Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)

[Anonymous]

Men seriously need therapy, counseling, coaching you name it before dating or getting married etc. I will make sure that my son knows about boundaries and indecent behaviors. When I started dating my now wife she was very annoying with me because I always asked her if anything I planned to do was okay, if anything I said was appropriate etc. I was just trying to protect myself and her as well. Many of us men don’t realize that the dynamics today are very different. I have saying that we are walking on eggshells when it comes to women, but in a way we are and for good reasons. Most men know that No means No even when it’s with your wife. But there are men out there who think it’s ok day because they shouldn’t be any boundaries with your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was raped and otherwise sexually abused by my husband when awake and when in my sleep.

The police pressed charges. Write down what happened, no need to justify why you didn't want to.

My ex was deeply disturbed in many ways. The trauma of this all did a real number on me. But I've been divorced 7 years and the courts did not allow him any contact with the kids.

A sexual assault center therapist might be a good choice.

I want to add that mine also said he "didn't remember" and when I would wake up in terror he would roll over and pretend to be asleep. Sleep assaulting? Not joking. I wanted to believe him because that was easier.

He showed remorse, he quit drinking, we separated awhile, he did it again.

His past was deeply disturbed and it was definitely not the first time he raped someone he was in a relationship with. Hearing about his past traumatized me.

The sexual assault therapists taught me "is he taking responsibility for what he did."

Sometimes he did for a month. But never truly. He always resented me. When he went to a therapist he thought she wanted to have sex with him. He thought him going to a therapist was enough and would instantly mean I would want to have sex with him. He could never understand the depth of hurt his choices caused me.

[Anonymous]

There are more and more studies coming out against drinking. I don't get why people don't pay attention. From rape to DUI to physical violence, it is a huge factor in ALL.

OP you did NOTHING wrong. NO ONE is responsible for someone becoming a rapist because they weren't getting sex from a women who is in postpartum and nursing and taking care of infant and two other kids. Both need to go see a couple's counselor to sort things out. What sort of a person he is otherwise?

[Anonymous]

Stop drinking folks.

[Anonymous]

I am so incredibly this happened to you. This was not coercion. This was rape. I'm sorry if thats difficult to hear, but I don't want you to downplay it in an effort to make it easier to accept. Anything and everything you are feeling right now is valid. I suggest reaching out to a therapist to process this. I'm very sorry.

[Anonymous]

How’s your relationship with your DH otherwise, OP? I know you said that since baby three you haven’t been intimate much… but honestly that’s normal. How about in other areas? Is he a good and loving and supportive spouse generally?

Yes this is marital rape. And the quantity of alcohol certainly seems to have played a big role.

But the people saying to blow it all up and call the police? I don’t know. If he’s a good husband and dad and all- why don’t you just sit down and tell him how you feel? Tell him you’re pissed and that it felt like rape and you feel awful and you two need to go to therapy to fix things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop drinking folks.

More American women are drinking as much as men. In fact if you see some of the beer commercials it is clear that they are the new targets of the Alcoholic beverage industry. So for their own healths women should definitely ease on the drinking.

I have an alcoholic wife. The problem with people who drink too much is that other aspects of their lives suffer as well. I am now the full time parent, cook and cleaner in the house. Alcohol has taken over DW’s life so much that she is neglecting her self care. She is not showering everyday, she smells, her breath stinks, she is always screaming at everyone in the house. My goal is to get her to sober up first, get her life in order and then I will file for divorce. She started drinking socially once a month, then once every two weeks, then weekly, then several times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You gave birth two months ago! Please post your address- I will come over and kick your husband in the balls. Then I will watch your kids while you shower and take a nap. Your husband is a piece of trash.

Can we be friends?

My thoughts exactly

OP I very sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should take the baby and go stay with a friend or relative or in a hotel for tonight or however long you want.

Call a locksmith and have them install a lock on your bedroom and a bathroom you can use. Make your husband sleep on the couch if there is no guest room. Throw out all alcohol in the house.

