What did you do about ‘fairness’ if one child’s education costs a lot more than the other’s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is at a private college and my DS will be attending an in-state public.

If he also was attending a private we would had have to stop funding our retirement for the duration of his education, but now we don’t

If any of you are/were in a similar position, how did you feel about the “fairness”? Did you even address it? fwiw DD is taking $3500 subsidized loans annually and DS doesn’t have to take out any loans, which he will know.

This is a difficult one. Perhaps you could help your DS with graduate/professional school to make up for it? How your children feel about this probably depends on the history of how they've been treated in the home. If they have always felt equally loved and supported, perhaps they'll both be OK with the disparity in spending.

I come from a dysfunctional religious family that didn't value education for girls. I was the only daughter and had many brothers. My brothers went to expensive private high schools, their university education was covered, and they were not expected to help out around the house. I went to public schools, was on my own for university, and was kept busy with household chores. This was many decades ago (I'm old), and my parents might have been a little more enlightened in today's world. I'm sorry to say that I will die resenting this. My brothers were taught that women and girls had little value or agency and were not very pleasant to be around. Both my parents were extremely misogynistic. My mother was a slavedriver who made me help her clean and cook and do laundry. I doubt there is this sort of inequality between your children, but I would remain attuned to your DS's feelings about the issue.

[Anonymous]

We did not keep track of kids expenses the 1st 18 years as some went to more expensive camps or had more expensive sports programs.

We had 1 kid go to public high school and 2 go to private high school. It was the right place for each of them.

We have been very clear that each person has different needs and we will support them with the right college. No one picked the expensive one to be "equal"

[Anonymous]

We nipped it in the bud when DC suggested a possible lasting resentment if DC chose a cost-effective route and sibling ended up getting more $$ help later. We said our job was to help each kid pick the right school for each, of which finances was one consideration but by no means the only one, things even out over time, etc., etc.

Growing up, I had a close-in-age sibling who did not hold down a side job, but I worked as soon as I legally could, summer and school year, and sometimes longer hours than legal and paid under the table. Before junior year of college, I went to buy a cheap used car needed for my major (field visits and out-of-town research library access). As I walked away from the bank with my book of payment coupons, my dad asked to see it and tore out the first year of payments, said he was going to pay them. My sib found out but understood--though often guilted me into rides. He could have been bitter but chose not to let it affect relationship with me or parents. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

My parents just paid for the schools my brother and I attended. they never counted who got what tuition dollars and for how long.

My inlaws kept track of the undergrad costs of my husband and sister and then credited her the difference towards law school (as she went to a cheaper school and also received more merit aid.) My husband went to medical school and they paid for this as a loan (which he paid them back in installments during and after residency) while his sister got her law school tuition as a grant from them in the dollar amount she saved them in undergrad tuition.
It was a bit complex and a PITA for them to administer (they had my husband on a monthly payment plan for a number of years) but it seemed to work ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is at a private college and my DS will be attending an in-state public.

If he also was attending a private we would had have to stop funding our retirement for the duration of his education, but now we don’t

If any of you are/were in a similar position, how did you feel about the “fairness”? Did you even address it? fwiw DD is taking $3500 subsidized loans annually and DS doesn’t have to take out any loans, which he will know.

When it was time for me to go to college, I got into the an expensive college my older sister went to, and my parents told me that they couldn't afford to send both of us. They said that since I was a much less dedicated student (true) that they wouldn't go into a lot debt to send me to an expensive college and that I needed to aim at cheaper colleges. I suppose I could have been bitter about it, but I understood their reasoning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is at a private college and my DS will be attending an in-state public.

If he also was attending a private we would had have to stop funding our retirement for the duration of his education, but now we don’t

If any of you are/were in a similar position, how did you feel about the “fairness”? Did you even address it? fwiw DD is taking $3500 subsidized loans annually and DS doesn’t have to take out any loans, which he will know.

When it was time for me to go to college, I got into the an expensive college my older sister went to, and my parents told me that they couldn't afford to send both of us. They said that since I was a much less dedicated student (true) that they wouldn't go into a lot debt to send me to an expensive college and that I needed to aim at cheaper colleges. I suppose I could have been bitter about it, but I understood their reasoning.

Long time ago, in a family I knew, they sent their oldest son to Harvard, and as you would expect Harvard completely broke the bank, draining the family of every last available cent. His two younger sisters had to attend less expensive, less prestigious schools. Yeah, they did OK in their careers but they didn't get to go to Harvard. Wouldn't surprise me if they were bitter. Worst of all, the Harvard alum did not do anything spectacular with his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is at a private college and my DS will be attending an in-state public.

If he also was attending a private we would had have to stop funding our retirement for the duration of his education, but now we don’t

If any of you are/were in a similar position, how did you feel about the “fairness”? Did you even address it? fwiw DD is taking $3500 subsidized loans annually and DS doesn’t have to take out any loans, which he will know.

