Women, how has having kids impacted your career?

[Anonymous]

I am on the fence about having them and would appreciate hearing the impact, positive or negative, that having children has had on your working life.

[Anonymous]

For every single ‘it was only positive’ theres 50 ‘it completely derailed my career’ stories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on the fence about having them and would appreciate hearing the impact, positive or negative, that having children has had on your working life.

Having kids impacts negatively on kids and having a career impacts negatively on kids AND having both impacts negatively on mental, physical, marital, social health. You just've to be able to juggle all balls and let go of ones you can't or you'll end up dropping them all.

[Anonymous]

It was ruinous for mine and every other woman I know. Plus, I thought I'd be sad if I didn't have kids but all my friends who didn't have kids seem much happier than me. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but it's a constant sacrifice - I will stay home tonight instead of going to the christmas party because if I do, Larla will go to bed late and be grumpy tomorrow and I don't want to deal with the grouchiness all weekend.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to my mother I’ve managed to have a highly successful career and so has my sister. Our kids have basically had two mothers. We are extremely fortunate.

[Anonymous]

It was good for mine. As i became more efficient. But dh had a more flexible job earlier on. The early years and before school were easier since we had a nanny. I spent quality time with my kids certainly but they had other loving caregivers too. Now both are in ES and i want to be there with them at 3:30 and do activities and take off when they have off school. So working hard in their early years i now have flexibility. But i wouldn't take a big travel job now. I had them late so I'm 42 now and had most of my 30s to plug away. Its a juggle and choice of partner matters so much. Dh is fully present in parenting and house stuff and doesnt have a job where he stays until 7 etc. I also make 50% more than him so thats our calculus and we both want to retire or scale back by 58 or so n

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was ruinous for mine and every other woman I know. Plus, I thought I'd be sad if I didn't have kids but all my friends who didn't have kids seem much happier than me. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but it's a constant sacrifice - I will stay home tonight instead of going to the christmas party because if I do, Larla will go to bed late and be grumpy tomorrow and I don't want to deal with the grouchiness all weekend.

I wouldn’t say “ruinous” - I know many women who have advanced in their careers after having kids. But, many are Feds and just did the bare minimum when kids were young.
You will have to accept that work won’t be your first priority anymore.

[Anonymous]

I only have one kid, who has been a relatively easy kid in some ways (healthy, developmentally on track) and somewhat overwhelming for me (big emotions, sensitive, anxious, ADHD), so grain of salt.

It really depends on what mothering style you want to have. I’m awful at imaginative play and planning activities with friends and volunteering at school. But I listen a lot to my kid, I am there 95% of the time after school/daycare - as she’s grown, it’s less hands on, but I tuck her in most nights and chat with her. I plan fun family activities. And most draining, I try to really help her with her big feelings and emotions.

That emotional energy is what has made focusing on my career hard, because I’m just mentally drained and I can’t take on the additional stress that comes with advancing my career. I thought it was time, but it’s not really that. So I “mommy tracked” when the parenting work went from the physical overwhelm of the baby and toddler years to the emotional overwhelm of elementary aged kids. It’s still a well compensated, highly skilled job, but I can compartmentalize it.

But I know plenty of women who admittedly outsource a lot of that - to nannies or grandparents. I can think of one woman who bragged she had never put her elementary aged daughters to bed, or driven them to activities - the nanny did it. But she’s a big partner in Big Law. I know another family where the elementary aged kids are with their grandparents a few states away for weeks at a time when school is out, and the grandparents come up a lot when school is in session. And the mom’s career is going amazingly well.

I’m at an impasse in my career. Do I continue with the job that isn’t that fulfilling, but is manageable most of the time, or do I push for something more - trying to figure that out.

Sometimes I get frustrated and wonder how successful I’d be if I didn’t have a child, or if I my parenting and household role was more like my husband’s - present, loving, etc. but not the primary parent and household manager.

But then I realize I would so so so much rather have my daughter and the relationship I have with her, than that career success. I think I would have still been happy, and enjoyed life as much as I’m capable of without having her - but I’m thrilled that I did have her.

[Anonymous]

The kids don’t impact career it is the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was ruinous for mine and every other woman I know. Plus, I thought I'd be sad if I didn't have kids but all my friends who didn't have kids seem much happier than me. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but it's a constant sacrifice - I will stay home tonight instead of going to the christmas party because if I do, Larla will go to bed late and be grumpy tomorrow and I don't want to deal with the grouchiness all weekend.

I wouldn’t say “ruinous” - I know many women who have advanced in their careers after having kids. But, many are Feds and just did the bare minimum when kids were young.
You will have to accept that work won’t be your first priority anymore.

For most of DCU,M, becoming a fed is ruinous. They basically work for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on the fence about having them and would appreciate hearing the impact, positive or negative, that having children has had on your working life.

It will be far worse for you OP, your generation is simply not having kids. Which means all your competition will be child free women who make you look bad.

Is your mother around to be the de facto grandmother parent or will your DH SAHD?

[Anonymous]

I pulled back from focusing on career for about 6 years when my kids were young, then did a career change. I do not regret that one bit. It did put me behind my friends, salary wise, for a while, but now I'm back on par with them.

It can be intense at times since one of my kids has SN that have gotten better with time. It got better for me as they got older and could handle personal care on their own.

I think the reason it wasn't ruinous for me, like it was for others like PP, is that I had/have a good support system with family close by. Telework and good supervisors have also been key. Do I drop the balls sometimes, yes, but often I found that the only person expecting perfection was me.

[Anonymous]

I essentially had to choose - children or being a Partner in my firm. I chose kids. Others I know made a different choice or tried to do both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was ruinous for mine and every other woman I know. Plus, I thought I'd be sad if I didn't have kids but all my friends who didn't have kids seem much happier than me. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but it's a constant sacrifice - I will stay home tonight instead of going to the christmas party because if I do, Larla will go to bed late and be grumpy tomorrow and I don't want to deal with the grouchiness all weekend.

I wouldn’t say “ruinous” - I know many women who have advanced in their careers after having kids. But, many are Feds and just did the bare minimum when kids were young.
You will have to accept that work won’t be your first priority anymore.

For most of DCU,M, becoming a fed is ruinous. They basically work for free.

PP. What??? I'm a Fed and it has by far been the most family friendly, flexible, and challenging place I've ever worked. The focus is different when there are no CEOs, shareholders, quarterly earnings and all that. But not all agencies or employees are created equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids don’t impact career it is the husband.

This.