Family can't take a hint - Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Not really a question just a vent. DH and I are in the NYC suburbs and have two young children - a toddler and a baby born this summer. We both have grown siblings who live in other parts of the country, although his parents are local (mine are not). We told everyone earlier that we weren't up for traveling this year and secretly just looking forward to a quiet Thanksgiving at home with our little nuclear family. DH's parents will be traveling to visit his sibling for Thanksgiving, but we are fine not spending a holiday with them this year as we see them all the time. My parents are great on paper but are just a lot to handle in more than small doses, they expect to be waited on hand and foot and want to be "helpful" but are anything but.

Well my parents just can't help themselves and "felt bad that we would be all alone" so also decided to come for Thanksgiving (they are already coming a few weeks later for Christmas) and invite my sister (who I am not close with), her husband and their toddler. I told them they can make whatever travel plans they want but we only have 1 small guest room and gave them a few hotel options, to which they replied they would be fine staying on an air mattress (presumably making me move my kids around to free up one of their rooms) and they were very upset. WTH?!? Just because they are "fine on an air mattress" does not mean I am fine having uninvited overnight house guests (4 adults and an extra toddler) for 4 days?!?

They also asked if we could take them into the city on Wednesday or Friday and give them a tour as there "isn't much to do" in our suburb. I told them to knock themselves out as I will be busy still working and preparing for the 8 person meal I never signed up to host. UGH.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I would say we don't want newborn to catch covid so no visitors.

[Anonymous]

Stop wasting time and shut it down now. You're not canceling your invitations, you're canceling self-invites.

[Anonymous]

Woah. Just say no, you don't want to host. You're struggling being a mom of 2 and want a quiet holiday. Just keep saying no.

They aren't getting it because you aren't being clear.

[Anonymous]

I would say:

"Sorry, but we don't want overnight guests at this time. It's too much to handle with the infant and toddler. You'll have to sleep at an hotel and organize your own transportation."

And if they're angry, well that's a THEM problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woah. Just say no, you don't want to host. You're struggling being a mom of 2 and want a quiet holiday. Just keep saying no.

They aren't getting it because you aren't being clear.

+1 Call your sister now and tell her you told Mom and Dad no and they then created this plan. You love her but just aren't up for it and wanted to let her know directly that you are saying no and that your next call is to Mom and Dad to tell them no. BUT you can't let your Mom and Dad come and not sister at this point or it will further strain your relationship as it will seem personal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would say:

"Sorry, but we don't want overnight guests at this time. It's too much to handle with the infant and toddler. You'll have to sleep at an hotel and organize your own transportation."

And if they're angry, well that's a THEM problem.

I did. They were huffy about the hotel for a hot minute but seem to have moved on and are "looking forward to spending time together". Again - they just can't take a hint. I would never dream of traveling to someone's town for Thanksgiving without an explicit invitation and expect them to play tour guide and host several meals for 4 days.

[Anonymous]

Clear is kind.

"This year, hosting just doesn't work for us. We're taking this year 'off' and just celebrating quietly at home. I hope you have a great time getting together with Sam and Janie if that's what you end up doing."

[Anonymous]

If they "can't take the hint," you stop hinting and you start communicating.

Are you an adult or not? Are you protecting your family's peace and best interests or not?

[Anonymous]

OP, stop being a drama queen. Be grateful your family wants to visit you. Call your sister and tell her that you’d love to have everyone but that you can’t fit them in your place and help them find an Airbnb nearby that they can stay in. And also tell your sister that you won’t be able to chaperone the parents into the city. In other words, just grow a pair and use your voice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would say:

"Sorry, but we don't want overnight guests at this time. It's too much to handle with the infant and toddler. You'll have to sleep at an hotel and organize your own transportation."

And if they're angry, well that's a THEM problem.

I did. They were huffy about the hotel for a hot minute but seem to have moved on and are "looking forward to spending time together". Again - they just can't take a hint. I would never dream of traveling to someone's town for Thanksgiving without an explicit invitation and expect them to play tour guide and host several meals for 4 days.

OP, if you do not want them to come at all, vs. not wanting to host overnight guests, that's a different conversation, and I agree with the others that they are not to blame if you don't use explicit words. You might think it's rude to just invite yourself over, but in some families, that's what close relatives do.

If they haven't made reservations yet, you can say:

"We've thought about this, and are stressed out right now, and we'd rather see you at Christmas instead. We'll have a quiet Thanksgiving just the 4 of us."

[Anonymous]

You know these people and you know they can't take a hint. Sorry OP, but you set yourself up for this.

[Anonymous]

There is no way in heck you should cook anything. I get why you might not want to tell them to go to hell. But you can have bagels and pizza delivered. See if you can stilll order honey baked Turkey and sides and call it a day. There people are obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Why are you giving hints and not just saying what you mean? You’re playing these games with words and expect them to read your mind or not take you at face value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woah. Just say no, you don't want to host. You're struggling being a mom of 2 and want a quiet holiday. Just keep saying no.

They aren't getting it because you aren't being clear.

+1. Op, why weren’t you direct?