Family can't take a hint - Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people assume you'll take off Wednesday and Friday. And that you'd want everyone to be with the baby. And you'd want to spend a holiday together.
You may not agree with any of those assumptions, but that's where your family is coming from.

I agree with this. Those are not wild assumptions. If OP can’t take any time off to spend time with them she should tell them right now (should have already told them when she said they should stay in a hotel). Either she’s very stressed out or she doesn’t like her family or it’s a combo of both.

OP here - ding ding ding, we have a winner! And I hate conflict. So here we are.

This isn't accurate. What you hate, as a woman, is not pleasing everyone. This is because society teaches women to be accommodating and people pleasers.

There's no conflict here. There can't be conflict when one party hasn't clearly stated their position. You never said "We are not hosting Thanksgiving this year. We will see you at Christmas."

OP here again. You are misunderstanding me. When I say I hate conflict I mean I hate having to have unpleasant conversations that will most definitely result in hurting their feelings.

I don't know why you are all placing the blame on me when I've literally done nothing to bring this upon myself. DH and I were just planning to do our own thing all along. The blame lies squarely with them for imposing. I barely ever speak 1:1 with my sister and speak to my mom once or twice a month, so she cooked up this plan in her head all by herself, booked flights for everyone and then told me after the fact, betting I wouldn't have the guts to tell them to cancel, and they were right.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND TELL THEM YOU WANT TO BE ALONE FOR THANKSGIVING. You're the worst, OP. Open your ninny mouth and muster a few syllables. The sooner you do, the sooner you will stop whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people assume you'll take off Wednesday and Friday. And that you'd want everyone to be with the baby. And you'd want to spend a holiday together.
You may not agree with any of those assumptions, but that's where your family is coming from.

I agree with this. Those are not wild assumptions. If OP can’t take any time off to spend time with them she should tell them right now (should have already told them when she said they should stay in a hotel). Either she’s very stressed out or she doesn’t like her family or it’s a combo of both.

OP here - ding ding ding, we have a winner! And I hate conflict. So here we are.

This isn't accurate. What you hate, as a woman, is not pleasing everyone. This is because society teaches women to be accommodating and people pleasers.

There's no conflict here. There can't be conflict when one party hasn't clearly stated their position. You never said "We are not hosting Thanksgiving this year. We will see you at Christmas."

OP here again. You are misunderstanding me. When I say I hate conflict I mean I hate having to have unpleasant conversations that will most definitely result in hurting their feelings.

I don't know why you are all placing the blame on me when I've literally done nothing to bring this upon myself. DH and I were just planning to do our own thing all along. The blame lies squarely with them for imposing. I barely ever speak 1:1 with my sister and speak to my mom once or twice a month, so she cooked up this plan in her head all by herself, booked flights for everyone and then told me after the fact, betting I wouldn't have the guts to tell them to cancel, and they were right.

You have done something to bring this on yourself, though: When they announced the plan, you didn't say: "I hope the tickets are refundable, because we're spending Thanksgiving just the four of us this year. Things have been incredibly hectic, and we need some downtime with just us." You offered reasons that maybe it might not be a great idea for them to come, and they found ways to work around your objections.

I've had people try to invite themselves to things, and the less explanation, the better. "No, it's just going to be us" has no work-around, because once other people show up, it's not just us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people assume you'll take off Wednesday and Friday. And that you'd want everyone to be with the baby. And you'd want to spend a holiday together.
You may not agree with any of those assumptions, but that's where your family is coming from.

I agree with this. Those are not wild assumptions. If OP can’t take any time off to spend time with them she should tell them right now (should have already told them when she said they should stay in a hotel). Either she’s very stressed out or she doesn’t like her family or it’s a combo of both.

OP here - ding ding ding, we have a winner! And I hate conflict. So here we are.

This isn't accurate. What you hate, as a woman, is not pleasing everyone. This is because society teaches women to be accommodating and people pleasers.

