How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man - that thing where the husband feels bad about sex decreasing and wants to know why; the wife responds by feeling pressured and having sex she doesn't want to, leading to even less and worse sex. *That's* the danger of talking about sex. Communication is not always the key. In that scenario, if DH had just waited it out, the couple's sex life probably would have been better than it was as a result of his effort to talk about it.

Yeah, probably, primarily because his communication about it was very bad. He was demanding, confrontational, and totally lacking in empathy. At that time he generally seemed disappointed and irritated with me. If, in our marriage, I generally felt loved and like he cared about how I was feeling and the struggles I was going through, communication about sex probably would have been helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?

Marry someone who enjoys having one-nighy stands with poor people. If you marry an asexual who uses sex transactionally to land a paycheck and father, it's a lost cause.

TBH, though you are being rude, this is definitely part of it for DH and me. We've been married 15 years, so not the "decades" other people are describing. We have sex pretty much every day, pretty equal initiation between me/him. I'm 43 and he's 49. We have 2 kids. There were times when we were not having sex every day. There were times when we were not even having sex every week. Neither one of us freaked out during those times. We didn't see it as a red flag in our relationship. We have never had a dry spell due to a problem in the relationship making one of us less interested in sex. It's not a tool or a transaction or a reward or a bribe.

It’s much more often that men view sex as a tool or transaction in that they feel entitled to the amount & type of sex that they want, as opposed to recognizing that their partner is an autonomous being with a sex drive that is not good or bad. IMO the root of a lot of sexless marriages is men who start to pressure and show disdain for their wive’s perfectly healthy sex drives, eg, demanding that sex be 3x/week instead of 1x/week. And of course for most women, a bad relationship also spells the end of sex, even if they have substantial libido. So basically a man who wants a long-term sexual relationship really needs to work on prioritizing his wife’s preferences and gaining maturity to understand that sex can still be good even if it’s not exactly what he wants.

On the female side, I do think a lot of women even today are strongly acculturated into deferring to the male sex drive and preferences, instead of being assertive about what they want. There is a LOT of shame about getting what you want, about being defective because you don’t come like a p*rn star, etc. So women need to really own what they like INCLUDING if it’s “hey, duty sex doesn’t work for me - let’s have great sex once a week and then in between we can take care of you.”

Wow this is so my relationship. We aren't sexless, but we don't have a lot of sex. Sex used to be fun and I used to initiate a lot, but I went through a time where I was really depressed and our frequency went down to once a week. My husband demanded to know why and told me that our lower frequency made him feel bad. Instead of doing the emotionally healthy thing and just saying "hey, I love you, and once a week is where I'm at" I tried everything under the sun to get myself in the mood and even sort of forced myself to have sex with him when I really, really didn't want to. Between that and him acting pouty when I wasn't in the mood, I felt used. I felt like if my own feelings and desires were so unimportant to him, and he wasn't otherwise trying to get close to me, he was basically using my body for his own desires. (Also during this time he was just being kind of a jerk to me)

My sex drive sort of naturally bounced back when I overcame my depression and our marriage is in a better place, but I never felt the same way about intimacy with my husband. It is just not this fun, light thing anymore. I do want more sex but there is too much baggage in my relationship for it to be frequent. Now I think my husband would be thrilled with once a week.

I think this is the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, which I only really know about from reading on here. I have plenty of baggage in my marriage, including about sex, but I sure as hell won’t stop wanting and enjoying sex over it. It’s not really about my husband- it’s about my own pleasure and why should I stop enjoying it because he did xyz. I have plenty of other ways to feel and express my frustration.

And maybe from the husband’s perspective, pp, he’s not “using” you for sex. Sex is how he feels and expresses love and pleasure. He could easily watch porn and take care of himself but he wants you, he wants to feel your body and feel close to you. It’s a much more innate need for him than for you. My husband also perceives that I am whiny and pouty when he doesn’t want sex for awhile. Yes, I am pouting, because I want to feel close to him and feel pleasure with him rather than taking care of myself and I know that he can go a very very long time without being with me. I could very easily just take care of myself but I want to be with my partner. That’s just my perspective as a woman with the higher libido.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man - that thing where the husband feels bad about sex decreasing and wants to know why; the wife responds by feeling pressured and having sex she doesn't want to, leading to even less and worse sex. *That's* the danger of talking about sex. Communication is not always the key. In that scenario, if DH had just waited it out, the couple's sex life probably would have been better than it was as a result of his effort to talk about it.

