Messy husband, won’t clean

[Anonymous]

Mine is the same so I put my foot down and we have cleaning company come more often. Also lawn people etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chore chart. I'm 100% serious, we do it after going to marriage counseling over this.
We have set nights for who is doing dinner, dishes, bathtime and bedtime. Bathroom cleaning and vacuum on weekends, although maybe you can afford to hire a cleaner.

DIY and yard work are not daily tasks, they are on par with doctor visits and planning childcare/camp. Which I bet you handle.

But the "I earn more so I get more leisure time" is really gross and I would go to counseling over that mindset. You are a partner not an employee.

This is perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve read on dcum today. If you’re making this argument, I’m not going to take anything else you say serisouly.

Hah, found the guy who thinks mowing the lawn once a week in the summer means he doesn't have to do dishes or vacuum.

No, you found a working mom who handles 100% of all "emotional labor" like camps, doctors appointments etc and also handles 100% of the DIY stuff around the house, but pays $500 a month for yard service because I know it's a lot of work. A lot more than camp planning.

I mean obviously it depends on your yard and the expectations of your family and neighborhood in terms of upkeep. I personally do not have enough yard to justify either $500/mo OR someone working on it every single weekend for hours. My DH does the mowing and I do the weeding and collectively we probably spend 20 hours on it for the whole year.

If you live in a run of the mill suburban house with a small ish yard, you're spending more than 20 hours a year on yardwork. A lot more than 20 hours a year on yardwork. If you're not spending at least 1-2 hours every week on yardwork (mowing etc) then your yard likely looks like a beat up dump. WHich is fine - not everyone needs the fancy manicured lawn.

But for exactly the same reason, maybe it's okay to have a few dishes in the sink after dinner and deal with them in the morning. I mean, these are pretty analogous, no? It's just people's own preferences, all of which may be reasonable?

You live here and you mow in the winter? C'mon.
Mowing is 2 hours a week for like 10 weeks a year, plus a few hours raking leaves in the fall, and you can do it on your own schedule. It does not in any way compare to the daily need for food on the table at certain times, dishes done, lunches packed. Or even to regular vacuuming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.


As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.

OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.

My wife will tell her girlfriends "He doesn't help out with chores!".

Yet this is literally a list of everything I do:

All car maintenance
All home repairs and maintenance
All hard maintenance
Take out the trash
Take care of all finances
Only one that cleans the fridge
Only one that actually *cleans* the bathrooms
Only one that regularly cleans the stop top and microwaves and counters
Vacuum 50% of the time
Cook 50% of the time
Do the dishes and with the washer 50% of the time.

My wife does laundry, cleans the surface of bathrooms, and cooks 50% of the time. Yet according to her I never do anything. This is why I rarely believe narratives like this. The partner complaining never gives equal credit.

Lol, over the summer I did back breaking work repointing our brick home over multiple days and saved us thousands of dollars. Of course that never gets acknowledged.

Who does the following:

Buy kid clothes and shoes
Respond to school emails
Sign up for camps
Deal with childcare (nanny, daycare, sitters, etc.)
Take children to appointments (dentist, doctor, etc.)
Plan vacations
Buy presents for birthdays/holidays
Deal with parents/in-laws
Handles hosting guests

I feel like my husband and I (who both work full-time) have a great split of things so I'm not an unhappy shrew or anything, I'm just curious about these things that you didn't include since your list was anything but exhaustive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chore chart. I'm 100% serious, we do it after going to marriage counseling over this.
We have set nights for who is doing dinner, dishes, bathtime and bedtime. Bathroom cleaning and vacuum on weekends, although maybe you can afford to hire a cleaner.

DIY and yard work are not daily tasks, they are on par with doctor visits and planning childcare/camp. Which I bet you handle.

But the "I earn more so I get more leisure time" is really gross and I would go to counseling over that mindset. You are a partner not an employee.

This is perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve read on dcum today. If you’re making this argument, I’m not going to take anything else you say serisouly.

Hah, found the guy who thinks mowing the lawn once a week in the summer means he doesn't have to do dishes or vacuum.

No, you found a working mom who handles 100% of all "emotional labor" like camps, doctors appointments etc and also handles 100% of the DIY stuff around the house, but pays $500 a month for yard service because I know it's a lot of work. A lot more than camp planning.

