What did you do about ‘fairness’ if one child’s education costs a lot more than the other’s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two of my friends kids asked for cash payment to balance it out.

LOL! I would respond by sending them a bill for their tuition, living expenses, and other costs after age 18.

[Anonymous]

Maybe someone has a fresh view on our situation.. This is about my stepson and stepdaughter, ages 20 and 19. Fifteen years ago their parents started a study fund and put money away, wich would be available to them after 15 years. (Happened a couple of months ago) It was meant for study or to get started in life. Son of 20 already finished his study and is working. Daughter of 19 is almost done with study and wants to start another after this one.
Now the money they're each getting is available, daughter and her mom thought is was unfair she has to use some of the money for her study while son gets to keep it in the bank. Mother and daughter want son to pay for half the study with his share of the money.
My partner and I just thought it would be most fair to give them the same amount of money, but mother and daughter just won't stop complaining about it. Since we're not agreeing to their idea, they came up with a new one: They both get the same amount of money, and the father and I pay for daughters next study.

I'm completely stumped here.. they have been going on about not being treated fairly for so long now that we're doubting our own decisions.
I'm curious to hear what others think of such a situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe someone has a fresh view on our situation.. This is about my stepson and stepdaughter, ages 20 and 19. Fifteen years ago their parents started a study fund and put money away, wich would be available to them after 15 years. (Happened a couple of months ago) It was meant for study or to get started in life. Son of 20 already finished his study and is working. Daughter of 19 is almost done with study and wants to start another after this one.
Now the money they're each getting is available, daughter and her mom thought is was unfair she has to use some of the money for her study while son gets to keep it in the bank. Mother and daughter want son to pay for half the study with his share of the money.
My partner and I just thought it would be most fair to give them the same amount of money, but mother and daughter just won't stop complaining about it. Since we're not agreeing to their idea, they came up with a new one: They both get the same amount of money, and the father and I pay for daughters next study.

I'm completely stumped here.. they have been going on about not being treated fairly for so long now that we're doubting our own decisions.
I'm curious to hear what others think of such a situation.

Are you saying that someone (parents/stepparents) fully paid for one kid's university (or similar) expenses, but not the other's? (So this money would cover the final year of university?). It seems to me that what is "fair" is for both of them to have the same # of years of their educational experiences paid for (assuming this would add up to roughly the same price), and for this money to go to both of them on top of that. If one kid has already had a full 4 years (assuming US university, but translate if it's different than that), then the other kid should have 4 years covered. If one kid only got 2 years covered, then the other should have 2 years covered and can use this $$ to cover the rest.

[Anonymous]

“ I'm completely stumped here.. they have been going on about not being treated fairly for so long now that we're doubting our own decisions.
I'm curious to hear what others think of such a situation.”

Once they start nagging, hounding, and complaining that’s your cue to cut them off with nothing. “Talk to the hand!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe someone has a fresh view on our situation.. This is about my stepson and stepdaughter, ages 20 and 19. Fifteen years ago their parents started a study fund and put money away, wich would be available to them after 15 years. (Happened a couple of months ago) It was meant for study or to get started in life. Son of 20 already finished his study and is working. Daughter of 19 is almost done with study and wants to start another after this one.
Now the money they're each getting is available, daughter and her mom thought is was unfair she has to use some of the money for her study while son gets to keep it in the bank. Mother and daughter want son to pay for half the study with his share of the money.
My partner and I just thought it would be most fair to give them the same amount of money, but mother and daughter just won't stop complaining about it. Since we're not agreeing to their idea, they came up with a new one: They both get the same amount of money, and the father and I pay for daughters next study.

I'm completely stumped here.. they have been going on about not being treated fairly for so long now that we're doubting our own decisions.
I'm curious to hear what others think of such a situation.

Mother is the mother of both of your step children?
And she wants her son to pay for his sister's education with money that was put aside to help him "get started in life"?

Is there a reason why a mother would express this type of preference?
This seems very fishy to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe someone has a fresh view on our situation.. This is about my stepson and stepdaughter, ages 20 and 19. Fifteen years ago their parents started a study fund and put money away, wich would be available to them after 15 years. (Happened a couple of months ago) It was meant for study or to get started in life. Son of 20 already finished his study and is working. Daughter of 19 is almost done with study and wants to start another after this one.
Now the money they're each getting is available, daughter and her mom thought is was unfair she has to use some of the money for her study while son gets to keep it in the bank. Mother and daughter want son to pay for half the study with his share of the money.
My partner and I just thought it would be most fair to give them the same amount of money, but mother and daughter just won't stop complaining about it. Since we're not agreeing to their idea, they came up with a new one: They both get the same amount of money, and the father and I pay for daughters next study.

I'm completely stumped here.. they have been going on about not being treated fairly for so long now that we're doubting our own decisions.
I'm curious to hear what others think of such a situation.

Mother is the mother of both of your step children?
And she wants her son to pay for his sister's education with money that was put aside to help him "get started in life"?

Is there a reason why a mother would express this type of preference?
This seems very fishy to me.

They are indeed both her children. Their daughter lives with her, and their son with us. In my eyes she doesn't seem to like their son very much (he has autism and can be hard do deal with, especially if you are a mother who wants to control everyone's actions). We do just fine with him, wich is why he lives with us.

I'm relieved someone objective sees it like this though, because I feel I'm biased in this. It is after all my husbands ex.. My husband is inclined to give in to their demands, because the daughter is threatening to end contact with him. I feel like we shouldn't give in, because they will keep finding ways to feel shortchanged anyway.

