What did you do about ‘fairness’ if one child’s education costs a lot more than the other’s?

[Anonymous]

My DD is at a private college and my DS will be attending an in-state public.

If he also was attending a private we would had have to stop funding our retirement for the duration of his education, but now we don’t

If any of you are/were in a similar position, how did you feel about the “fairness”? Did you even address it? fwiw DD is taking $3500 subsidized loans annually and DS doesn’t have to take out any loans, which he will know.

[Anonymous]

You're going to get a lot of different answers to this. I fall into the camp that things don't have to be "fair" constantly and that things tend to even out in the end. Although that's how my parents approached things. One person might go to graduate school, one might not. One might want a big wedding, one might not. One might have many kids that you end up helping, one might not have any. There are so many things that help balance out finances over the course of a lifetime that it's hard to try to balance it out on purpose. I know that there are a lot of different ways of slicing this though.

[Anonymous]

My kids know I will pay for their undergrad and grad no matter where they go, and going somewhere cheaper does not net them the cash.

[Anonymous]

My parents didn't address it. But I was okay with it. My state college was fully paid and my sister's Ivy League engineering degree was fully paid. Though my grandparents had to chip in for hers. Hers cost 200% more than mine.

So we both got free Bachelors' (really pay-it-forward-to-future-generations "free") and later earned our own free rides to grad school.

Graduating without debt is a gift. We were equitably treated although not given the same $. I teased sister a little bit because I prided myself on being the smart value/prudent spending older sister but that was it. A lot depends on family dynamics. My sister was grumpy anyway because our parents got stingy with money for a needed new computer because they were a bit shellshocked by Ivy prices.

Thinking back, a couple years after I graduated, my grandparents gave me a "get started in life" financial gift that I believe was the equivalent of their contribution to my sister's college. That was appreciated, but not necessary.

There is no right answer. Just be kind, open, and equitable. If you are later able to help more, maybe mention if you consider it a "make-up" for a prior situation. Some kids do keep score just because that's how sibling rivalry works.

[Anonymous]

I’d do nothing to make this “fair”. I’ll find both my kids’ undergrads but, as a previous poster said, going somewhere less expensive or getting a scholarship won’t get them more cash.

Similarly, if I spend a lot more money on my child with special needs over their lifetime (therapies, etc.), that doesn’t mean I’ll be paying the other the cash I didn’t spend on them.

[Anonymous]

Just say you will pay for their college education wherever they choose to go and are accepted that is within your budget.

[Anonymous]

It’s perfectly “fair” if your daughter had a state school option but decided that she’d rather go private knowing in advance that it would require that she take out loans.

[Anonymous]

I think you're fine. There are definitely situations where I think you should try to balance it out down the line (one kid earns a full scholarship and another futzes around for 6 years getting an expensive undergrad degree on your dime, for example), but since DD is already taking out loans and DS won't have to, I don't think this falls into that category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to get a lot of different answers to this. I fall into the camp that things don't have to be "fair" constantly and that things tend to even out in the end. Although that's how my parents approached things. One person might go to graduate school, one might not. One might want a big wedding, one might not. One might have many kids that you end up helping, one might not have any. There are so many things that help balance out finances over the course of a lifetime that it's hard to try to balance it out on purpose. I know that there are a lot of different ways of slicing this though.

I agree.

DS has learning disabilities and ADHD that cost us in expensive neuropsychological eval, tutoring and meds.
DD recently developed an auto-immune condition that necessitated several surgical interventions.
DS chose an expensive private university (with merit, but still!).
DD can choose whatever the heck she get into.

Who knows what the future will bring, who will manage what burdens?

Whatever your line of thinking is, share it with your children, and listen to their opinions. Lack of communication is what makes adult children believe they're being short-changed, when usually, none of it is intentional.

[Anonymous]

"Bobby Ray, I paid for your education. And Navaeh, I paid for your education. One kid, one education each. Totally fair."

[Anonymous]

Is your son doing it for that reason?

One thought is you could tell him that since he may have some left over in his 529, he could put that towards grad school someday?

But honestly, as someone who went to a state school and - in retrospect - “saved” my parents money going in state as compared to my siblings’ college choices (knowing my parents were planning to pay for our colleges), I didn’t and don’t feel there was any sort of unfairness - I wanted to go to that school

[Anonymous]

We had pretty equal college savings for both, and enough in both accounts to fund 4 years at private. Both kids knew this. They also knew that this was theirs to spend but only after they got a degree, ie no dropping out and partying on it.

One kid went to a T10 private and has an impressive STEM degree and a fantastic job and is building up savings. The other went to a not highly ranked state public with a scholarship and graduated with a business degree plus a couple $100Ks and is now investing it. So we were as fair as we could be and got two very different, but IMO successful outcomes.

BTW lest you think this is family/trust money, both my spouse and I were career feds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d do nothing to make this “fair”. I’ll find both my kids’ undergrads but, as a previous poster said, going somewhere less expensive or getting a scholarship won’t get them more cash.

Similarly, if I spend a lot more money on my child with special needs over their lifetime (therapies, etc.), that doesn’t mean I’ll be paying the other the cash I didn’t spend on them.

This^^^^

We have provided for all of our kids whatever they have needed thru life. I would be embarrassed if one of my kids was "keeping track" and asked me for more money simply because they went to a cheaper school. All of my kids had the opportunity to attend $80K+ universities if that was what they wanted/got into. One is doing just that at full pay. Other attended a T80 and cost us $160K total for college.

Both will get the same thing when they finish college (or did finish)----whatever help they need to get setup in their first apartment, a safe reliable car (the one they learned to drive on--so not new), and whatever financial help they need the first few years.

Who knows what the future holds. Both might get married and have 5 kids. One might have 2 kids one might have none. What they do is is thatwe will help with future grandkids education and that there isn't a financial prize from us for having less or no kids. Life isn't a competition. Families provide for each other the best they can for the individual needs/circumstnaces.

[Anonymous]

I'm pleasantly surprised at all of the people recommending that you don't keep any kind of precise score. I don't think it's necessarily an easy question to answer, but I tend to fall in this camp myself.

[Anonymous]

If he also was attending a private we would had have to stop funding our retirement for the duration of his education, but now we don’t

First thing, is to admit to yourself at least, that this was poor planning on your part. To have provided for one child what you likely can't provide for the other. Imo. For one thing, make sure you don't let private-school snobbery attitude have any place in your home. Don't accept any talk espousing the advantages of one over another.

For me, I would not discuss the financial difference, while being open to financial help for #2. I would want to do that. If for example, #2 was graduating college and needed a car..... I think at that time you say you'd like to help/or pay and mention you - are able do it - since you had not had the same tuition expense.