I mean obviously it depends on your yard and the expectations of your family and neighborhood in terms of upkeep. I personally do not have enough yard to justify either $500/mo OR someone working on it every single weekend for hours. My DH does the mowing and I do the weeding and collectively we probably spend 20 hours on it for the whole year.

If you live in a run of the mill suburban house with a small ish yard, you're spending more than 20 hours a year on yardwork. A lot more than 20 hours a year on yardwork. If you're not spending at least 1-2 hours every week on yardwork (mowing etc) then your yard likely looks like a beat up dump. WHich is fine - not everyone needs the fancy manicured lawn.

But for exactly the same reason, maybe it's okay to have a few dishes in the sink after dinner and deal with them in the morning. I mean, these are pretty analogous, no? It's just people's own preferences, all of which may be reasonable?

You live here and you mow in the winter? C'mon.
Mowing is 2 hours a week for like 10 weeks a year, plus a few hours raking leaves in the fall, and you can do it on your own schedule. It does not in any way compare to the daily need for food on the table at certain times, dishes done, lunches packed. Or even to regular vacuuming.

See this is exactly what I'm talking about, overrating what you do and down playing what your spouse does.

Don't be stupid. Hard work includes insane amounts of weeding, edging, weed whacking, pruning etc. Let me know when you've repointed a house, snaked drains, and repaired electrical. The repointing alone is such back breaking work it is the equivalent of doing 30 loads of laundry.

Your reading comprehension also sucks, bad. Because I already said I cook half the time, do dishes half the time, and vacuum. Bathrooms never get a proper clean unless I do them, because all my wife does is spray Windex on the surface, wipe, and consider that she 'cleaned' the bathroom. Yeah, where do you think all of the soap scum, mildew, and grime went? Oh yeah that's right, it only got cleaned once it actually got a real scrub and not a superficial wash (i.e. me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.


As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.

OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.

My wife will tell her girlfriends "He doesn't help out with chores!".

Yet this is literally a list of everything I do:

All car maintenance
All home repairs and maintenance
All hard maintenance
Take out the trash
Take care of all finances
Only one that cleans the fridge
Only one that actually *cleans* the bathrooms
Only one that regularly cleans the stop top and microwaves and counters
Vacuum 50% of the time
Cook 50% of the time
Do the dishes and with the washer 50% of the time.

My wife does laundry, cleans the surface of bathrooms, and cooks 50% of the time. Yet according to her I never do anything. This is why I rarely believe narratives like this. The partner complaining never gives equal credit.

Lol, over the summer I did back breaking work repointing our brick home over multiple days and saved us thousands of dollars. Of course that never gets acknowledged.

Who does the following:

Buy kid clothes and shoes
Respond to school emails
Sign up for camps
Deal with childcare (nanny, daycare, sitters, etc.)
Take children to appointments (dentist, doctor, etc.)
Plan vacations
Buy presents for birthdays/holidays
Deal with parents/in-laws
Handles hosting guests

I feel like my husband and I (who both work full-time) have a great split of things so I'm not an unhappy shrew or anything, I'm just curious about these things that you didn't include since your list was anything but exhaustive.

No kids
No school emails
No camps
No daycare
No kids appts
Vacations planned equally
I actually do most of the gift buying
I deal with inlaws and their cognitive decline
Equally deal with hosting guests

[Anonymous]

Divorce, shared custody, you might even get a little alimony since he loves to point out how he makes more than you. You married poorly.

[Anonymous]

Tell him it does but feel fair to you (the relaxing at night example is a good one).
So you two need to compromise.

One person in a partnership does but always get their way. He has your husband, not your employer.

If he throws the money in your face, throw the child care in his.

Just decide ahead of time what your top asks are.

If he won’t deal, hire a mediator. Stand your ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, your feelings are founded. He doesn't get to rest at night while you work. Train him better.

Well said!

I was one of those women who dreamed about happy-ever-after. Slowly it dawned on me that my husband's idea of marriage was an assumption that marriage meant that I did all of the "women's work" while he did what he wanted. That included doing the manly chores, but he spent unlimited funds on his toys, such as power tools, fishing boats, and hunting gear. He went fishing and hunting with his friends on the weekends. I enjoyed cooking and having time for myself on the weekends. All went well enough, for a while.