Talk to a therapist. I would consider divorce.

And yes that was rape.

Yes, do all this which is 100% illegal. Clearly, you have never read marriage laws in this area. As someone who contemplated divorce for four years and had an attorney on retainer I can tell you what you just posted isn't allowed - legally.

You know what else is illegal?

Rape.

Which is what happened here.

Things that are not illegal: making improvements to the home you own, such as adding locks to areas that need to be secure for safety reasons, disposing of alcohol, staying in a hotel with your children.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so very sorry that this happened to you. As others have said, it is rape. With a 2 month old and two other kids, you’re most likely trying to just get through each day right now. I know it’s hard, but this is a crucial moment where you need to put yourself first. Listen to your body and your feelings - they are telling you this was 100% wrong. Please reach out to a hotline and find someone to talk to about this. Talking about it and dealing with your feelings on this are priority #1.

I’m a survivor of domestic abuse. Someone who does this is an abuser. Abusers often wait to ramp things up until after you’ve had multiple kids (because you’re more trapped then). He showed you who he is and it’s important that you believe him. He’s not going to change.

Remember, your first priority is taking care of yourself. Sending you lots of strength and love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How’s your relationship with your DH otherwise, OP? I know you said that since baby three you haven’t been intimate much… but honestly that’s normal. How about in other areas? Is he a good and loving and supportive spouse generally?

Yes this is marital rape. And the quantity of alcohol certainly seems to have played a big role.

But the people saying to blow it all up and call the police? I don’t know. If he’s a good husband and dad and all- why don’t you just sit down and tell him how you feel? Tell him you’re pissed and that it felt like rape and you feel awful and you two need to go to therapy to fix things.

Good husbands don’t rape their wives.

[Anonymous]

OP, first, I’m so, so sorry.

If no one else has mentioned this (I’ve not read the whole thread), he could very well have been in alcohol-induced blackout. That’s not uncommon when people drink a lot in a very short amount of time. If the case, he genuinely doesn’t remember what happened. That does NOT make it acceptable behavior.

I agree with others that counseling is indicated here. Sending you all the very best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and it was the beginning of the end. I could not trust my husband or feel safe with him anymore. Which means I could not willingly have sex with him, which led to this cycle of anger and coercive sex where I would endure just to make him less angry.

I never told anyone, and when I finally left, he demanded (and got) 50/50. He’s now living with a woman who left an abusive marriage and has young children—they are parading around as the happy blended family. I worry about that dynamic and its impact on my kids all the time.

The people saying to just leave have no idea if OP even works and your outcome is the likely one, PP. I am sorry you experienced this too. And someone who would assault his wife may not be a great parent, so there may be safety concerns. I stayed for years until my kids got older. The system often does not protect, even when ex DH left a toddler and preschooler alone and neighbors called CPS, got 50/50. Men like this tend to be family court nightmares if they have the financial means. They like to show that they are not contained by rules or norms. There are no really good answers for you, I am so sorry you were assaulted and now are in this situation, OP. If he was genuinely remorseful, could be a chance, but he does not seem to be.

[Anonymous]

The reality is that OP has 3 kids, one a newborn. They may be largely or completely dependent on DH's income. Those who say don't care at all about his reputation are black and white thinkers and shockingly naive about how life works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How’s your relationship with your DH otherwise, OP? I know you said that since baby three you haven’t been intimate much… but honestly that’s normal. How about in other areas? Is he a good and loving and supportive spouse generally?

Yes this is marital rape. And the quantity of alcohol certainly seems to have played a big role.

But the people saying to blow it all up and call the police? I don’t know. If he’s a good husband and dad and all- why don’t you just sit down and tell him how you feel? Tell him you’re pissed and that it felt like rape and you feel awful and you two need to go to therapy to fix things.

Rapists aren't good husbands.

OP, please go to the ER, make sure you talk to a nurse trained in sexual assault, get a rape kit done, and decide what to do from there.