Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both work FT outside the home. I took the day off without mentioning it to him and he “caught” me when he emailed something to my work email address and got my out of office response. Now his feelings are hurt because he says if I’d told him he could have also taken the day off and spent the day together.

I wasn’t up to anything nefarious, just wanted a quiet day with the house to myself and I love him, but his idea of how to spend the day wouldn’t match mine. TBH I thought everyone did this sometimes - am I wrong?

He sounds nice that he wants to grab lunch or spend some time with you during the family and holiday and yearend hecticness.

I’m super busy in all facets so if I’m taking a PTO day it’s because I’m sick or need a personal day to catch my breath or just finished massive travel or a big long project. It’s really none of his business. I’d tell him I’m decompressing and getting a hair cut and a nap and xmas shopping. BFD

In contrast to his informal PTO days golfing, overeating, or sleeping .

[Anonymous]

I think it's weird to not tell him. And DH and I do plenty of things separately.

I used to take an occasional personal day just to be alone, but I would always tell him. I don't bother any more now that he works from home...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's exactly why I don't tell DH when I take a day off sometimes. He always wants to hijack it and impose his hobby on us and bill it as OUR time, but I just want my own down time.

So I've done the not telling thing, and I've done the telling but setting firm boundaries: no I don't want to spend it on your hobby on my day off; I just want to see a movie that you don't care about.

Either way, I feel zero guilt.

“As long as you’re off, would you mind taking my car to the shop, picking up my dry cleaning, getting this thing from a Home Depot, grocery shopping etc etc etc.?”
This is why I never tell my husband when I take a day off. It’s not “errand day”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t tell him because he’d get offended I didn’t want him around and/or he’d expect me to be doing something “productive” (like chores that otherwise have to get done evenings and weekends). I just wanted to spend the day in bed, in my sweats, eating chips and watching awful daytime TV while scrolling DCUM and other mindless internetting! I didn’t pretend to go to work. He has a longer commute so leaves earlier than I do. I worked out this AM and took the kids to school as usual, then returned home.

You have to still see that as a lie of omission. Since you didnt say anything and knew he left before you, you knew he wouldnt "notice" so you didnt have to tell him outright.

I dont think Id appreciate my spouse behaving like this. "if she doesnt specifically ask, I dont have to tell" feels wrong in a marriage (in mine at least).

You sound really controlling.

People who don't appreciate their spouse lying to them arent crazy, controlling or whatever else you replied as. I'd consider a spouse continually, habitually lying a huge problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you tell him you want a day to yourself? You're a grown up, use your words, and also schedule days where you both take off and have a day together.

This.

I hate people who lie to avoid uncomfortable conversations. You did not exactly lie, but you are not upfront enough for my taste.

Team husband (not that you had to spend the day together, but that your spouse should know where you are for a whole day).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t tell him because he’d get offended I didn’t want him around and/or he’d expect me to be doing something “productive” (like chores that otherwise have to get done evenings and weekends). I just wanted to spend the day in bed, in my sweats, eating chips and watching awful daytime TV while scrolling DCUM and other mindless internetting! I didn’t pretend to go to work. He has a longer commute so leaves earlier than I do. I worked out this AM and took the kids to school as usual, then returned home.

You have to still see that as a lie of omission. Since you didnt say anything and knew he left before you, you knew he wouldnt "notice" so you didnt have to tell him outright.

I dont think Id appreciate my spouse behaving like this. "if she doesnt specifically ask, I dont have to tell" feels wrong in a marriage (in mine at least).

You sound really controlling.

People who don't appreciate their spouse lying to them arent crazy, controlling or whatever else you replied as. I'd consider a spouse continually, habitually lying a huge problem.

I do feel for OPs situation though, her husband "not letting" her have a day to herself is terrible, so I get why she did it. I just don't think lying to your spouse contributes to a healthy foundation in marriage.

[Anonymous]

Reminds me of my ASD spouse who disappears in the middle of a weekend day to take a nap. Saunters downstairs a couple hours later and asks if everyone else made headway on the stuff he was supposed to do. We all laugh hard but it’s not cute.

If fact his breakfast plate, chair and coffee ground mess are probably still all out this very late afternoon. He’s hopefully some daughter or wife or sitter walks by it and cleans it up for him.

[Anonymous]

Every day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of my ASD spouse who disappears in the middle of a weekend day to take a nap. Saunters downstairs a couple hours later and asks if everyone else made headway on the stuff he was supposed to do. We all laugh hard but it’s not cute.

If fact his breakfast plate, chair and coffee ground mess are probably still all out this very late afternoon. He’s hopefully some daughter or wife or sitter walks by it and cleans it up for him.

