XH leaving kids alone at night regularly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An 11 and 9 year old can be at home for a few hours. Also, those are not "night" time hours. It's evening just after dinner. Stop protecting your kids and let them grow and live.

They are inside the home. I assume they know. not to answer the phone or open the door. They are fine. Also, I'm betting there are cameras (or at least a Ring doorbell). So, what's the issue? Also, you DO NOT HAVE CONTROL over how your ex raises HIS KIDS. How would you like it if HE TOLD YOU how to raise your kids when they are with you? Leaving a couple of kids who are 11/9 for a few hours is not illegal or wrong parenting.

Think about that.

The 11 year old is uncomfortable being home alone at night. It doesn't matter if it's not illegal - he's being a bad parent. They should figure out something to make the kids comfortable.

My mom used to leave me and my brother home at this age because she had to work and I hated it and developed anxiety because of it. Eventually she ended leaving us at my grandparents house and I was so relieved. It isn't fair to leave kids home alone that don't want to be unsupervised or don't feel ready for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An 11 and 9 year old can be at home for a few hours. Also, those are not "night" time hours. It's evening just after dinner. Stop protecting your kids and let them grow and live.

They are inside the home. I assume they know. not to answer the phone or open the door. They are fine. Also, I'm betting there are cameras (or at least a Ring doorbell). So, what's the issue? Also, you DO NOT HAVE CONTROL over how your ex raises HIS KIDS. How would you like it if HE TOLD YOU how to raise your kids when they are with you? Leaving a couple of kids who are 11/9 for a few hours is not illegal or wrong parenting.

Think about that.

It’s past their bedtime and they are scared. Is the 11 yr old supposed to stay awake until he gets home so if she hears the door open she doesn’t have to worry it’s a stranger? There are these people called babysitters . . .

Why would you do something on purpose when your kids have told you they are uncomfortable with the arrangement? I’d have more sympathy if it was temporary or if he was earning money to take care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check your local laws, but you can always call for a welfare check with the police who can inform him of the laws. You don't want to file a custody motion and then call CPS. They'll investigate you too, so decide what path you are taking (personally I'd call CPS or the police first because it won't cost me 30K)

DC doesn't have a lower age limit to be home alone, and even in Maryland it's 8. CFSA isn't going to do anything if the kids aren't left overnight.

False. In Maryland leaving an 11 year old alone until 10pm in circumstances she feels uncomfortable in could consititute neglect. There’s a lot of discretion. https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/mcfrs-info/tips/parents/childcare.html

Sorry, what part of that statute talks about “feeling uncomfortable?” This may not be the best parenting but “best parenting” is not actually required under the law (and is subjective, anyway).

You fundamentally misunderstand. Just because there isn’t an express prohibition in the law doesn’t mean it’s OK. CPS could still get involved. And even if not CPS-worthy it reflects extremely badly on the dad and could result in his custody time getting reduced. If he’s voluntarily choosing to leave his young kids alone for basically the whole evening during his custody time, then he doesn’t really deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I admittedly know nothing about custody rules, but why is everyone talking about legal rules? Having the kids eat cookies and soda for dinner every night and stay up until 1 am watching R-rated movies probably isn't illegal either, but if an ex-spouse was raising them like that I'd be concerned. The kids aren't physically in danger, but that is way too young to be left alone for 4 hours twice a week.

Because people understand that parenting differently isn’t cause to get custody modified. If the ex were feeding cookies/soda and OP didn’t like it, custody would not be modified. Nor should it be - when would it stop? If my ex hates fast food, can he take me to court bc we do chikfila every Friday?

leaving a 9 and 11 year old home alone until 10pm on a school night so you can do your hobby is very different from cookies and soda. it quite literally shows that the dad is not interested in his parenting time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s not much you can do about it.

Yes there is. 9 and 11 are too young to be left unattended at night. OP can ask to add this to the custody agreement.

Have you ever re-negotiated a custody arrangement? It can take well over a year, and tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees. And by the time it's resolved, the reason you went to court isn't a real reason anymore.

OP, you can consult an attorney - but take EVERYTHING they say with a grain of salt, because changing a custody agreement against one parents will is very challenging, time consuming, and may not go the way you think.

I'd just ask him to hire a babysitter.

Not everything requires full-on lawyering up and going to court. She can send a letter and go to free mediation. That’s almost 1/4 of their week so I’d consider it worthwhile to pursue. Yes she can start out with a lower key approach like asking him to hire a babysitter or letting them stay with her those nights. His documented refusal will just make things look worse for him.

The first - That is ONLY if he agrees. Mediation requires BOTH parties to AGREE to something. My ex wasted time in mediation - time and money. Lots of time and money when he had no inclination to agree to anything.

The second bolded comment - requires filing a motion, and then getting to court (legal fee $$$$) AND having a sympathetic judge (because again, a mediator is NEUTRAL, they are trained not to take sides and will not use anything "against" the other parent). Sympathetic judges are few and far between - most are far more concerned with the 2yo's being left unsupervised than they are with an 11 and 9 year old putting themselves to bed twice a week.

Trying to change a custody agreement is expensive, time consuming, and doing it in a way that isn't expensive and time consuming requires a parent who gives a crap about what you think in the first place.

don’t disagree, but this scenario would be enough for me to get out the big guns, personally.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it but there is nothing to report. Ask him to hire a sitter or you come babysit or they come to your house for the few hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 11 I got my babysitting badge from Girl Scouts and was routinely watching little kids until 10/11pm at night.

Of course that was the 80s and kids were not so coddled then. It taught me responsibility and I went on to be a high achieving person.