There's no conflict here. There can't be conflict when one party hasn't clearly stated their position. You never said "We are not hosting Thanksgiving this year. We will see you at Christmas."

OP here again. You are misunderstanding me. When I say I hate conflict I mean I hate having to have unpleasant conversations that will most definitely result in hurting their feelings.

I don't know why you are all placing the blame on me when I've literally done nothing to bring this upon myself. DH and I were just planning to do our own thing all along. The blame lies squarely with them for imposing. I barely ever speak 1:1 with my sister and speak to my mom once or twice a month, so she cooked up this plan in her head all by herself, booked flights for everyone and then told me after the fact, betting I wouldn't have the guts to tell them to cancel, and they were right.

OP you have two choices..

1. Reward your parents for booking things before asking and assuming you don’t have the guts to say no. You avoid the uncomfortable fit they throw when you say no but then you are going to have to deal with more uncomfortable conversations when you say no to piling everyone into your house, waiting on everyone, taking off work to be tour guide etc.

2. Say no now. They will have a fit but it’s over the phone. End the conversation and put it out of your head. You don’t need to own their bad behavior.

I understand that you are venting that your parents have bull dozed over you and are forcing you to either capitulate to all their wants or make it uncomfortable for you to give a hard no. Pushy people who invite themselves are the worst. They smell reluctance to uncomfortable conversations and prey on people pleasers. It always seemed rude to me to just say no as a complete sentence. I grew up where you would say no and make up a polite reason why you couldn’t do X. The other person would graciously accept and save face that they weren’t harshly rejected. Then I met my in laws where any reason for no becomes a personal challenge to address and bull doze into getting what they wanted. I have since learned that a sharp no and simply hanging up when the rage fit ensues is the only way to deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would say:

"Sorry, but we don't want overnight guests at this time. It's too much to handle with the infant and toddler. You'll have to sleep at an hotel and organize your own transportation."

And if they're angry, well that's a THEM problem.

I did. They were huffy about the hotel for a hot minute but seem to have moved on and are "looking forward to spending time together". Again - they just can't take a hint. I would never dream of traveling to someone's town for Thanksgiving without an explicit invitation and expect them to play tour guide and host several meals for 4 days.

So step up and tell them you are NOT up for guests.

If you cannot manage to do that, then thank them for booking a hotel and their own transportation and provide a list of the times you are ABLE to visit with them. I'd say from Noon to 5pm on THrusady and maybe 2 hours on Sat. And that's it. Stick to the schedule and don't back down.

[Anonymous]

OP it's good you stood up to them re hotel. See? You can do it! Keep doing it. Tell them you were not intending on any guests this year or making a big meal. You'll be having dinner at 5PM on Thursday and ordering from Whole Foods. They can bring any must have sides. You'll have them over Friday at 2 for leftovers. You're not available for outings because of the kids. They'll grumble but just like they found a hotel they will figure out stuff to do.

Don't make the dinner particularly fancy either. Use paper plates if you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would say:

"Sorry, but we don't want overnight guests at this time. It's too much to handle with the infant and toddler. You'll have to sleep at an hotel and organize your own transportation."

And if they're angry, well that's a THEM problem.

+1

You need to be direct and set a firm boundary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people assume you'll take off Wednesday and Friday. And that you'd want everyone to be with the baby. And you'd want to spend a holiday together.
You may not agree with any of those assumptions, but that's where your family is coming from.

I agree with this. Those are not wild assumptions. If OP can’t take any time off to spend time with them she should tell them right now (should have already told them when she said they should stay in a hotel). Either she’s very stressed out or she doesn’t like her family or it’s a combo of both.

OP here - ding ding ding, we have a winner! And I hate conflict. So here we are.

This isn't accurate. What you hate, as a woman, is not pleasing everyone. This is because society teaches women to be accommodating and people pleasers.

