a nutshell - I didn't make counsel or partner (lawyer) because, in part, I wasn't willing to put in the hours in my last trimester or on maternity leave, so I (perhaps) now make less money than I would have (who knows what that future , but am so much happier with my work-life balance than I would have been, so it's all to the good.

[Anonymous]

Took 3 years off, set me behind by about 5 years compared to peers who didn't leave the workforce.

[Anonymous]

I waited until my mid-40s to have kids. my career progression or lack thereof was all on me-- i was clearly never going to be a high-powered executive. Having a kid has been good or at least net-neutral. Instead of getting penalized for maybe having kids someday-- which was the case in my 20s or 30s despite not wanting them at all-- now I'm given leeway for things that come up. Work-life balance is good, the adventure of raising a small human is fun. Biggest hit is that I am absolutely that person falling asleep on the sofa at 9pm, but I might have turned into that person anyway just due to being Old Now.

[Anonymous]

I was never super ambitious. I want to do interesting work and be paid well but do not aspire to be CEO or similar. I did the hard charging work-all-the-time thing in my 20s. That was good, it gave me a good network and strong reputation, but I also realized I didn't want to do that for the rest of my life. Having kids was more important to me. When I had kids I downshifted to freelancing and did that until they were both in elementary school. Had no trouble going back to a FT job at a company that does good things, where I'm respected, well-paid, and have a great boss. I prioritized stability and good work-life balance so have been here a long time. I guess if I didn't have kids I'd have jumped around to more jobs, prioritizing more variety and salary gains. Still, now that my kids are in college and I think about doing something else, the jobs that look interesting have a salary range that's lower than what I make now. So, I don't see much reason to leave. Now I just have more free time for travel (lot of vacation time + retired spouse), hobbies, social life.

I think if you are 100% a career-first person, you can keep that up but only with good help, involved spouse, and probably only 1 kid. That's what I see in the women I work with who are in senior leadership roles.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with PPs about the DH being the factor. I have a great DH who does at least 50% of the parenting- but it has negatively impacted his career as well. We just used to work a lot and we simply have less time.

[Anonymous]

After I had my kids, it was like a switch flipped in my mental wiring. Nothing was more important than my kids and family. It was the same for my DH but to a lesser extent, because he had to work because he took his provider role even more seriously.

I was a top performer at work and produced excellent results with least amount of effort. But, when our HHI increased mainly due to my DH's earnings, both of us felt that my time should go in looking after our children.

I have been a very happy and satisfied SAHM and our kids have also done extremely well. But, I believe that I would have still had a career if my paycheck was needed to pay the bills. In that situation, I would have viewed the money I earn as a service to my children's wellbeing and I would have continued to work. As it was, my modest paycheck seemed like a product of my own vanity and wasteful use of my time that I could have spent on my children.

At the end of it, I am incredibly happy and satisfied that I have spent my time with my kids. But, it is quite possible, if I was working and then retired, I would have been incredibly happy and satisfied that I spent my time in the office. Who knows? Also, maybe, if I was in a career where I was researching the cure of terrible illnesses or changing the fortunes of the world, I would have continued working. But, I was working strictly to earn money and my work was to increase the profits of corporate America. So, my work did not have a mission that was more worthy than raising my kids.

[Anonymous]

I think you are asking the wrong question. Your question should be " Do I want to have kids?" because that is a very real responsibility and ticking clock, not just biologically but also energy-level wise. It is very hard to bring up kids in retirement age, even adopting. If you want to have kids, you prioritize that and your career second. Don't look for excuses not to have kids.

That said, my career trajectory was slowed down by having kids. Honestly, I don't know if I'd be able to navigate work stress as well as I do without knowing my family depended on me. I have some mentors who don't have kids, and I see how they seem to be more affected by organizational issues. That may be a good thing if you are actually trying to grow the organization, but it isn't if you get burnt out. Kids balance me out and give me a "north star" that's pretty motivating. But yes, it can be a lot to juggle and I have begged out of many business travel that might have been prime networking.

[Anonymous]

The easy answer is to have only one kid. I had to wind down for a few years when he was born - working more like 70% (both hours and mental energy). But it's easy to juggle one kid and still give whatever you want to work. I honestly don't know why people have two kids if they're interested in still working.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids and started at 33, after I had a strong start in my career. I work in finance. I burned the midnight oil in my 20s - working nights, traveling - and I don't burn any midnight oil anymore. I earn over $1M/year. I'm a total go-getter, high energy, high motivation. I never stop moving. I love my job and I love my kids even more, of course. Get home from work at 5:15 and I'm running around to my kids' games, lessons, sitting with them at the piano, going over their homework/school projects, taking them on fun outings. I will say - I have sacrificed my own personal interests since having kids. I have no hobbies anymore, whereas I was pretty passionate and involved in them before kids. I don't have time for anything other than working 9-5 and parenting at all other hours. I consider having a good marriage part of good parenting, so I do still make time for DH - got the kids a pizza and went out to dinner with just him last night. Anyway, you should definitely have kids. It's the best thing ever. I wasn't sure if I wanted them because having a big career was really important to me. I think I actually only started because I had hit my 30s and felt like it was something I "should" do - have just one kid - but the day I became a mom I was transformed and consumed with love. Totally awesome. I'm proud of my career too and I love that my kids see me doing it. I really feel like...after they're out of the toddler years (which, admittedly, were sometimes gut wrenching for me to be away), their experience is not much different having a working vs. nonworking mom. We're all out of the house during almost the same hours, and DH can be home for them after school, so it works for all of us.

[Anonymous]

I always wanted to have kids and not having kids was never a consideration for me. I work because want to make money to live - but if somehow I was independently wealthy or if my spouse made more money - I would be fine to not work. I don’t define myself by my work.

That said - if I had no kids - I’m sure my work life would be different. I would probably be a partner. I don’t care that I’m not a partner now tho - I make enough. And who knows - maybe I’ll work more when they’re all in college. I’ll be 51 then - I had my youngest at 33.

The thing my friends and I comment on lately is that we don’t think it got “easier” to work and have kids as they got older - it’s just different. I have no plans to resume full time work until my youngest is at college.

[Anonymous]

It's given me great perspective. I work in an operations role where sh*t is hitting the fan all the time and customer outreach is important.

I find those without children (no women i work with are childless btw) are completely out of control with their emotions when it comes to things going wrong or needing to smooth things over with a client.

They are so completely self-centered, lack self-awareness, never understand it's not about them, and essentially order people around instead of building relationships. Again, I don't work with any women without children, so perhaps this is a male thing.

My boss often says, why are you so calm?

When you have to be in charge of another human you learn to remain calm in the face of many challenges.

[Anonymous]

Good god. There are some really terrible parents and spouses out there.

Have kids if you want to. If you are balancing which is more important - your children or your career, don't have kids.

My children are more important than any other aspect of my life. I made sacrifices to be a better mother - including leaving my firm and starting my own solo operation. I've worked at home for 15 years to accommodate raising kids and being available when they need.

My career is not prestigious - mainly bc I sit at home - but I really DGAF. I'm a good mother and still make a pretty good salary. Looking back, opting to start my own business was fantastic for me because I make more and run my own show. Win-win.

But that doesn't happen for everyone becuase I know lots of women who spend too much time angry about where they thought that they should've been. Tt's a weird selfish tailspin.