How to maintain an active sex life over the decades?

[Anonymous]

There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?

[Anonymous]

Choreplay.

[Anonymous]

Gummies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are at least two other threads discussing changes in libido as people age within marriage. Any suggestions as to how to ensure that sex remains a core part of your marriage that both partners value? One person talked about having a wife in her 50s who barely makes any effort in bed now because she didn't need to back in her youth when she was gorgeous with a perfect body. I imagine that is a recipe for a dead bedroom as the decades pass. What things should couples avoid and what things should they proactively do besides setting aside a date night?

General advice:

Be aware that both partners' libidos will rise and fall over time. Don't let your mind panic and turn every single "dry spell" into a catastrophic "Oh my god, dead bedroom, I'll get sex outside the marriage" thing--a knee-jerk reaction that some people on this forum always seem to have. Things will change with age; work stresses; having kids; etc. Know that at the outset so you're not surprised or angry when you realize you're not having the sex you want. Then proactively ask, "What's stressing us/me/you out and affecting our sex lives?"

TALK about sex. Talk about dry spells rather than wishing and hoping your spouse will simply figure out you're frustrated. Talk before you reach the point of frustration. If your partner isn't a talker, you need them to be, and don't be afraid to get outside help like couples therapy or sex therapy if communication is truly bad. I'm amazed how many posts here seem to be from people who just hope their spouses will magically realize they want more sex, or different sex, and who don't want to tell their spouses that.

If you're deeply invested in your spouse's looks, weight, etc. at the time you marry, be a mature adult and realize those things change and YOU too will change. If you don't love the person inside the body enough to stick with them as you both age and change (yes, even if you work out etc., you will change)--then consider if marriage is really for you.

Just understand that "maintain a frequent sex live over the decades" may not mean "we have sex with exactly the same frequency over the years as we did at first." Ebb and flow are not a death sentence, unless the two spouses are either very unrealistic or are terrible communicators who think each should read the other's mind.

--From someone married 32 years, some dry spells both mutually and on each side; frequency shot up once our kid was older and out of the house more; currently things are better and more frequent than ever, thanks to increased communication and more time together. Yes, better now than when we were both younger, thinner, etc. It can happen.

[Anonymous]

Choreplay mostly doesn't work. In any case, everyone should be pulling their weight as a condition of being a functional adult in a long term relationship. Sex should not come to be viewed as something transactional.

Talking about dry spells can make them worse. They aren't always a phase, either. Sometimes the concern that your sex life won't bounce back is entirely justified.

That said, do try to take ebbs and flows in stride. Reacting badly to an ebb won't make things any better. The time to get used to talking about sex is when your sex life is good. Talk about why it is good and how to make it better (not necessarily more frequent -- frequency isn't the end-all, be-all.)

If you're in this kind of habit, hopefully: 1) it will already be well-established in both of your minds how vitally important a sex life is over the long haul; and 2) you'll already have the habit of talking about it so that discussions about any dry spells won't add counterproductive pressure to the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gummies

THIS ^

[Anonymous]

You're going to think I am crazy, but maybe getting a 3rd or 4th to join you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gummies

THIS ^

What drug?

[Anonymous]

Pegging…

[Anonymous]

Just have sex regularly and focus on enjoying it. Prioritize it.

[Anonymous]

Honestly? What would’ve helped us most is if DH never got fat.

[Anonymous]

Make sure she O’s every.single.time. If you are not sure, ask.

My DH gets so lazy about this and I basically have to tell him, “Do you like to O every time?” Yeah, me too. He’ll be good for a few weeks or months and then “forget” again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure she O’s every.single.time. If you are not sure, ask.

My DH gets so lazy about this and I basically have to tell him, “Do you like to O every time?” Yeah, me too. He’ll be good for a few weeks or months and then “forget” again.

How is this on him? He can O if you let him, without needing you to make it happen. All you need to do is tell him and make him wait while you O first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Choreplay mostly doesn't work. In any case, everyone should be pulling their weight as a condition of being a functional adult in a long term relationship. Sex should not come to be viewed as something transactional.

Talking about dry spells can make them worse. They aren't always a phase, either. Sometimes the concern that your sex life won't bounce back is entirely justified.

That said, do try to take ebbs and flows in stride. Reacting badly to an ebb won't make things any better. The time to get used to talking about sex is when your sex life is good. Talk about why it is good and how to make it better (not necessarily more frequent -- frequency isn't the end-all, be-all.)

If you're in this kind of habit, hopefully: 1) it will already be well-established in both of your minds how vitally important a sex life is over the long haul; and 2) you'll already have the habit of talking about it so that discussions about any dry spells won't add counterproductive pressure to the situation.

Choreplay" is a silly name for pulling your weight.

[Anonymous]

Be open minded inside and outside the bedroom. Don’t shoot down your spouse’s ideas.

As you get older and are married longer, you have to get a little creative to keep things going in the bedroom. This can be a little difficult and awkward. The only way it works is if your spouse knows that you are open to trying and won’t laugh.

But if you aren’t open when your wife tells you she wants to try swing dancing or to paint the living room yellow, then she is never going to tell you that she wants to dress in a leather corset and spank you.