There's no conflict here. There can't be conflict when one party hasn't clearly stated their position. You never said "We are not hosting Thanksgiving this year. We will see you at Christmas."

OP here again. You are misunderstanding me. When I say I hate conflict I mean I hate having to have unpleasant conversations that will most definitely result in hurting their feelings.

I don't know why you are all placing the blame on me when I've literally done nothing to bring this upon myself. DH and I were just planning to do our own thing all along. The blame lies squarely with them for imposing. I barely ever speak 1:1 with my sister and speak to my mom once or twice a month, so she cooked up this plan in her head all by herself, booked flights for everyone and then told me after the fact, betting I wouldn't have the guts to tell them to cancel, and they were right.

It’s super, super frustrating to see someone go through all this nonsense when it would be so much easier to set boundaries. No one can impose on you if you don’t let them! That’s why everyone is so exasperated. Not because you caused the problem but because you can easily solve it and yet you will not.

[Anonymous]

Your doing what you need to do to take care of yourself is not hurting them. They are in charge of themselves and their feelings. You are not hurting their feelings by wanting to be alone. Until you truly believe that, you will not set the boundaries you need to set.

[Anonymous]

Read this: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/11/10/carolyn-hax-annual-holiday-travel-done/

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel like you have to set your boundaries now or else you have some painful years ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

Well you can choose to ignore us and stay a victim all your life, OP, if that suits you better.

Or you can learn to push back on people who impose on you. You don't need to be a victim. People who stand up for themselves sometimes have to be uncomfortable when they say blunt things. You need to be OK with embracing that persona.

More so as your kids grow. Your kids will push your boundaries, and you will need to use authority.

[Anonymous]

When I see an OP like this who keeps coming back and not taking any responsibility, and blames posters for not understanding, I often wonder if it's a troll seeing how many pages she can get on her thread.

If that isn't it, OP, you really have to either suck it up and deal with your inability to set boundaries or tell them you can't deal with guests for Thanksgiving this year. One or the other.

[Anonymous]

You didn’t hint, OP. I literally don’t see a single hint in your description. I’m not blaming you. I do this all the time, where I think I’ve said something clearly that I definitely did not say. But if you want to spend the holiday with just your immediate family, you need to say that, not “we’re not up for traveling.” Similar with small guest room etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not really a question just a vent. DH and I are in the NYC suburbs and have two young children - a toddler and a baby born this summer. We both have grown siblings who live in other parts of the country, although his parents are local (mine are not). We told everyone earlier that we weren't up for traveling this year and secretly just looking forward to a quiet Thanksgiving at home with our little nuclear family. DH's parents will be traveling to visit his sibling for Thanksgiving, but we are fine not spending a holiday with them this year as we see them all the time. My parents are great on paper but are just a lot to handle in more than small doses, they expect to be waited on hand and foot and want to be "helpful" but are anything but.

Well my parents just can't help themselves and "felt bad that we would be all alone" so also decided to come for Thanksgiving (they are already coming a few weeks later for Christmas) and invite my sister (who I am not close with), her husband and their toddler. I told them they can make whatever travel plans they want but we only have 1 small guest room and gave them a few hotel options, to which they replied they would be fine staying on an air mattress (presumably making me move my kids around to free up one of their rooms) and they were very upset. WTH?!? Just because they are "fine on an air mattress" does not mean I am fine having uninvited overnight house guests (4 adults and an extra toddler) for 4 days?!?

They also asked if we could take them into the city on Wednesday or Friday and give them a tour as there "isn't much to do" in our suburb. I told them to knock themselves out as I will be busy still working and preparing for the 8 person meal I never signed up to host. UGH.

I would just tell them this doesn't work and they cannot stay at your house and you cannot take them to the City at all. If they get angry then so be it. They are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Put all their air mattresses side by side in the one guest room, send a picture, and say you’ve ordered a supermarket Thanksgiving package and are ready for company. Ask if they need transit passes to go into the city or if they want to just Uber themselves.