Do you ever take a PTO day without telling spouse?

[Anonymous]

Shoot, I invent entire out-of-town work trips for solo mini vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shoot, I invent entire out-of-town work trips for solo mini vacations.

Ooh, nice! Where have you gone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shoot, I invent entire out-of-town work trips for solo mini vacations.

Why did you bother getting married?

[Anonymous]

It seems dishonest because your intent was to hide it from him since you know he may hijack it.

I think it shows there is something wrong with your marriage.

Dh once had an afternoon off from work. Some event was cancelled. There was a school event I could not go to. I thought it was great that Dh could go. He simply said he didn’t know about the school event and preferred to go home and rest. It was no big deal. I remember I told my coworker and he said the absolute last thing he would want to do on a free Friday afternoon was go to his kids school. He said he would not tell his wife he was even off. I thought it was a strange comment. They are now divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both work FT outside the home. I took the day off without mentioning it to him and he “caught” me when he emailed something to my work email address and got my out of office response. Now his feelings are hurt because he says if I’d told him he could have also taken the day off and spent the day together.

I wasn’t up to anything nefarious, just wanted a quiet day with the house to myself and I love him, but his idea of how to spend the day wouldn’t match mine. TBH I thought everyone did this sometimes - am I wrong?

Why is he emailing you at your work address? That's uncouth, and hats worse, is discoverable in legal proceedings.
You have a personal smartphone, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both work FT outside the home. I took the day off without mentioning it to him and he “caught” me when he emailed something to my work email address and got my out of office response. Now his feelings are hurt because he says if I’d told him he could have also taken the day off and spent the day together.

I wasn’t up to anything nefarious, just wanted a quiet day with the house to myself and I love him, but his idea of how to spend the day wouldn’t match mine. TBH I thought everyone did this sometimes - am I wrong?

This is exactly how someone hiding an affair would behave. Not saying you are, but you should think about the image you are projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both work FT outside the home. I took the day off without mentioning it to him and he “caught” me when he emailed something to my work email address and got my out of office response. Now his feelings are hurt because he says if I’d told him he could have also taken the day off and spent the day together.

I wasn’t up to anything nefarious, just wanted a quiet day with the house to myself and I love him, but his idea of how to spend the day wouldn’t match mine. TBH I thought everyone did this sometimes - am I wrong?

This is exactly how someone hiding an affair would behave. Not saying you are, but you should think about the image you are projecting.

Most people outside of DCUM don't immediately jump to the conclusion that their spouse is cheating if they don't know exactly where they are at all times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both work FT outside the home. I took the day off without mentioning it to him and he “caught” me when he emailed something to my work email address and got my out of office response. Now his feelings are hurt because he says if I’d told him he could have also taken the day off and spent the day together.

I wasn’t up to anything nefarious, just wanted a quiet day with the house to myself and I love him, but his idea of how to spend the day wouldn’t match mine. TBH I thought everyone did this sometimes - am I wrong?

Why is he emailing you at your work address? That's uncouth, and hats worse, is discoverable in legal proceedings.
You have a personal smartphone, right?

Lots of government folks working in classified settings don't have access to their smart phones in the building, during the day, etc. So yes, my husband will occasionally email me a grocery list using both of our professional emails. I can't imagine a legal proceeding that includes messages like "don't forget we're out of cereal, and the kids won't eat the generic brand corn flakes."

[Anonymous]

OP here again. The email wasn't something personal, it was related to an industry event one or both of us might attend. He sent it from his work email to mine. We don't work together but are in the same field.

I'm not having an affair, nor have I ever.

Anyway, we talked, and we are good. He's been feeling generally disconnected so we have picked out a day the week before Christmas to be off together and wrap Christmas presents, go to a fancy lunch, and have couple time. I said going forward I'll tell him when I've planned a day off with the understanding I might want to be by myself and I might want to do nothing, and even if he thinks that's lazy I am allowed to be lazy sometimes, and he agreed. He started saying he'd never guilt me for reading in bed instead of doing errands or whatever but when I gave several examples of him doing just that, I think he got it.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's a big deal - but my DH and I don't keep track of each other during the day. If he wants to meet friends or something for a long lunch, watch a game, he doesn't have to tell me. If I want to take the day off, I don't think I would tell him. It's weird. I think deep down you are craving some "me" time and it sounds like you were worried he would not give that to you if he knew - e.g. that he would want to do something "together." I think it is healthy for couples to have time apart. This is weird and controlling on his part. I would just set a boundary and not be defensive. You have the right to self-care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both work FT outside the home. I took the day off without mentioning it to him and he “caught” me when he emailed something to my work email address and got my out of office response. Now his feelings are hurt because he says if I’d told him he could have also taken the day off and spent the day together.

I wasn’t up to anything nefarious, just wanted a quiet day with the house to myself and I love him, but his idea of how to spend the day wouldn’t match mine. TBH I thought everyone did this sometimes - am I wrong?

I don't think you did anything wrong. You let your coworkers know the deal. He is not a coworker so he does not have the need to know. When he asked you told hom. So you were not withholding information. You just wanted a day off for whatever reason (maybe to read a book in your personal chair or to watch a movie on your peronal laptop whatever or to write a story in your journal). You're cool in my book.

[Anonymous]

I (OP) talked to a friend about this and she said that not only do she and her husband do this, they once inadvertently did it on the same day! She came home from Target and found her DH on the couch watching some soccer match. They had a laugh about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both work FT outside the home. I took the day off without mentioning it to him and he “caught” me when he emailed something to my work email address and got my out of office response. Now his feelings are hurt because he says if I’d told him he could have also taken the day off and spent the day together.

I wasn’t up to anything nefarious, just wanted a quiet day with the house to myself and I love him, but his idea of how to spend the day wouldn’t match mine. TBH I thought everyone did this sometimes - am I wrong?

My husband used to to that. He'd go hiking and whatever else I have no idea because he never invited me, I'd find out when he got home early or whatever during the day. So I - during the pandemic - started doing it so I could goof off, watch movies, read books and be able to keep the door closed and say not now, I'm working!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shoot, I invent entire out-of-town work trips for solo mini vacations.

Why did you bother getting married?

NP, but this is a legitimate question. Because most of the time I love my husband. But gd dm if I don't need a break from him sometimes. He's a good father, good husband, good roommate. But I also love me and need to spend time with me.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, I don’t think I’ve ever taken a PTO except when I can schedule a bunch of kid’s appointments on one day. I’m sure I tell my husband.