Messy husband, won’t clean

[Anonymous]

Divorce the loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, your feelings are founded. He doesn't get to rest at night while you work. Train him better.

Well said!

I was one of those women who dreamed about happy-ever-after. Slowly it dawned on me that my husband's idea of marriage was an assumption that marriage meant that I did all of the "women's work" while he did what he wanted. That included doing the manly chores, but he spent unlimited funds on his toys, such as power tools, fishing boats, and hunting gear. He went fishing and hunting with his friends on the weekends. I enjoyed cooking and having time for myself on the weekends. All went well enough, for a while.

As the years went on, he became busier at work and I took care of all the homemaking duties, including taking care of the kids and paying the bills. He would ask for an accurate account9ng of household funds at random times and questioned me if I went over his budget. He would pat me on my ass and tell me that I was doing a good job.

When he was home in the evenings, he wanted to relax after work while I cooked, cleaned, and helped with homework. The kids adored him. He was always the fun parent who watched TV with them. He didn't remind them to clean their rooms or do homework.

He frequently praised me in front of others and said that I was such a great wife and mother. He gave me gifts like expensive vacuum cleaners, bar-b-que grills, fish smokers, and sexy clothes. One time he patted my ass in front of our friends and the game was over.

I don't know why it took me so long to divorce him, but when it came time to talk about alimony, I told him that I didn't want a cent and would be happy to never have to depend on him, ever again, for anything. Thirty years later, we still see each other at family events that include children and grandchildren. He remarried and I'm happy to be free.

Your concerns are valid, and I hope that you gain some insight from my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chore chart. I'm 100% serious, we do it after going to marriage counseling over this.
We have set nights for who is doing dinner, dishes, bathtime and bedtime. Bathroom cleaning and vacuum on weekends, although maybe you can afford to hire a cleaner.

DIY and yard work are not daily tasks, they are on par with doctor visits and planning childcare/camp. Which I bet you handle.

But the "I earn more so I get more leisure time" is really gross and I would go to counseling over that mindset. You are a partner not an employee.

This is perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve read on dcum today. If you’re making this argument, I’m not going to take anything else you say serisouly.

Hah, found the guy who thinks mowing the lawn once a week in the summer means he doesn't have to do dishes or vacuum.

No, you found a working mom who handles 100% of all "emotional labor" like camps, doctors appointments etc and also handles 100% of the DIY stuff around the house, but pays $500 a month for yard service because I know it's a lot of work. A lot more than camp planning.

I mean obviously it depends on your yard and the expectations of your family and neighborhood in terms of upkeep. I personally do not have enough yard to justify either $500/mo OR someone working on it every single weekend for hours. My DH does the mowing and I do the weeding and collectively we probably spend 20 hours on it for the whole year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you were dating did he keep his home clean? That was something I paid attention to when I was dating - if I dropped by unexpectedly, how messy was their home?

His house was not messy, but his work truck was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chore chart. I'm 100% serious, we do it after going to marriage counseling over this.
We have set nights for who is doing dinner, dishes, bathtime and bedtime. Bathroom cleaning and vacuum on weekends, although maybe you can afford to hire a cleaner.

DIY and yard work are not daily tasks, they are on par with doctor visits and planning childcare/camp. Which I bet you handle.

But the "I earn more so I get more leisure time" is really gross and I would go to counseling over that mindset. You are a partner not an employee.

This is perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve read on dcum today. If you’re making this argument, I’m not going to take anything else you say serisouly.

Hah, found the guy who thinks mowing the lawn once a week in the summer means he doesn't have to do dishes or vacuum.

No, you found a working mom who handles 100% of all "emotional labor" like camps, doctors appointments etc and also handles 100% of the DIY stuff around the house, but pays $500 a month for yard service because I know it's a lot of work. A lot more than camp planning.

I mean obviously it depends on your yard and the expectations of your family and neighborhood in terms of upkeep. I personally do not have enough yard to justify either $500/mo OR someone working on it every single weekend for hours. My DH does the mowing and I do the weeding and collectively we probably spend 20 hours on it for the whole year.