Yeah, probably, primarily because his communication about it was very bad. He was demanding, confrontational, and totally lacking in empathy. At that time he generally seemed disappointed and irritated with me. If, in our marriage, I generally felt loved and like he cared about how I was feeling and the struggles I was going through, communication about sex probably would have been helpful.

Good point. But people who say that couples need to talk about sex often don't put in the caveat that such communication needs to be navigated in a very precise way or else it will do more harm than good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 38 years and we still maintain an active sex life although it’s down to once a week, sometimes twice. On a daily basis there is always some affection. We never fight, rarely argue and when we disagree we find a reasonable way to resolve it. We are both pretty independent and low maintenance. We raised three successful kids and we were always aligned on parenting. We both had successful careers and my husband was very supportive of the crazy path I took. While we are independent we do rely on each other for advice and help. In a nutshell we are great friends and sex is still a part of that friendship and the sex has always been good enough that we both initiate.

Did you do HRT or just get lucky?

PP - HRT and lube and my husband knows not to linger too long and I usually lend a helping hand. What’s most important is that the desire is still there and there are ways to work around any physical issues.

[Anonymous]

My parents have been married 45 years and they still have sex. My mom and I often take long walks and things come up! They’ve always had a very loving, fun relationship and they are in very good health and pretty fit. Their relationship has always seemed to be a very happy one and they are a good role model for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?

Marry someone who enjoys having one-nighy stands with poor people. If you marry an asexual who uses sex transactionally to land a paycheck and father, it's a lost cause.

TBH, though you are being rude, this is definitely part of it for DH and me. We've been married 15 years, so not the "decades" other people are describing. We have sex pretty much every day, pretty equal initiation between me/him. I'm 43 and he's 49. We have 2 kids. There were times when we were not having sex every day. There were times when we were not even having sex every week. Neither one of us freaked out during those times. We didn't see it as a red flag in our relationship. We have never had a dry spell due to a problem in the relationship making one of us less interested in sex. It's not a tool or a transaction or a reward or a bribe.

On the female side, I do think a lot of women even today are strongly acculturated into deferring to the male sex drive and preferences, instead of being assertive about what they want. There is a LOT of shame about getting what you want, about being defective because you don’t come like a p*rn star, etc. So women need to really own what they like INCLUDING if it’s “hey, duty sex doesn’t work for me - let’s have great sex once a week and then in between we can take care of you.”

Definitely true, women should be clear. But I’ve seen a lot of threads on this topic on DCUM and there are plenty where the message (explicit or implicit) isn’t that last sentence but something more like “hey, duty sex doesn’t work for me - let’s have sex maybe once a month, maybe less, and then in between you just need to wait.” In those threads there’s always a lot of disagreement about communications. Some defend the sex denier, some defend the sex demander. Men and women should absolutely speak their own minds but need to be prepared to accept the consequences of taking an unworkable position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? What would’ve helped us most is if DH never got fat.

+1

[Anonymous]

36 years and counting! While our frequency is down from our earlier years what we do is far more adventurous and definitely proves that monogamy isn’t always boring after many years. You just need a partner who is playful and non judgmental when your idea is a little out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure she O’s every.single.time. If you are not sure, ask.

My DH gets so lazy about this and I basically have to tell him, “Do you like to O every time?” Yeah, me too. He’ll be good for a few weeks or months and then “forget” again.

How is this on him? He can O if you let him, without needing you to make it happen. All you need to do is tell him and make him wait while you O first.

Of course it’s on him! He has to do things other than PIV long enough for it to happen. If he skips it or rushes it, it doesn’t happen. If I have to do it myself, what do I need him for?

[Anonymous]

My advice would be:

- avoid building resentment as best you can. Resentment can kill your interest in each other.

- both of you should stay fit. We can’t help getting older but you can still be the best version of yourself at every age. Fitness, makes you more confident in yourself and your partner’s fitness will help make you more attracted to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?

How old are you, op? At some point sex just isn't as important..gasp!

This is why civilized cultures accept affairs.

So does animals.

[Anonymous]

Well, not all animals, just civilized ones.

[Anonymous]

Viagra and silicone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

- avoid building resentment as best you can. Resentment can kill your interest in each other.

This is the number one reason among Indians. In-law issues fill up spouses with life long resentment which never lets them fully connect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Viagra and silicone.

Lol. This definitely helps!