My parents gave me money to make up for it- but siblings went private, I did in state at Cornell ( one sibling also went to Cornell but chose a private college there)- I don't think it was exact amount but they're always good about trying to make things equal financially. Though my siblings both had masters/law degree that I assume my parents helped with whereas I did a fully funded PhD.

In-state at Cornell, huh?

[Anonymous]

One kid got money from taxpayers, one got money from parents. It's fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is at a private college and my DS will be attending an in-state public.

If he also was attending a private we would had have to stop funding our retirement for the duration of his education, but now we don’t

If any of you are/were in a similar position, how did you feel about the “fairness”? Did you even address it? fwiw DD is taking $3500 subsidized loans annually and DS doesn’t have to take out any loans, which he will know.

My parents gave me money to make up for it- but siblings went private, I did in state at Cornell ( one sibling also went to Cornell but chose a private college there)- I don't think it was exact amount but they're always good about trying to make things equal financially. Though my siblings both had masters/law degree that I assume my parents helped with whereas I did a fully funded PhD.

In-state at Cornell, huh?

Yes - every in NY knows this.
https://www.suny.edu/campuses/cornell/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is at a private college and my DS will be attending an in-state public.

If he also was attending a private we would had have to stop funding our retirement for the duration of his education, but now we don’t

If any of you are/were in a similar position, how did you feel about the “fairness”? Did you even address it? fwiw DD is taking $3500 subsidized loans annually and DS doesn’t have to take out any loans, which he will know.

When it was time for me to go to college, I got into the an expensive college my older sister went to, and my parents told me that they couldn't afford to send both of us. They said that since I was a much less dedicated student (true) that they wouldn't go into a lot debt to send me to an expensive college and that I needed to aim at cheaper colleges. I suppose I could have been bitter about it, but I understood their reasoning.

Long time ago, in a family I knew, they sent their oldest son to Harvard, and as you would expect Harvard completely broke the bank, draining the family of every last available cent. His two younger sisters had to attend less expensive, less prestigious schools. Yeah, they did OK in their careers but they didn't get to go to Harvard. Wouldn't surprise me if they were bitter. Worst of all, the Harvard alum did not do anything spectacular with his life.

I would resent that, especially if there was some misogyny involved (and that sounds possible here).

One of mine went to an extremely good public school, while another went private with merit and financial aid. Private was only slightly more expensive, so we evened things out by helping the public school kid with grad school. Now, of course, the private school kid is also going to grad school, and we feel obligated to help. We got the public school kid a nicer, more expensive car, so I think we've spent almost exactly the same on each now. Thankfully, neither feels they were treated unfairly, and public school kid (who makes a lot of money) is even offering to help support private school kid through grad school, while the latter is filled with gratitude but doesn't want to impose on a sibling. I love my kids! So proud of both!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened before college. One child needed to go to a private high school, but the others didn't. We could not afford the private high school for the others, even though it was a better school. The others didn't like their public high school, but they never complained that their sibling got to go to a better school. They knew their sibling needed the private school, so I guess they considered that "fair." They all went to public colleges at nearly the same cost, tho one of them got significant scholarships. No complaints from that child that we'd spent more money on the others. They understand we are fair to each of them: they get what they need, not what they want.

Because you raised your kids to have empathy, and appreciate that they didn't have the learning issues/whatever issues necessitated the private HS. They want their siblings to succeed in life and realize everyone gets what they need, and that might be different things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is at a private college and my DS will be attending an in-state public.

If he also was attending a private we would had have to stop funding our retirement for the duration of his education, but now we don’t

If any of you are/were in a similar position, how did you feel about the “fairness”? Did you even address it? fwiw DD is taking $3500 subsidized loans annually and DS doesn’t have to take out any loans, which he will know.

My parents gave me money to make up for it- but siblings went private, I did in state at Cornell ( one sibling also went to Cornell but chose a private college there)- I don't think it was exact amount but they're always good about trying to make things equal financially. Though my siblings both had masters/law degree that I assume my parents helped with whereas I did a fully funded PhD.

In-state at Cornell, huh?

Way to advertise your ignorance.

[Anonymous]

Keep comforting yourselves that all is ok. Truth is, Op would not be on here asking the question, if it were.

[Anonymous]

It matters. It doesn't have to be perfect but fairness matters.

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m lucky to have never had to think about this. My parents were painstakingly fair - at some point years later my dad asked me and sibling A whether we thought it was OK that they had helped out sibling B with fertility treatment costs which sibling A and I had not needed - but the three of us all went to the same private high school and similar SLACs with no merit, so the only difference was that the youngest was more expensive. Only one of my two kids will be able to go to college - the other one has special needs which are significant enough that he may not be able to live independently.

My in-laws sat my DH down after he had applied to colleges and told him that they had spent all their money on his older sister and he had to go wherever he got in that would give him a full scholarship. He had gotten in to two Ivys and several other really good schools and couldn’t go, and while he loves the school that gave him a full rider is still a bit bitter about it.

I think I’m in the if you’re covering college for both that’s fair no matter where camp, and consider the savings for the second a windfall for you.