Reply to How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night? [/quote]

[b]Marry someone who enjoys having one-nighy stands with poor people.[/b] If you marry an asexual who uses sex transactionally to land a paycheck and father, it's a lost cause. [/quote]

TBH, though you are being rude, this is definitely part of it for DH and me. We've been married 15 years, so not the "decades" other people are describing. We have sex pretty much every day, pretty equal initiation between me/him. I'm 43 and he's 49. We have 2 kids. There were times when we were not having sex every day. There were times when we were not even having sex every week. Neither one of us freaked out during those times. We didn't see it as a red flag in our relationship. We have never had a dry spell due to a problem in the relationship making one of us less interested in sex. It's not a tool or a transaction or a reward or a bribe. [/quote]

On the female side, I do think a lot of women even today are strongly acculturated into deferring to the male sex drive and preferences, instead of being assertive about what they want. There is a LOT of shame about getting what you want, about being defective because you don’t come like a p*rn star, etc. So women need to really own what they like INCLUDING if it’s “hey, duty sex doesn’t work for me - let’s have great sex once a week and then in between we can take care of you.” [/quote]

Definitely true, women should be clear. But I’ve seen a lot of threads on this topic on DCUM and there are plenty where the message (explicit or implicit) isn’t that last sentence but something more like “hey, duty sex doesn’t work for me - let’s have sex maybe once a month, maybe less, and then in between you just need to wait.”  In those threads there’s always a lot of disagreement about communications. Some defend the sex denier, some defend the sex demander. Men and women should absolutely speak their own minds but need to be prepared to accept the consequences of taking an unworkable position. [/quote]

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