As the years went on, he became busier at work and I took care of all the homemaking duties, including taking care of the kids and paying the bills. He would ask for an accurate account9ng of household funds at random times and questioned me if I went over his budget. He would pat me on my ass and tell me that I was doing a good job.

When he was home in the evenings, he wanted to relax after work while I cooked, cleaned, and helped with homework. The kids adored him. He was always the fun parent who watched TV with them. He didn't remind them to clean their rooms or do homework.

He frequently praised me in front of others and said that I was such a great wife and mother. He gave me gifts like expensive vacuum cleaners, bar-b-que grills, fish smokers, and sexy clothes. One time he patted my ass in front of our friends and the game was over.

I don't know why it took me so long to divorce him, but when it came time to talk about alimony, I told him that I didn't want a cent and would be happy to never have to depend on him, ever again, for anything. Thirty years later, we still see each other at family events that include children and grandchildren. He remarried and I'm happy to be free.

Your concerns are valid, and I hope that you gain some insight from my experience.

OP- Thank you for sharing. Divorce has crossed my mind. Like you, I would not want a single cent from him. I’m able to be financially independent and have never viewed any of his wealth as mine. Sometimes I think if I was willing to accept some of his money then I wouldn’t feel so unjust in this relationship?

Do you feel that your children are closer to you now? Given that u took care of them more when they were younger ?

I think that our kids are close to both of us now. He spent more quality time with them on the weekends after we divorced. They were older by then, too.

Good luck to you, OP. I hope that you can find your way through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.


As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.

OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.

My wife will tell her girlfriends "He doesn't help out with chores!".

Yet this is literally a list of everything I do:

All car maintenance
All home repairs and maintenance
All hard maintenance
Take out the trash
Take care of all finances
Only one that cleans the fridge
Only one that actually *cleans* the bathrooms
Only one that regularly cleans the stop top and microwaves and counters
Vacuum 50% of the time
Cook 50% of the time
Do the dishes and with the washer 50% of the time.

My wife does laundry, cleans the surface of bathrooms, and cooks 50% of the time. Yet according to her I never do anything. This is why I rarely believe narratives like this. The partner complaining never gives equal credit.

Lol, over the summer I did back breaking work repointing our brick home over multiple days and saved us thousands of dollars. Of course that never gets acknowledged.

OP- if my DH did even half of this list I’d be happy. He does house repairs which I have to admit I don’t really acknowledged as much as I think he wants me to mainly because they are a one and done type thing. Also the DIY I want him to do he never gets done (e.g no towel hook for 3 years and counting, yet to install the security system I bought 4 years ago). He doesn’t lift a finger after he comes back from work. I do all the cleaning and family admin either in the night when the kids are sleeping or I’m doing it whilst looking after them. I resent I get no me time at all. I resent that I’m not the best I can be at work nor striving to do better in my career because my home life is too taxing.

Tonight I come down from putting the kids to bed and now have to tackle the night time clean up. He sits there on his phone whilst I clear plates and sweep up around him. He doesn’t even feel any conscience to help out and is waiting till I finish cleaning to get some nookie ?!?! I tell him I’m not in the mood so he leaves sulking.

It seems petty to separate over cleaning and household chores. I’d hate for my kids to go through that. I keep telling myself that I can only change myself.. so ultimately that means I will have to dig deep to find the resolve to change my mindset on this and find better strategies to make things easier for me. I just hope that what’s left of my love for him doesn’t dissipate to nothing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, your feelings are founded. He doesn't get to rest at night while you work. Train him better.

Well said!

I was one of those women who dreamed about happy-ever-after. Slowly it dawned on me that my husband's idea of marriage was an assumption that marriage meant that I did all of the "women's work" while he did what he wanted. That included doing the manly chores, but he spent unlimited funds on his toys, such as power tools, fishing boats, and hunting gear. He went fishing and hunting with his friends on the weekends. I enjoyed cooking and having time for myself on the weekends. All went well enough, for a while.

As the years went on, he became busier at work and I took care of all the homemaking duties, including taking care of the kids and paying the bills. He would ask for an accurate account9ng of household funds at random times and questioned me if I went over his budget. He would pat me on my ass and tell me that I was doing a good job.

