DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
Ha ha I’m actually very pleasant. I just get so tired of the DCUM black and white I hate my in-laws and want to see them suffer bandwagon. |
Anonymous
Sigh. No one is defending narcissists. You missed the point completely. |
Anonymous
I’m a different poster. While I’m not exactly defending narcissists, my dad is a deeply insecure man who solves for this by being super egocentric and making himself the hero of every store he tells. He is a pretty complicated guy and I don’t enjoy spending time with him at all. But he is perfectly ok with his grandkids for a few hours. I think there are all kinds of levels of “narcissism” and some narcissists can babysit grandkids. While I think the poster you responded to was way over the top, I do agree that DCUM lacks nuance — I’m sure I do too when posting on a board where you don’t have all the facts. |
Anonymous
|
I honestly cannot comprehend this degree of coldness toward the people who raised you. Like how bad do they have to be?
Maybe it would be worthwhile for you to reflect on a simple fact that your parents are only human, with various human flaws. This should not be in the way of you loving them or supporting the grandparent relationship. It’s not like you can go to a supermarket and buy another pair of perfect parents. They are what you got. I would work hard on accepting this. |
Anonymous
| Narcissism spectrum disorder. All mothers start at level six, as soon a child exists. |
Anonymous
|
I think it’s very possible that they are good grandparents to the kids but are now/were in the past, bad parents. My mom would say the same thing about my grandparents/her parents. It’s not so unusual.
It sounds like OP is going to have to do this trip alone, with or without the kids. I don’t think there’s any convincing the husband and even if she did, he’d be a poor travel companion and would likely pout and be upset the whole time. Better to do it alone even if logistically complicated. At least they can afford to stay in a hotel. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is the situation with my father, and it gets worse as he ages further. He’ll never see that people don’t enjoy these conversations. My mother is worse. Her narcissism is mostly around culture and religion. She’s also over-the-top anxious and has needed meds all her life but of course, everyone else has been the problem because they just won’t agree with her that the world is a dreadful place. She never accepted that most other people do not accept her fears, and that is where she’s often butted heads with my DH because he refuses to agree with her. They were never physically abusive nor alcoholics nor gamblers who left their kids in rags. They’re just very difficult, fearful, uncomfortable people who have made their own miserable beds. I had hoped that they would have retired well, renewed/refreshed their lives, and moved to a condo further south by the beach. They have plenty of money to do so. Instead, they’ve opted to stay in a house that’s too big for them. They’re sort of emotionally paralyzed watching their friends pass away or move away. I do on some level feel very sorry for them. But I get where DH is coming from. Walking into their house feels like walking into a tomb for the living. On some level, they’re in despair because life moved on without their blessing. They never got over us moving out of state, and I understand this has always been a big part if the problem. They’ve opted to spend their remaining years in a perpetual temper tantrum, perhaps. That said, yes, visiting is like going for a medical procedure. But they are kind to the kids and treat them well. No one is going out cigarettes out on their arms. I do think I will have to take a deep breath and travel out there with one or two of the kids. I can’t leave my sibling to handle it all as our parents age. My DH’s parents are healthy with family nearby, so this situation may never be his problem. I’ll go without him if need be and do what I need to do. |
Anonymous
|
My in-laws are toxic people. They love me and have always treated me well because they were so happy I married their daughter. I am well off with a strong family. But, they are toxic to the point where one of the other will call my wife cry and screaming because they are fighting.
My wife then is hysterical and has to drive over (1.5 hours) to their house and calm things down. It's sad when your KID has to come over and help you with your marriage. They are both in the mid to late 70s. Yet, they are very immature. I hate going there and do it 2-3 times a year just to be nice and because I want them to see their grandkid. I cannot wait for them to pass. Hate to say it, but they have been nothing but a negative impact on my family. |
Anonymous
| In my experience, parents who are OK / good grandparents and so get a pass do so because it's actually easy to be agreeable when the grandchildren are babies / young toddlers. But when their grandchildren get older and become fully functional humans themselves with their own thoughts and ideas the relationship strains again and the cycle repeats. |
Anonymous
|
Your DH has a right not to set foot in your parents' house. If you really want him to go with you, either stay at your sister's place or a hotel (even if it's 20 minutes away).
The mere idea of asking him to stay in your parents' house, even if only for 2-3 nights, is extremely unpalatable that I don't blame your DH for balking at it. |
Anonymous
I would suggest once a year, take kids with you so your parents get to see them while DH can relax at home or take a trip somewhere else. Once a year, leave kids home with him and you go and spend some peaceful time with your parents and actually focus on them and help with their problems. I don't see any point in pressuring DH or making your relationship sour. |
Anonymous
|
Anonymous
Ah, the old 'I feel it's my obligation so it must be your obligation, too' and "since I do it, others can do it" argument. 
|
Anonymous
|
You state that: 1. You've always found your parents difficult, 2. Your DH dislikes them, and 3. It's a difficult trip to visit them.
Why do you want your children around difficult, unlikable people? Why do you want to be around them? Why try to force DH to see them and damage your marriage? I think you should seriously consider therapy to sort this out. It sounds like you're determined to sacrifice your DH/marriage and kids to difficult people that you don't especially like. Why? Your kids won't change who they are and they won't magically become different people for your kids. Even though you understand why they are the way they are, that doesn't erase their behavior. Why do this? |
Anonymous
You said in your OP that your DH has had some 'awful spats' with your parents. If they're because of what you wrote above, I can see why your DH finds them intolerable. Normal people recognize when they're in conflict territory with others and move conversations in a different direction to avoid conflict. Insisting that someone agree with you or expecting the to listen to stories where you're always the hero because of your insecurities would be tough to endure. I suspect, as others have pointed out, that it's a lot worse than what you are describing. I wouldn't want to spend time with your parents either. Rather than accommodating their anxiety, insecurities and boorish behaviors, you should have established boundaries like your DH has. |