DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me

[Anonymous]

Since we started dating, DH has always had a problem with my parents. FWIW, I've always had a problem with them, too. They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity. I do understand why they are who they are and it's not worth completely cutting them off. They've always needed therapy and they will go to their graves without seeking it. I accept that.

That said, at this stage of my life, I know they enjoy being grandparents and I can tolerate them in small doses and manage short visits, let's say 3-4 days staying at a hotel (they live a plane ride away). We have not visited them in three years because our kids are small, have been hard to travel with and DH loathes visiting my hometown, and did I mention he has a problem with them? I get it, he doesn't like them, he's even had awful spats with them. If they dropped dead tomorrow he wouldn't shed a single tear. Alas, they're getting very old and I'd like to visit a few times over the next year or two to bring the kids by, let them see where i grew up, collect some of my belongings at their house, and see an old neighbor or two still there I've always liked. I am not suggesting we crash there for a week or more and blow our vacation time there. Again, I'm saying 3-4 days at most. That's all we can handle and it will spare us long visits from them. I know it wouldn't be so bad and DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.

Unfortunately, he's not supporting me on this. I'd really like him to come with me and make the best of it as I've done for him with his family (they're nowhere near as confrontational and socially awkward as mine).

Am I in the wrong to want him to come on a few trips with me and the kids (and help manage them) before my parenst end up in a nursing home or die? We can afford 1-2 trips per year for the next few years, so money is not an issue.

[Anonymous]

Not worth to bring him along. Go alone with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity.



DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.

I can not reconcile these two things. Like it's bizarre you would consider leaving your kids with someone you describe that way, that they don't even know.

I would just take your children by yourself, but only if you don't plan to leave them with your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not worth to bring him along. Go alone with kids.

I agree. Although I do think it’s cold of him to not be willing to tolerate them for short periods for your sake. (Assuming they haven’t said anything to him beyond the pale that could warrant cutting them off)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity.



DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.

I can not reconcile these two things. Like it's bizarre you would consider leaving your kids with someone you describe that way, that they don't even know.

I would just take your children by yourself, but only if you don't plan to leave them with your parents.

+1. Also, I had a terrible spat with my MIL and stopped visiting until she apologized to me. Have your parents apologized to DH?

[Anonymous]

Um. You don’t even want to be there. Why don’t you be honest with him and ask for help dealing with them and say you don’t want to be there by yourself. Set a code word or sign language gesture for let’s leave now. And stick to it, don’t brush it off if you start enjoying yourself a bit. 4 days is a long time. I consider small does to be 1.5 hours or less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not worth to bring him along. Go alone with kids.

I agree. Although I do think it’s cold of him to not be willing to tolerate them for short periods for your sake. (Assuming they haven’t said anything to him beyond the pale that could warrant cutting them off)

I agree too and have a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity.



DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.

OP here- I would gladly do this if they were a little older and there was more to do in my hometown. There isn’t even a hotel close by. I don’t even want to stay there. I know my own limits.

Regarding letting the kids stay with them, I’d only do so if my sister who lives nearby and stays with them sometimes where there bc she’s reasonable and understands the situation and is good with the kids.




I can not reconcile these two things. Like it's bizarre you would consider leaving your kids with someone you describe that way, that they don't even know.

I would just take your children by yourself, but only if you don't plan to leave them with your parents.

[Anonymous]

Same situation but in my case my parents are not harmful to kids (yours, by your description, are). And the “spat” with my husband was about something truly egregious my mother chose to say to him, so I totally understand why he doesn’t want to go. I go myself. You should too, vs guilting him into something he won’t enjoy.

[Anonymous]

If your parents are unpleasant, anxious and narcissistic, please don’t leave your children with them. Just go for a visit on your own if you want to maintain the relationship. Why expose your children to toxic grandparents?

[Anonymous]

Team Husband

[Anonymous]

One reason I’d like him to come is to support logistics and help with the kids. We have three and I could use help on the plane because one is SN. Also, the drive to the airport is dreadful— long with lots of traffic. Even if they were nicer people and the visits were joyful, visiting them is an ordeal (constant airport delays, traffic, bad weather) and there’s no hotel within 20 mins. And if we stay the beds are 25 years old and uncomfortable. Remember that Seinfeld episode where they visit Jerry’s parents at their condo (Stella!), but worse?

Still, I’d like to even work it into another trip, like we go and visit them for 2 days then jump on a plane to another place like London or the Caribbean. But he won’t even agree to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here- I would gladly do this if they were a little older and there was more to do in my hometown. There isn’t even a hotel close by. I don’t even want to stay there. I know my own limits.

The quoting in a post above got messed up, but I believe this is OP's response to a suggestion that she leave DH at home and take the kids by herself. If so, I don't understand this answer. How would have DH along make this situation better? If there are no hotels, where would you and DH stay if not with your parents? If you are instead thinking you would just drop the kids off and you and DH would go on a getaway, what will your parents do in your hometown where there is nothing to do... with children they barely know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here- I would gladly do this if they were a little older and there was more to do in my hometown. There isn’t even a hotel close by. I don’t even want to stay there. I know my own limits.

The quoting in a post above got messed up, but I believe this is OP's response to a suggestion that she leave DH at home and take the kids by herself. If so, I don't understand this answer. How would have DH along make this situation better? If there are no hotels, where would you and DH stay if not with your parents? If you are instead thinking you would just drop the kids off and you and DH would go on a getaway, what will your parents do in your hometown where there is nothing to do... with children they barely know?

OP here. That’s why we’d keep it short. If we went in good weather they could take them out for the day, play games, go out to eat. As I noted above, I have a sibling would could chaperone the visit. She would help. I would not leave the kids alone with them without her.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to know how to view this. On it's face, I think your DH should do this for you-- they are your parents. OTOH, their past behavior and treatment of you/your DH/your kids really matter. I can imagine scenarios where I would totally team DH on this.

So. It sounds like you and DH are at an impasse, and traveling alone with 3 kids, one with SNs isn't really doable. You said you wanted to make 3 trips. What about you visiting with one or two kids at time?