When he was home in the evenings, he wanted to relax after work while I cooked, cleaned, and helped with homework. The kids adored him. He was always the fun parent who watched TV with them. He didn't remind them to clean their rooms or do homework.

He frequently praised me in front of others and said that I was such a great wife and mother. He gave me gifts like expensive vacuum cleaners, bar-b-que grills, fish smokers, and sexy clothes. One time he patted my ass in front of our friends and the game was over.

I don't know why it took me so long to divorce him, but when it came time to talk about alimony, I told him that I didn't want a cent and would be happy to never have to depend on him, ever again, for anything. Thirty years later, we still see each other at family events that include children and grandchildren. He remarried and I'm happy to be free.

Your concerns are valid, and I hope that you gain some insight from my experience.

OP- Thank you for sharing. Divorce has crossed my mind. Like you, I would not want a single cent from him. I’m able to be financially independent and have never viewed any of his wealth as mine. Sometimes I think if I was willing to accept some of his money then I wouldn’t feel so unjust in this relationship?

Do you feel that your children are closer to you now? Given that u took care of them more when they were younger ?

I think that our kids are close to both of us now. He spent more quality time with them on the weekends after we divorced. They were older by then, too.

Good luck to you, OP. I hope that you can find your way through this.

Thank you ❤️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.


As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.

OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.

My wife will tell her girlfriends "He doesn't help out with chores!".

Yet this is literally a list of everything I do:

All car maintenance
All home repairs and maintenance
All hard maintenance
Take out the trash
Take care of all finances
Only one that cleans the fridge
Only one that actually *cleans* the bathrooms
Only one that regularly cleans the stop top and microwaves and counters
Vacuum 50% of the time
Cook 50% of the time
Do the dishes and with the washer 50% of the time.

My wife does laundry, cleans the surface of bathrooms, and cooks 50% of the time. Yet according to her I never do anything. This is why I rarely believe narratives like this. The partner complaining never gives equal credit.

Lol, over the summer I did back breaking work repointing our brick home over multiple days and saved us thousands of dollars. Of course that never gets acknowledged.

OP- if my DH did even half of this list I’d be happy. He does house repairs which I have to admit I don’t really acknowledged as much as I think he wants me to mainly because they are a one and done type thing. Also the DIY I want him to do he never gets done (e.g no towel hook for 3 years and counting, yet to install the security system I bought 4 years ago). He doesn’t lift a finger after he comes back from work. I do all the cleaning and family admin either in the night when the kids are sleeping or I’m doing it whilst looking after them. I resent I get no me time at all. I resent that I’m not the best I can be at work nor striving to do better in my career because my home life is too taxing.

Tonight I come down from putting the kids to bed and now have to tackle the night time clean up. He sits there on his phone whilst I clear plates and sweep up around him. He doesn’t even feel any conscience to help out and is waiting till I finish cleaning to get some nookie ?!?! I tell him I’m not in the mood so he leaves sulking.

It seems petty to separate over cleaning and household chores. I’d hate for my kids to go through that. I keep telling myself that I can only change myself.. so ultimately that means I will have to dig deep to find the resolve to change my mindset on this and find better strategies to make things easier for me. I just hope that what’s left of my love for him doesn’t dissipate to nothing

NP. How would he respond if you asked him in the moment to come and help you? Especially if you have an external reason (e.g. "I have to go to bed earlier because I have an early meeting tomorrow"), or something is too heavy for you to lift?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.


As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.

OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.

My wife will tell her girlfriends "He doesn't help out with chores!".

Yet this is literally a list of everything I do:

All car maintenance
All home repairs and maintenance
All hard maintenance
Take out the trash
Take care of all finances
Only one that cleans the fridge
Only one that actually *cleans* the bathrooms
Only one that regularly cleans the stop top and microwaves and counters
Vacuum 50% of the time
Cook 50% of the time
Do the dishes and with the washer 50% of the time.

My wife does laundry, cleans the surface of bathrooms, and cooks 50% of the time. Yet according to her I never do anything. This is why I rarely believe narratives like this. The partner complaining never gives equal credit.