[Anonymous]

Just leave a bit more $$ for your son in your will?

[Anonymous]

I see. So perhaps the issue (besides a bad relationship) that 'getting started in life' is different for the two kids. For one, it's traditional college and all of those expenses. For the other, it is probably something else (but likely, the more help the son can get, the better).

The fair thing would to divide the money evenly. Make sure that whatever expenses were previously covered for the son at age 19-20 are also provided for the daughter. And then split the new money evenly on top of that.

That said, this if your husband's relationship with the daughter is tenuous, I could imagine him wanting to do what's necessary to preserve it, as this could cause a rift that lasts pretty much forever. If I were in the situation (and had the financial wherewithall), I'd split the money unevenly to pay for more of the daughter's education. And then I'd quietly make up the difference privately to the son.

[Anonymous]

That’s the choice they made, and that’s that
I am beyond shocked that the dad is paying anything at all, he’s not obligated to. These are some lucky kids

[Anonymous]

My kids have never questioned the fairness of it. They were allowed to apply anywhere they wanted to and knew we would pay for all of their college. It just happened to be they wanted different things in a college.

One is at a public in state and one is at an incredibly expensive private. We have saved enough to pay for both (and the 3rd kid who is still in HS). Kid at public will probably go on to grad school. They can use the money left over in their 529 for it. Kid in private will probably go straight to work.

Things are not always fair $ for $ between kids. That's just how things work out and our kids realize this and don't have a problem with it. Our kids have always gotten most of what they asked for and definitely everything they need.

Now if money were an issue we would definitely split the funds equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn't address it. But I was okay with it. My state college was fully paid and my sister's Ivy League engineering degree was fully paid. Though my grandparents had to chip in for hers. Hers cost 200% more than mine.

So we both got free Bachelors' (really pay-it-forward-to-future-generations "free") and later earned our own free rides to grad school.

Graduating without debt is a gift. We were equitably treated although not given the same $. I teased sister a little bit because I prided myself on being the smart value/prudent spending older sister but that was it. A lot depends on family dynamics. My sister was grumpy anyway because our parents got stingy with money for a needed new computer because they were a bit shellshocked by Ivy prices.

Thinking back, a couple years after I graduated, my grandparents gave me a "get started in life" financial gift that I believe was the equivalent of their contribution to my sister's college. That was appreciated, but not necessary.

There is no right answer. Just be kind, open, and equitable. If you are later able to help more, maybe mention if you consider it a "make-up" for a prior situation. Some kids do keep score just because that's how sibling rivalry works.

This.
Equitable does not mean equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn't address it. But I was okay with it. My state college was fully paid and my sister's Ivy League engineering degree was fully paid. Though my grandparents had to chip in for hers. Hers cost 200% more than mine.

So we both got free Bachelors' (really pay-it-forward-to-future-generations "free") and later earned our own free rides to grad school.

Graduating without debt is a gift. We were equitably treated although not given the same $. I teased sister a little bit because I prided myself on being the smart value/prudent spending older sister but that was it. A lot depends on family dynamics. My sister was grumpy anyway because our parents got stingy with money for a needed new computer because they were a bit shellshocked by Ivy prices.

Thinking back, a couple years after I graduated, my grandparents gave me a "get started in life" financial gift that I believe was the equivalent of their contribution to my sister's college. That was appreciated, but not necessary.

There is no right answer. Just be kind, open, and equitable. If you are later able to help more, maybe mention if you consider it a "make-up" for a prior situation. Some kids do keep score just because that's how sibling rivalry works.

This.
Equitable does not mean equal.

Socialism is sort of how families work. From each according to their ability, to each according to their need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn't address it. But I was okay with it. My state college was fully paid and my sister's Ivy League engineering degree was fully paid. Though my grandparents had to chip in for hers. Hers cost 200% more than mine.

So we both got free Bachelors' (really pay-it-forward-to-future-generations "free") and later earned our own free rides to grad school.

Graduating without debt is a gift. We were equitably treated although not given the same $. I teased sister a little bit because I prided myself on being the smart value/prudent spending older sister but that was it. A lot depends on family dynamics. My sister was grumpy anyway because our parents got stingy with money for a needed new computer because they were a bit shellshocked by Ivy prices.

Thinking back, a couple years after I graduated, my grandparents gave me a "get started in life" financial gift that I believe was the equivalent of their contribution to my sister's college. That was appreciated, but not necessary.

There is no right answer. Just be kind, open, and equitable. If you are later able to help more, maybe mention if you consider it a "make-up" for a prior situation. Some kids do keep score just because that's how sibling rivalry works.

This.
Equitable does not mean equal.

Socialism is sort of how families work. From each according to their ability, to each according to their need.

Only if you are a healthy family. A dysfunctional family often shows love with money. Then equitable can be interpreted 'you live SN kid more than me'...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Bobby Ray, I paid for your education. And Navaeh, I paid for your education. One kid, one education each. Totally fair."

Agree, fair does not mean exactly the same. What is fair is not always equal.

[Anonymous]

We were upfront with both kids. We have enough saved for each of them to attend private colleges, but if they do, there won't be anything left over. They have the money to use how they choose. Choose a private college, we'll fully fund it, but you should assume you're on your own for grad school. Choose a public, you can use the extra money for grad school. It's all laid out upfront and it's their choice to make. Our first child chose a private college, we'll see what our second does.