Hopefully you can understand the difference between being babysat infrequently by an 11 year old, and being left with your 11 year old sister twice a week until 10pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s not much you can do about it.

Yes there is. 9 and 11 are too young to be left unattended at night. OP can ask to add this to the custody agreement.

That's not true under the law.

Depends on the jurisdiction whether it is neglect but it obviously reflects very badly on the dad’s willingness to parent. I would represent myself pro se to get custody adjusted.

The jurisdiction is DC, which OP stated quite clearly from the get go.

I recently re-did a custody agreement in DC. I would not do it again. They DGAF about kids well being. My ex, who is opposed to treatment for my mentally ill teenager (and would refuse medication adjustments when my child was being physically violent in my home) was going to get full joint legal and the ability to block medication adjustments. Instead, my teen lives with dad now, and dad has to deal with violence when meds need to be adjusted (I agree to med changes that make sense so it doesn't get that far now).

DC does NOT care about your children. They (and NY for that matter since I've had the pleasure of dealing with family court in both places) care far more about parental rights than they do about whether children "feel comfortable" with their parents decisions.

Be careful OP, because it could be twisted to make it look like YOU are making the children feel uncomfortable with the situation, and twisted to take away your time with the kids. The courts DO NOT CARE.

this sounds like a totally different situation.

[Anonymous]

I feel like offering to take the kids for those hours is a slippery slope. Those are HIS custody hours. HE needs to be responsible for them. Are you going to start being the baby sitter when he goes on dates too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s not much you can do about it.

Yes there is. 9 and 11 are too young to be left unattended at night. OP can ask to add this to the custody agreement.

That's not true under the law.

Depends on the jurisdiction whether it is neglect but it obviously reflects very badly on the dad’s willingness to parent. I would represent myself pro se to get custody adjusted.

The jurisdiction is DC, which OP stated quite clearly from the get go.

I recently re-did a custody agreement in DC. I would not do it again. They DGAF about kids well being. My ex, who is opposed to treatment for my mentally ill teenager (and would refuse medication adjustments when my child was being physically violent in my home) was going to get full joint legal and the ability to block medication adjustments. Instead, my teen lives with dad now, and dad has to deal with violence when meds need to be adjusted (I agree to med changes that make sense so it doesn't get that far now).

DC does NOT care about your children. They (and NY for that matter since I've had the pleasure of dealing with family court in both places) care far more about parental rights than they do about whether children "feel comfortable" with their parents decisions.

Be careful OP, because it could be twisted to make it look like YOU are making the children feel uncomfortable with the situation, and twisted to take away your time with the kids. The courts DO NOT CARE.

this sounds like a totally different situation.

It was - a much MORE serious situation than what OP is dealing with. A child with mental illness that only one parent (me) was willing to treat seriously. OPs ex doesn't sound any more agreeable, and he's not putting the children in danger (as long as they have a phone so they can call for help if needed), and the DC courts will absolutely not care.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with you but having been through DC Family Court I would not count on them not making the situation worse. Can you work on a routine with the kids that they can repeat there, bringing some sense of control and familiarity? Can they call you during that time, maybe you could read to them before bed, etc.? Having some structure and contact with you, plus a plan for common things that may come up may help them a lot and that is something you CAN control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I admittedly know nothing about custody rules, but why is everyone talking about legal rules? Having the kids eat cookies and soda for dinner every night and stay up until 1 am watching R-rated movies probably isn't illegal either, but if an ex-spouse was raising them like that I'd be concerned. The kids aren't physically in danger, but that is way too young to be left alone for 4 hours twice a week.

Because people understand that parenting differently isn’t cause to get custody modified. If the ex were feeding cookies/soda and OP didn’t like it, custody would not be modified. Nor should it be - when would it stop? If my ex hates fast food, can he take me to court bc we do chikfila every Friday?

leaving a 9 and 11 year old home alone until 10pm on a school night so you can do your hobby is very different from cookies and soda. it quite literally shows that the dad is not interested in his parenting time.

This. And he's not even concerned enough about the kids to hire a trusted sitter.

[Anonymous]

Look up the law in your state to see when kids are legally allowed to be left alone. Usually it is 10 or 12+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An 11 and 9 year old can be at home for a few hours. Also, those are not "night" time hours. It's evening just after dinner. Stop protecting your kids and let them grow and live.

They are inside the home. I assume they know. not to answer the phone or open the door. They are fine. Also, I'm betting there are cameras (or at least a Ring doorbell). So, what's the issue? Also, you DO NOT HAVE CONTROL over how your ex raises HIS KIDS. How would you like it if HE TOLD YOU how to raise your kids when they are with you? Leaving a couple of kids who are 11/9 for a few hours is not illegal or wrong parenting.

Think about that.

It’s past their bedtime and they are scared. Is the 11 yr old supposed to stay awake until he gets home so if she hears the door open she doesn’t have to worry it’s a stranger? There are these people called babysitters . . .

Why would you do something on purpose when your kids have told you they are uncomfortable with the arrangement? I’d have more sympathy if it was temporary or if he was earning money to take care of them.

DP. I don’t get it. Can’t they just go to bed before dad gets home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 11 I got my babysitting badge from Girl Scouts and was routinely watching little kids until 10/11pm at night.

Of course that was the 80s and kids were not so coddled then. It taught me responsibility and I went on to be a high achieving person.

Hopefully you can understand the difference between being babysat infrequently by an 11 year old, and being left with your 11 year old sister twice a week until 10pm.

DP but it seems like it would be more comfortable and less scary in the latter situation.