Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t tell him because he’d get offended I didn’t want him around and/or he’d expect me to be doing something “productive” (like chores that otherwise have to get done evenings and weekends). I just wanted to spend the day in bed, in my sweats, eating chips and watching awful daytime TV while scrolling DCUM and other mindless internetting! I didn’t pretend to go to work. He has a longer commute so leaves earlier than I do. I worked out this AM and took the kids to school as usual, then returned home.

This is literally fine. It's a sick / mental health day. Just say you got a headache and decided not to go in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t tell him because he’d get offended I didn’t want him around and/or he’d expect me to be doing something “productive” (like chores that otherwise have to get done evenings and weekends). I just wanted to spend the day in bed, in my sweats, eating chips and watching awful daytime TV while scrolling DCUM and other mindless internetting! I didn’t pretend to go to work. He has a longer commute so leaves earlier than I do. I worked out this AM and took the kids to school as usual, then returned home.

You have to still see that as a lie of omission. Since you didnt say anything and knew he left before you, you knew he wouldnt "notice" so you didnt have to tell him outright.

I dont think Id appreciate my spouse behaving like this. "if she doesnt specifically ask, I dont have to tell" feels wrong in a marriage (in mine at least).

[Anonymous]

Also, it's weird that your husband emails your work address instead of texting you on your phone.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s fine you did it. I would have told my spouse though. You could have worded it like you needed a mental health day just to have some peace for a few hours.

[Anonymous]

Nope. But DH wouldn't get offended if I wanted a day to myself to indulge without being productive for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, it's weird that your husband emails your work address instead of texting you on your phone.

No way - my husband and I put joint appointments (like joint PTO, or kid dr appointments) on our work calendars so we do email the others work email maybe 2-3 / month on average.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, it's weird that your husband emails your work address instead of texting you on your phone.

It was something industry related (we don’t work together but are in the same field).

[Anonymous]

I do this sometimes. I work evening shift once a week and a couple of times a year I take it off but still leave the house like I’m going to work. Instead I got shopping or meet a friend or whatever. If DH knows that I have it off, he expects me to stay home with him and the kids unless I have specific plans.

[Anonymous]

I do this every once in a while. Leave for work a little later than usual, go to a workout class. Shower, have a leisurely lunch. Get my brows and/or nails done. Walk around the city with a coffee. Come home a little earlier than usual. Heavenly!

[Anonymous]

It’s weird that you can’t take a day off without your husband. You really need to figure out why he’s so clingy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t tell him because he’d get offended I didn’t want him around and/or he’d expect me to be doing something “productive” (like chores that otherwise have to get done evenings and weekends). I just wanted to spend the day in bed, in my sweats, eating chips and watching awful daytime TV while scrolling DCUM and other mindless internetting! I didn’t pretend to go to work. He has a longer commute so leaves earlier than I do. I worked out this AM and took the kids to school as usual, then returned home.

You have to still see that as a lie of omission. Since you didnt say anything and knew he left before you, you knew he wouldnt "notice" so you didnt have to tell him outright.

I dont think Id appreciate my spouse behaving like this. "if she doesnt specifically ask, I dont have to tell" feels wrong in a marriage (in mine at least).

Yes, I (OP) agree it’s a lie of omission. If I thought I could just say “hey, taking the day off to veg on the couch” and his response would be “cool, enjoy” I would!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird that you can’t take a day off without your husband. You really need to figure out why he’s so clingy.

If I have a day off he expects that either (a) he will join me and we’ll spend the day doing what HE wants to do, whether that means spending the day in bed together or cleaning out the garage), or (b) I will use the time to catch up on laundry or clean the bathroom or some other chore that otherwise happens evenings or weekends as we both work FT.

To be clear, we do sometimes coordinate days off and have day dates or do a house project. It’s not like that never happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I take off all the time without talking to each other. We have so many chores, so many appointments for the kids and so many errands that we'd never just take off to relax. We take plenty of vacations, but I can't imagine taking a day off to just hang at home and do nothing. I also can't waste my dh's time either. If he's taking off, he also has a mile long list to get done.

This is why he doesn’t tell you every time he has a day off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t tell him because he’d get offended I didn’t want him around and/or he’d expect me to be doing something “productive” (like chores that otherwise have to get done evenings and weekends). I just wanted to spend the day in bed, in my sweats, eating chips and watching awful daytime TV while scrolling DCUM and other mindless internetting! I didn’t pretend to go to work. He has a longer commute so leaves earlier than I do. I worked out this AM and took the kids to school as usual, then returned home.

You have to still see that as a lie of omission. Since you didnt say anything and knew he left before you, you knew he wouldnt "notice" so you didnt have to tell him outright.

I dont think Id appreciate my spouse behaving like this. "if she doesnt specifically ask, I dont have to tell" feels wrong in a marriage (in mine at least).

Yes, I (OP) agree it’s a lie of omission. If I thought I could just say “hey, taking the day off to veg on the couch” and his response would be “cool, enjoy” I would!

Yes; this is your problem. He is too clingy and controlling. You need to be able to take a day off and do what you want. I can see how your husband might have been surprised you didn’t tell him so this is a perfect time to say that you need him to react differently next time. You could also try something like, “Work has been so stressful. I’m going to look for a quiet day in the next few weeks to take off and take care of myself.”

And if he asks you to let him know so that he can take off with you, you need to shut that down but soften it like, “Hon, let’s plan a day after the kids go back to school in Jan to do something together. I really do need a day off just me this time.”

[Anonymous]

No. But I also don’t ask for their permission. I have more time off than my husband does. I’d rather be a stay at home mom, but my working takes some pressure off of him financially so he’s happy for me to take off as much time as I can.