What did you do about ‘fairness’ if one child’s education costs a lot more than the other’s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids know I will pay for their undergrad and grad no matter where they go, and going somewhere cheaper does not net them the cash.

This^. You pay whatever their education costs, no fairness bonuses. What you can do is to help them with their grad school to make it fair.

[Anonymous]

My mother paid for college for both my sister and me. Not until this very moment did it ever occur to me to consider for whom she paid more, and I graduated more than 20 years ago. It should not even be a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is at a private college and my DS will be attending an in-state public.

If he also was attending a private we would had have to stop funding our retirement for the duration of his education, but now we don’t

If any of you are/were in a similar position, how did you feel about the “fairness”? Did you even address it? fwiw DD is taking $3500 subsidized loans annually and DS doesn’t have to take out any loans, which he will know.

My parents gave me money to make up for it- but siblings went private, I did in state at Cornell ( one sibling also went to Cornell but chose a private college there)- I don't think it was exact amount but they're always good about trying to make things equal financially. Though my siblings both had masters/law degree that I assume my parents helped with whereas I did a fully funded PhD.

[Anonymous]

Firmly in the fair does not mean equal camp. Each child gets what they need (in this case, to graduate from their school of choice debt free).

[Anonymous]

This happened before college. One child needed to go to a private high school, but the others didn't. We could not afford the private high school for the others, even though it was a better school. The others didn't like their public high school, but they never complained that their sibling got to go to a better school. They knew their sibling needed the private school, so I guess they considered that "fair." They all went to public colleges at nearly the same cost, tho one of them got significant scholarships. No complaints from that child that we'd spent more money on the others. They understand we are fair to each of them: they get what they need, not what they want.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to make it equal in terms of dollars.

If both kids got thru the college if their choice (of ability ) loan-free, you have done your job.

You are a family, not an accounting firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They understand we are fair to each of them: they get what they need, not what they want.

I think going strictly based on need can set up a dynamic where it can be unfair, especially if there is an element of individual choice that created the need. If the lack of getting a summer job or studying for the SAT meant a parent had to pay more for one kid and could offer less to the other - is that fair?

In situations where the need is created by something out of their control (say a medical situation) and quite frankly it does impact what can be offered in terms of time and resource for the other kids, at a fundamental level your children have to understand life isn’t fair - not to the person thru no fault of their own needed the extra resources and not to rest of the family that has to perhaps make a personal sacrifice of something they wanted to support the sibling getting the resources they need. That said as a parent, quite honestly we have probably have done some things that were wants vs needs (related to schools and activities) for one of our kids because if we only used need as a yardstick it would have been very easy to focus on their sibling to the exclusion of all else.

[Anonymous]

I am of the opinion that fair is not the same. With that said, my oldest went in state and we have the means to pay for his master's degree. My younger child goes to a private college (which was the right fit for him) and he will graduate without loans. We will not have the means to cover his graduate degree if needed. Both of my kids will start adulting with no debt, a car that works and some savings to set up a first home.

[Anonymous]

I had twins and I told both of them at the age of 12 that each of them had 400K in education fund for wherever they chose to study. They get whatever left in that fund after graduation. DD attended Ivy and had $0 left after finishing her master degree while DS attended a state university on a scholarship for both BS and MS in Computer Science. He got 400k to start his new life. DD could have done the same thing but she decided to attend Ivy. FFIW, DS is making three times more than DD. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to make it equal in terms of dollars.

If both kids got thru the college if their choice (of ability ) loan-free, you have done your job.

You are a family, not an accounting firm.

+100 Also, I would be really upset if my kids ever mentioned “fairness” and the differing costs of sibling’s education. It would feel like a failure of some sort. It seems competitive and mean spirited if there was this animosity between siblings.
-Parent of 4 kids (some attend/attended $85k schools and some $40k schools).

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t give this any thought. It’s not supposed to be “equal.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Fair does not mean equal. I have taught my kids this since they were very young. Everyone gets what is right for them.

This is such BS. You are ALL knowing? Of course I would need specifics to be entitled to my outrage. But, generally ... as long as no child is an extreme outliner re: needs, people DO care a lot re: fairness. If you aren't fair, it will forever harm your relationship with them and their relationship with each other.

Only if you raised entitled brats. If you raise your kids correctly, they won't be obsessed with "Sib X got $YK so I deserve $YK as well". Our kids are thankful for all we do to help them. The one who "got less growing up" is now attending college over $80K/year. The one who needed tons of therapies and interventions growing up (costing us well over $100K+) went to college with merit awards and only cost $160K total. Neither cares, because they know we will support them along the way with whatever they need (ie should they need something at 25 and not be able to afford it, we will help). However, if you raise your kids to think "everyone gets $20, and if one gets 25, then the other is due an extra $5" then you are raising kids to keep track and want tit for tat. Not healthy IMO. Life is never "fair", and I don't raise my kids to think they are entitled to exactly the same monetary rewards---they are entitled to getting whatever they need at that point in life to help them succeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in this case it's fair, but if one child got significant scholarship or a full ride, I would give them the cash for a down payment after they graduate and establish a career.

I think this is well-intentioned but not necessarily the right move based on my experience. As the only kid (of three) who got a full ride to college, I would have loved a stack of cash upon graduation for my efforts but the reality is that now, twenty years later, the same innate advantages that got me a full ride have meant that over time (and consistently), I'm the kid who needs the least ongoing financial support. My brother and sister both need semi-frequent financial support and if my parents had given me $40k to get a condo or something that would be less for them and less for the general "good of the family" including grandkids. And the reality is, that would mean that I would be the one getting calls for financial support, and it could (hopefully wouldn't, but let's be honest) strain my relationship with my siblings and nephews.

If one of my kids got a full ride, I would definitely think about allocating some surplus college savings for down payments or weddings or whatever other fully-discretionary parental support option on the table, but still divided equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had twins and I told both of them at the age of 12 that each of them had 400K in education fund for wherever they chose to study. They get whatever left in that fund after graduation. DD attended Ivy and had $0 left after finishing her master degree while DS attended a state university on a scholarship for both BS and MS in Computer Science. He got 400k to start his new life. DD could have done the same thing but she decided to attend Ivy. FFIW, DS is making three times more than DD. Go figure.

I'm a PP that did a very similar thing and got a very similar outcome, but it was all in the open and the kids knew what their choices were.

[Anonymous]

We have twins and the cost difference between their colleges will end up being about $80k after four years. We treat our whole family as a single unit and no one is worried about “fairness” in terms of spending equal amounts (and yes, the kids are aware of what their school and their sibling’s school each cost). They are both at excellent colleges and ones that feel right for their needs.