Lol, over the summer I did back breaking work repointing our brick home over multiple days and saved us thousands of dollars. Of course that never gets acknowledged.

OP- if my DH did even half of this list I’d be happy. He does house repairs which I have to admit I don’t really acknowledged as much as I think he wants me to mainly because they are a one and done type thing. Also the DIY I want him to do he never gets done (e.g no towel hook for 3 years and counting, yet to install the security system I bought 4 years ago). He doesn’t lift a finger after he comes back from work. I do all the cleaning and family admin either in the night when the kids are sleeping or I’m doing it whilst looking after them. I resent I get no me time at all. I resent that I’m not the best I can be at work nor striving to do better in my career because my home life is too taxing.

Tonight I come down from putting the kids to bed and now have to tackle the night time clean up. He sits there on his phone whilst I clear plates and sweep up around him. He doesn’t even feel any conscience to help out and is waiting till I finish cleaning to get some nookie ?!?! I tell him I’m not in the mood so he leaves sulking.

It seems petty to separate over cleaning and household chores. I’d hate for my kids to go through that. I keep telling myself that I can only change myself.. so ultimately that means I will have to dig deep to find the resolve to change my mindset on this and find better strategies to make things easier for me. I just hope that what’s left of my love for him doesn’t dissipate to nothing

NP. How would he respond if you asked him in the moment to come and help you? Especially if you have an external reason (e.g. "I have to go to bed earlier because I have an early meeting tomorrow"), or something is too heavy for you to lift?

I have done in this past, as i've need to work late in the night to meet deadlines and prepare for presentations. He get agitated and says he will do it in the morning. So in the morning its a huge disorganized mess - kids eating breakfast with old dinner plates still on the table, a big rush to get lunch boxes washed dried and lunches made. He's very adamant that if he's going to help it has to be done his way which also includes doing a half assed job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.


As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.

OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.

My wife will tell her girlfriends "He doesn't help out with chores!".

Yet this is literally a list of everything I do:

All car maintenance
All home repairs and maintenance
All hard maintenance
Take out the trash
Take care of all finances
Only one that cleans the fridge
Only one that actually *cleans* the bathrooms
Only one that regularly cleans the stop top and microwaves and counters
Vacuum 50% of the time
Cook 50% of the time
Do the dishes and with the washer 50% of the time.

My wife does laundry, cleans the surface of bathrooms, and cooks 50% of the time. Yet according to her I never do anything. This is why I rarely believe narratives like this. The partner complaining never gives equal credit.

Lol, over the summer I did back breaking work repointing our brick home over multiple days and saved us thousands of dollars. Of course that never gets acknowledged.

OP- if my DH did even half of this list I’d be happy. He does house repairs which I have to admit I don’t really acknowledged as much as I think he wants me to mainly because they are a one and done type thing. Also the DIY I want him to do he never gets done (e.g no towel hook for 3 years and counting, yet to install the security system I bought 4 years ago). He doesn’t lift a finger after he comes back from work. I do all the cleaning and family admin either in the night when the kids are sleeping or I’m doing it whilst looking after them. I resent I get no me time at all. I resent that I’m not the best I can be at work nor striving to do better in my career because my home life is too taxing.

Tonight I come down from putting the kids to bed and now have to tackle the night time clean up. He sits there on his phone whilst I clear plates and sweep up around him. He doesn’t even feel any conscience to help out and is waiting till I finish cleaning to get some nookie ?!?! I tell him I’m not in the mood so he leaves sulking.

It seems petty to separate over cleaning and household chores. I’d hate for my kids to go through that. I keep telling myself that I can only change myself.. so ultimately that means I will have to dig deep to find the resolve to change my mindset on this and find better strategies to make things easier for me. I just hope that what’s left of my love for him doesn’t dissipate to nothing

NP. How would he respond if you asked him in the moment to come and help you? Especially if you have an external reason (e.g. "I have to go to bed earlier because I have an early meeting tomorrow"), or something is too heavy for you to lift?

I have done in this past, as i've need to work late in the night to meet deadlines and prepare for presentations. He get agitated and says he will do it in the morning. So in the morning its a huge disorganized mess - kids eating breakfast with old dinner plates still on the table, a big rush to get lunch boxes washed dried and lunches made. He's very adamant that if he's going to help it has to be done his way which also includes doing a half assed job.