I don’t think that OP’s husband has ASD. That’s a pretty big jump from “expects me to do stuff for him on my day off.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have never done this to each other and never will. Why would you do that to your relationship?

Do... what? Like I said I will tell him in the future (because enough people think I should) but what am I doing to him?

Misleading him.

Lying to him.

Undermining his ability to trust you.

Blaming him for your decision to mislead him.

Now, playing the innocent "who me?" victim.




Your excuses don't make sense at all.

You sound crazy.

DP. I take time off all the time without telling my DH. I mean he doesn’t tell me either. Unless we have something planned, we rarely spend our days off together. We got $hit to do (separately). I took off Thanksgiving week Monday-Wednesday and DH didn’t figure it out until Wednesday afternoon.

You sound like a terrible spouse. So.does.yiur husband. You belong together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t tell him because he’d get offended I didn’t want him around and/or he’d expect me to be doing something “productive” (like chores that otherwise have to get done evenings and weekends). I just wanted to spend the day in bed, in my sweats, eating chips and watching awful daytime TV while scrolling DCUM and other mindless internetting! I didn’t pretend to go to work. He has a longer commute so leaves earlier than I do. I worked out this AM and took the kids to school as usual, then returned home.

You have to still see that as a lie of omission. Since you didnt say anything and knew he left before you, you knew he wouldnt "notice" so you didnt have to tell him outright.

I dont think Id appreciate my spouse behaving like this. "if she doesnt specifically ask, I dont have to tell" feels wrong in a marriage (in mine at least).

You sound really controlling.

People who don't appreciate their spouse lying to them arent crazy, controlling or whatever else you replied as. I'd consider a spouse continually, habitually lying a huge problem.

I do feel for OPs situation though, her husband "not letting" her have a day to herself is terrible, so I get why she did it. I just don't think lying to your spouse contributes to a healthy foundation in marriage.

But this is incorrect. Her husband doesn't control her at all. OP does whatever the heck she wants to do, whenever the heck she wants.to do it. She just blames her husband for her own choices rather than accept responsibility for them like an adult.

It is actually OP who is fully in control of what happens in her marriage. That's what the lying and deception is all about. A.method of controlling the other person.

She took a day off to be lazy. She feels guilty about that. Rather than examine her own feelings and her own dysfunctional behavior which causes her guilt, she projects everything into her husband.

Her husband may be needy but OP has encouraged and enabled that throughout the entire marriage. Deliberately doing things which she is aware will create insecurity is her way of maintaining control over her husband and her marriage.

If OP were emotionally healthy she would have simply told her husband the truth that she wanted to take a day off just to pamper herself or whatever. However that would present her as being selfish to her husband rather than the phony self sacrificing martyr persona she prefers to wear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird that you can’t take a day off without your husband. You really need to figure out why he’s so clingy.

If I have a day off he expects that either (a) he will join me and we’ll spend the day doing what HE wants to do, whether that means spending the day in bed together or cleaning out the garage), or (b) I will use the time to catch up on laundry or clean the bathroom or some other chore that otherwise happens evenings or weekends as we both work FT.

To be clear, we do sometimes coordinate days off and have day dates or do a house project. It’s not like that never happens.

Just say no.

[Anonymous]

OP - You had to do what you had to do to have your alone time. You are fine.

[Anonymous]

My husband wouldn’t give a darn if I was taking a PTO. He’d say I deserve it. With enough planning he might like to join me but it would be for something really special. But for a random PTO I’d tell him as an FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t tell him because he’d get offended I didn’t want him around and/or he’d expect me to be doing something “productive” (like chores that otherwise have to get done evenings and weekends). I just wanted to spend the day in bed, in my sweats, eating chips and watching awful daytime TV while scrolling DCUM and other mindless internetting! I didn’t pretend to go to work. He has a longer commute so leaves earlier than I do. I worked out this AM and took the kids to school as usual, then returned home.

You have to still see that as a lie of omission. Since you didnt say anything and knew he left before you, you knew he wouldnt "notice" so you didnt have to tell him outright.

I dont think Id appreciate my spouse behaving like this. "if she doesnt specifically ask, I dont have to tell" feels wrong in a marriage (in mine at least).

You sound really controlling.

People who don't appreciate their spouse lying to them arent crazy, controlling or whatever else you replied as. I'd consider a spouse continually, habitually lying a huge problem.

I do feel for OPs situation though, her husband "not letting" her have a day to herself is terrible, so I get why she did it. I just don't think lying to your spouse contributes to a healthy foundation in marriage.

I really don’t understand these posts about husband not letting wives do what they want on their days off. If you tried to drag him to a dress shop on a day off would he go? Probably not. Then why would you run errands just because he wants to?

Not sure I understand some of your relationship dynamics.