Family can't take a hint - Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know these people and you know they can't take a hint. Sorry OP, but you set yourself up for this.

NP and I agree. My husband is exactly like OP and it’s SO annoying. Then the spouse gets to deal with a huffy OP and it’s like ??? Just use your words and shut this down and we will all be better off.

[Anonymous]

I knew this was a problem just from reading the title of the thread. If we have learned nothing else from DCUM, surely we have learned that you cannot HINT to family. You must kindly and firmly state what you want.

OP, you have to tell your family that with a new baby and a toddler, this year you are taking Thanksgiving off, and you definitely aren't taking a new baby into the City. If they want to stay at a hotel and do the tourist thing on their own, great, but you will just see them at a nearby restaurant for dinner one night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Why are you giving hints and not just saying what you mean? You’re playing these games with words and expect them to read your mind or not take you at face value.

I guess I am just venting because I resent being put in either a.) the position of having to have a blunt and uncomfortable conversation that will hurt their feelings - state clearly that we would genuinely rather be alone for the holiday than deal with their company or b.) suck it up and deal with having them in town, which as I said before, they are free to make any travel plans they want, and will have to do some hosting duties but not roll out the red carpet.

Again, this would be so much easier if they could just take a hint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Why are you giving hints and not just saying what you mean? You’re playing these games with words and expect them to read your mind or not take you at face value.

I guess I am just venting because I resent being put in either a.) the position of having to have a blunt and uncomfortable conversation that will hurt their feelings - state clearly that we would genuinely rather be alone for the holiday than deal with their company or b.) suck it up and deal with having them in town, which as I said before, they are free to make any travel plans they want, and will have to do some hosting duties but not roll out the red carpet.

Again, this would be so much easier if they could just take a hint.

Welcome to being an adult. Get over yourself and open your mouth. Own your choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Why are you giving hints and not just saying what you mean? You’re playing these games with words and expect them to read your mind or not take you at face value.

I guess I am just venting because I resent being put in either a.) the position of having to have a blunt and uncomfortable conversation that will hurt their feelings - state clearly that we would genuinely rather be alone for the holiday than deal with their company or b.) suck it up and deal with having them in town, which as I said before, they are free to make any travel plans they want, and will have to do some hosting duties but not roll out the red carpet.

Again, this would be so much easier if they could just take a hint.

Wow, OP, you are still trying to blame others rather than be an adult. This is your fault. Adults don't "hint", at least mature adults. You just have to tell them it doesn't work for you this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would say:

"Sorry, but we don't want overnight guests at this time. It's too much to handle with the infant and toddler. You'll have to sleep at an hotel and organize your own transportation."

And if they're angry, well that's a THEM problem.

I did. They were huffy about the hotel for a hot minute but seem to have moved on and are "looking forward to spending time together". Again - they just can't take a hint. I would never dream of traveling to someone's town for Thanksgiving without an explicit invitation and expect them to play tour guide and host several meals for 4 days.

OP, if you do not want them to come at all, vs. not wanting to host overnight guests, that's a different conversation, and I agree with the others that they are not to blame if you don't use explicit words. You might think it's rude to just invite yourself over, but in some families, that's what close relatives do.

If they haven't made reservations yet, you can say:

"We've thought about this, and are stressed out right now, and we'd rather see you at Christmas instead. We'll have a quiet Thanksgiving just the 4 of us."

Exactly.

And if they made reservations while OP was dithering, it's time to find takeout that the visitors can pick up for everyone. I don't think OP can absolutely refuse to have them over because she didn't make herself clear when this first started happening. But she can absolutely make her family understand that inviting themselves is making work for themselves.

[Anonymous]

You sound far too immature to have children of your own.

[Anonymous]

You think you’re being clear, but you’re not. You say you said no but in the same post indicate you’re planning to cook a meal, so you’re backtracking there.

[Anonymous]

I’m like OP, i have such a hard time saying no to my family and they’re utterly tone deaf. My parents like to come for 10-14 days visits (no, they don’t live far away)

Maybe you feel Covid coming on?

[Anonymous]

Your hints suck. 'We only have 1 small guest room' is apparently a hint to you; to them it's you trying to be nice to let them know that it will be crowded, which is why you got the response that they are fine with being crowded. What hint did you give that you didn't want them to come at all?

"We don't want visitors this Thanksgiving; we're looking forward to seeing you at Christmas.' is what you wanted.

You wanted to avoid them being huffy so you didn't tell them what you wanted - how did that work out for you? They still got huffy and now you have visitors anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Why are you giving hints and not just saying what you mean? You’re playing these games with words and expect them to read your mind or not take you at face value.

I guess I am just venting because I resent being put in either a.) the position of having to have a blunt and uncomfortable conversation that will hurt their feelings - state clearly that we would genuinely rather be alone for the holiday than deal with their company or b.) suck it up and deal with having them in town, which as I said before, they are free to make any travel plans they want, and will have to do some hosting duties but not roll out the red carpet.

Again, this would be so much easier if they could just take a hint.

You can be clear and kind. “Blunt” has negative connotations, but there is a way to communicate without being rude or negative. Vent away, but you just have to understand that giving hints and hinting is not an efficient way of communication.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize but also encourage you to be direct.

If you don't just say "we need you to stay in a hotel" it's kind of unfair to expect them to read in between the lines when you are offering a guest room. It does't have to be like that though -- just tell them!

[Anonymous]

Call your sister. My guess is that she isn't super into having to travel with a toddler and stay in this cramped scenario. Tell her that your parents turned it into this whole thing and that you're not up for it. Then call you parents and tell them that this isn't going to work, that you'll see them at Christmas, and that your sister is also on board with skipping this Thanksgiving gathering.

[Anonymous]

Most people assume you'll take off Wednesday and Friday. And that you'd want everyone to be with the baby. And you'd want to spend a holiday together.
You may not agree with any of those assumptions, but that's where your family is coming from.

[Anonymous]

I hope this is a good learning experience because it’s really ok to want to do holidays alone sometimes. It doesn’t have to be a secret you can just say “this is our first thanksgiving as a family of 4 and I want to spend it alone. Sorry if I didn’t make that clear at first.”