I'm the one you responded to. Yeah, it's hard to communicate that something needs to be done *right*, and at the right time and finished, or count as helpful. It won't happen without a fight, but the fight might be worth it? Maybe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chore chart. I'm 100% serious, we do it after going to marriage counseling over this.
We have set nights for who is doing dinner, dishes, bathtime and bedtime. Bathroom cleaning and vacuum on weekends, although maybe you can afford to hire a cleaner.

DIY and yard work are not daily tasks, they are on par with doctor visits and planning childcare/camp. Which I bet you handle.

But the "I earn more so I get more leisure time" is really gross and I would go to counseling over that mindset. You are a partner not an employee.

This is perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve read on dcum today. If you’re making this argument, I’m not going to take anything else you say serisouly.

Hah, found the guy who thinks mowing the lawn once a week in the summer means he doesn't have to do dishes or vacuum.

No, you found a working mom who handles 100% of all "emotional labor" like camps, doctors appointments etc and also handles 100% of the DIY stuff around the house, but pays $500 a month for yard service because I know it's a lot of work. A lot more than camp planning.

I mean obviously it depends on your yard and the expectations of your family and neighborhood in terms of upkeep. I personally do not have enough yard to justify either $500/mo OR someone working on it every single weekend for hours. My DH does the mowing and I do the weeding and collectively we probably spend 20 hours on it for the whole year.

If you live in a run of the mill suburban house with a small ish yard, you're spending more than 20 hours a year on yardwork. A lot more than 20 hours a year on yardwork. If you're not spending at least 1-2 hours every week on yardwork (mowing etc) then your yard likely looks like a beat up dump. WHich is fine - not everyone needs the fancy manicured lawn.

But for exactly the same reason, maybe it's okay to have a few dishes in the sink after dinner and deal with them in the morning. I mean, these are pretty analogous, no? It's just people's own preferences, all of which may be reasonable?

People always think their situation is "the norm."

No, actually most people do not spend 1-2 hours every week on yardwork. We don't do yardwork at all for about 5 months of the year, because we don't weed or mow the lawn in the winter. There are probably 3-4 months where the yard requires weekly maintenance of an hour or 2, the rest of the time it's more periodic and "as needed". Our yard looks perfectly nice. We live in a middle class neighborhood and I'd say our yard is one of the nicer ones on the block because we put some effort into the flower garden out front and also put in a nice retaining wall some years ago that really neatens everything up and addresses the main issue with our slightly sloped yard.

I think how much yard work you have depends a lot on the size of lots, how much grass, the climate, etc. A manicured lawn in southern California will take an enormous amount of effort, but the same size lawn in Minnesota will not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.


As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.

OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.

My wife will tell her girlfriends "He doesn't help out with chores!".

Yet this is literally a list of everything I do:

All car maintenance
All home repairs and maintenance
All hard maintenance
Take out the trash
Take care of all finances
Only one that cleans the fridge
Only one that actually *cleans* the bathrooms
Only one that regularly cleans the stop top and microwaves and counters
Vacuum 50% of the time
Cook 50% of the time
Do the dishes and with the washer 50% of the time.

My wife does laundry, cleans the surface of bathrooms, and cooks 50% of the time. Yet according to her I never do anything. This is why I rarely believe narratives like this. The partner complaining never gives equal credit.

Lol, over the summer I did back breaking work repointing our brick home over multiple days and saved us thousands of dollars. Of course that never gets acknowledged.

Who does the following:

Buy kid clothes and shoes
Respond to school emails
Sign up for camps
Deal with childcare (nanny, daycare, sitters, etc.)
Take children to appointments (dentist, doctor, etc.)
Plan vacations
Buy presents for birthdays/holidays
Deal with parents/in-laws
Handles hosting guests

I feel like my husband and I (who both work full-time) have a great split of things so I'm not an unhappy shrew or anything, I'm just curious about these things that you didn't include since your list was anything but exhaustive.

No kids
No school emails
No camps
No daycare
No kids appts
Vacations planned equally
I actually do most of the gift buying
I deal with inlaws and their cognitive decline
Equally deal with hosting guests

Lmao oh buddy