If you live in a run of the mill suburban house with a small ish yard, you're spending more than 20 hours a year on yardwork. A lot more than 20 hours a year on yardwork. If you're not spending at least 1-2 hours every week on yardwork (mowing etc) then your yard likely looks like a beat up dump. WHich is fine - not everyone needs the fancy manicured lawn.

But for exactly the same reason, maybe it's okay to have a few dishes in the sink after dinner and deal with them in the morning. I mean, these are pretty analogous, no? It's just people's own preferences, all of which may be reasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this way sometimes too. DH will clean the kitchen but that's about it, and even with the kitchen he will just deal with the dishes -- he's never wiped down the stove top or scoured the sink cleaned out the fridge beyond tossing a few takeout containers.

Having a DH like this PLUS young kids can be hard even if you're not obsessive about cleaning because they (the DH) becomes like another child you must clean up after. Sometimes I feel like the maid. DH also has habits like eating food out of his hands while walking through the house (like he'll grab a handful of chips or crackers and then walk through the living room eating them out of his hand, getting crumbs everywhere). The kids see this and they do it too. Meanwhile I'm the only one who ever vacuums or dusts, so seeing this pisses me off.

I've dealt with this by being vocal about certain messes. Sometimes DH just makes a big mess and I just tell him "I will not clean this and it must be cleaned up now." Like once he dropped a full container of flour in the pantry while cooking and just left it there, and when I came up on it hours later, he said "yeah, I know it needs to get cleaned up but I was cooking and then I was tired." NO. I got out the cleaning supplied needed for that job and told him exactly how it need to be cleaned and that it could not be left any longer (some of the flour had fallen into the dog's food and water bowls, so we were dealing with wet flour congealing on the floor, it was ridiculous). He grumbled but did it. I think he appreciated me explaining how to clean it up because I think half the battle with him sometimes is that he doesn't know how to approach certain cleaning and no one has ever told him.

I will also just tell him he needs to clean a bathroom that he recently used or that he can't postpone certain cleaning activities because they get worse with time (he has done things like cleaned up a milk spill and then thrown the towel soaked with milk in the bottom of a hamper with a bunch of sweaty workout clothes, and left it for days for me to discover when I do the laundry, it is disgusting).

So basically I just make him clean when he does stuff that is so gross it makes me mad to clean it up. But I also complain about it enough that it guilts him into doing more other stuff and that's made it more equal. Like cutting the grass occasionally is not equal to doing ALL cleaning, but cutting the grass, cleaning out the cars and getting regular service on them, dealing with all the kids' summer camp stuff, doing runs to the dump or goodwill when I clean out a closet, etc., comes closer. I don't just accept that I'm the one who cleans and oh well. I make it clear that if I'm the one doing almost all cleaning, he better be picking up the slack elsewhere. After about 10 years, he mostly does.

OP- I can identify with your stories. I had to leave hubby with the baby for a week because I had to travel out of town as my dad needed emergency surgery. When I can back the baby room smelt foul because the baby was sick on the rug and he never cleaned it up. I do all the cleaning of cars and started to do the servicing too because he just doesn’t get it done and I’ve broken down a few times with the kids which I think could have been prevented from better car maintenance. Camps I do. Drs/dentist visits I do. Good will/ closet clean outs I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chore chart. I'm 100% serious, we do it after going to marriage counseling over this.
We have set nights for who is doing dinner, dishes, bathtime and bedtime. Bathroom cleaning and vacuum on weekends, although maybe you can afford to hire a cleaner.

DIY and yard work are not daily tasks, they are on par with doctor visits and planning childcare/camp. Which I bet you handle.

But the "I earn more so I get more leisure time" is really gross and I would go to counseling over that mindset. You are a partner not an employee.

OP- I like the idea of a chore chart, even if it’s just to list what we do in the house so he can see. At moment he doesn’t even think there is a problem and I’m just the one who is whining and negative all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce the loser.

+1

And meanwhile, stick him in a basement room like the untrainable house dog slob he is.

[Anonymous]

Hire a cleaner.

