How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?

[Anonymous]

Spend time laughing together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?

How old are you, op? At some point sex just isn't as important..gasp!

So, this is Exhibit 1 of the problem. For some people at some point sex just isn’t as important. But it’s not so for others, so from the beginning be brutally honest with each other about your sexual needs and don’t assume that your way is the only way.

As sad as it sounds, sex can be a deal breaker for some couples, and there can be irreconcilable differences.

[Anonymous]

I'm long divorced now but back when I was married to someone several years older than me, I was the one denied sex. I am a woman. It was incredibly painful to be rejected by him and I would urge anybody who is denying sex to their spouse to reconsider their actions. I also don't buy the "shredded vagina tissue" argument. There are plenty of sex positions you can offer as a woman that don't involve your vagina, and all of that counts as sex, especially if it allows him to come.

[Anonymous]

We are at 31 years and we just make sure each of us gets what we want and that can be different on any given day so our initial foreplay conversation is always interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?

How old are you, op? At some point sex just isn't as important..gasp!

So, this is Exhibit 1 of the problem. For some people at some point sex just isn’t as important. But it’s not so for others, so from the beginning be brutally honest with each other about your sexual needs and don’t assume that your way is the only way.

As sad as it sounds, sex can be a deal breaker for some couples, and there can be irreconcilable differences.

Problem is that desire can and will change over time so even if you are “brutally honest” in the beginning, there’s no guarantee things won’t change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?

How old are you, op? At some point sex just isn't as important..gasp!

This is why civilized cultures accept affairs.

So does animals.

Can you really not match your verb to your subject?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?

How old are you, op? At some point sex just isn't as important..gasp!

So, this is Exhibit 1 of the problem. For some people at some point sex just isn’t as important. But it’s not so for others, so from the beginning be brutally honest with each other about your sexual needs and don’t assume that your way is the only way.

As sad as it sounds, sex can be a deal breaker for some couples, and there can be irreconcilable differences.

Problem is that desire can and will change over time so even if you are “brutally honest” in the beginning, there’s no guarantee things won’t change.

Things change, but if you can’t get it up unless she has a BMI of 20 or less or you think that annual sex is a perfectly acceptable outcome when the marriage is more than 5 years old, don’t withhold that info from the other person.

[Anonymous]

"How old are you, op? At some point sex just isn't as important..gasp!"

I'm OP and I'm a divorced woman in my late 50s. My partner lives over an hour away, so we are only able to have sex during the 3X/week we see one another. I have zero issues with dryness or pain and can't even imagine sex not being important.

[Anonymous]

"Things change, but if you can’t get it up unless she has a BMI of 20 or less or you think that annual sex is a perfectly acceptable outcome when the marriage is more than 5 years old, don’t withhold that info from the other person."

I'm OP and give this +100! I wish I'd had that conversation with my spouse before I married him. Don't marry anybody who believes it's acceptable to have a sexless marriage unless you're okay with it. Both people should be honest about what they're committing to for life. It never occurred to me to ask this question when we were dating because it didn't even seem like a possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?

How old are you, op? At some point sex just isn't as important..gasp!

So, this is Exhibit 1 of the problem. For some people at some point sex just isn’t as important. But it’s not so for others, so from the beginning be brutally honest with each other about your sexual needs and don’t assume that your way is the only way.

As sad as it sounds, sex can be a deal breaker for some couples, and there can be irreconcilable differences.

Problem is that desire can and will change over time so even if you are “brutally honest” in the beginning, there’s no guarantee things won’t change.

Things change, but if you can’t get it up unless she has a BMI of 20 or less or you think that annual sex is a perfectly acceptable outcome when the marriage is more than 5 years old, don’t withhold that info from the other person.

NP - but these are both extreme scenarios you’re presenting, as is someone who *must* have sex daily or else. Some people are at the extreme ends, but most, by definition, are not. And that’s where the difficulty in predicting comes in.

I think if sex is the only way you can emotionally connect with your partner, married or no, that’s a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?

How old are you, op? At some point sex just isn't as important..gasp!

So, this is Exhibit 1 of the problem. For some people at some point sex just isn’t as important. But it’s not so for others, so from the beginning be brutally honest with each other about your sexual needs and don’t assume that your way is the only way.

As sad as it sounds, sex can be a deal breaker for some couples, and there can be irreconcilable differences.

actually you’re exhibit 1. sex is a biological function and like everything else, it can be impacted by aging and health. the idea of immutable “sexual needs” is one way couples end up at odds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm long divorced now but back when I was married to someone several years older than me, I was the one denied sex. I am a woman. It was incredibly painful to be rejected by him and I would urge anybody who is denying sex to their spouse to reconsider their actions. I also don't buy the "shredded vagina tissue" argument. There are plenty of sex positions you can offer as a woman that don't involve your vagina, and all of that counts as sex, especially if it allows him to come.

People don’t “deny sex” like they are denying you a cookie. You’re completely missing the point. Also to the extent you’re pressuring women into *nal, gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Things change, but if you can’t get it up unless she has a BMI of 20 or less or you think that annual sex is a perfectly acceptable outcome when the marriage is more than 5 years old, don’t withhold that info from the other person."

I'm OP and give this +100! I wish I'd had that conversation with my spouse before I married him. Don't marry anybody who believes it's acceptable to have a sexless marriage unless you're okay with it. Both people should be honest about what they're committing to for life. It never occurred to me to ask this question when we were dating because it didn't even seem like a possibility.

This is just sour grapes and classic revisionist history. I highly doubt any young couple believes their marriage will be sexless, so asking upfront is pretty much pointless. Furthermore, what's to prevent them from changing their mind at some point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?

How old are you, op? At some point sex just isn't as important..gasp!

So, this is Exhibit 1 of the problem. For some people at some point sex just isn’t as important. But it’s not so for others, so from the beginning be brutally honest with each other about your sexual needs and don’t assume that your way is the only way.

As sad as it sounds, sex can be a deal breaker for some couples, and there can be irreconcilable differences.

I don’t know. Men on here keep saying that sex is incredibly important to them, but in real life, it seems like there are a lot of things that are just as important if not more important.
For example, my husband, a physician, had to give a lecture to his fellows over lunch today. He could have skipped it without it impacting his career, come home, and we would have had sex. But he didn’t want to do that. Or he could leave the academic center and get a job doing chart reviews or telemedicine, and we would have more sex. But he doesn’t want to do that either.
Sex is just not the most important thing in life for anyone, man or woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 38 years and we still maintain an active sex life although it’s down to once a week, sometimes twice. On a daily basis there is always some affection. We never fight, rarely argue and when we disagree we find a reasonable way to resolve it. We are both pretty independent and low maintenance. We raised three successful kids and we were always aligned on parenting. We both had successful careers and my husband was very supportive of the crazy path I took. While we are independent we do rely on each other for advice and help. In a nutshell we are great friends and sex is still a part of that friendship and the sex has always been good enough that we both initiate.

Did you do HRT or just get lucky?

PP - HRT and lube and my husband knows not to linger too long and I usually lend a helping hand. What’s most important is that the desire is still there and there are ways to work around any physical issues.

HRT and lube, yes! And add vaginal estrogen, ladies! Keep those tissues supple!