My DH doesn’t seem to notice dirt. The counters can be covered with crumbs. Dust bunnies blow around under the sofa and other furniture. The floors are dirty.

The carpet on the stairs is full of fuzz.

I’ve tried to stop doing anything. That didn’t help. I’ve pointed things out.

None of the mess phases him. I now suspect he has ADHD based on other observations.

[Anonymous]

Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.


As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so frustrated. My husband doesn’t help with any of the cleaning. He says the mess doesn’t bother him so if I want it clean then that’s on me. I’m not a clean freak, I just like things to be orderly and a clean sink at the end of the night. I have three kids under 6 and I can’t keep up with all the house chores to a level where I can feel sane in my own house. Hubby also takes a back seat for all kid related things. He does do all the DIY, yard work etc so he says it’s fair, but then why do I not get an evening without having to do house work after the kids are asleep and every night he gets to relax ?? He also says that he earns more than him so it is fair I do all the cleaning. Good to hear others thoughts/ experiences/ words of wisdom. Are my feelings founded? Needed to vent😮‍💨

Troll get your that earns more than him straight.

OP here, typo- *he earns more than me

Am I being dumb but I can’t understand why that should matter?

He thinks he bought out his time. However, unless he earns enough for you to have a cleaner and weeknight childcare assistance, and is producing zero household chores for other people in the form of mess/dishes/cooking/laundry, he has not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce the loser.

So she can have the same amount of work and less help and less money? Makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, your feelings are founded. He doesn't get to rest at night while you work. Train him better.

Well said!

I was one of those women who dreamed about happy-ever-after. Slowly it dawned on me that my husband's idea of marriage was an assumption that marriage meant that I did all of the "women's work" while he did what he wanted. That included doing the manly chores, but he spent unlimited funds on his toys, such as power tools, fishing boats, and hunting gear. He went fishing and hunting with his friends on the weekends. I enjoyed cooking and having time for myself on the weekends. All went well enough, for a while.

As the years went on, he became busier at work and I took care of all the homemaking duties, including taking care of the kids and paying the bills. He would ask for an accurate account9ng of household funds at random times and questioned me if I went over his budget. He would pat me on my ass and tell me that I was doing a good job.

When he was home in the evenings, he wanted to relax after work while I cooked, cleaned, and helped with homework. The kids adored him. He was always the fun parent who watched TV with them. He didn't remind them to clean their rooms or do homework.

He frequently praised me in front of others and said that I was such a great wife and mother. He gave me gifts like expensive vacuum cleaners, bar-b-que grills, fish smokers, and sexy clothes. One time he patted my ass in front of our friends and the game was over.

I don't know why it took me so long to divorce him, but when it came time to talk about alimony, I told him that I didn't want a cent and would be happy to never have to depend on him, ever again, for anything. Thirty years later, we still see each other at family events that include children and grandchildren. He remarried and I'm happy to be free.

Your concerns are valid, and I hope that you gain some insight from my experience.

OP- Thank you for sharing. Divorce has crossed my mind. Like you, I would not want a single cent from him. I’m able to be financially independent and have never viewed any of his wealth as mine. Sometimes I think if I was willing to accept some of his money then I wouldn’t feel so unjust in this relationship?

Do you feel that your children are closer to you now? Given that u took care of them more when they were younger ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.


As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.

OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.


As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.

OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.

My wife will tell her girlfriends "He doesn't help out with chores!".

Yet this is literally a list of everything I do:

All car maintenance
All home repairs and maintenance
All hard maintenance
Take out the trash
Take care of all finances
Only one that cleans the fridge
Only one that actually *cleans* the bathrooms
Only one that regularly cleans the stop top and microwaves and counters
Vacuum 50% of the time
Cook 50% of the time
Do the dishes and with the washer 50% of the time.

My wife does laundry, cleans the surface of bathrooms, and cooks 50% of the time. Yet according to her I never do anything. This is why I rarely believe narratives like this. The partner complaining never gives equal credit.

Lol, over the summer I did back breaking work repointing our brick home over multiple days and saved us thousands of dollars. Of course that never gets acknowledged.