Family can't take a hint - Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Why are you giving hints and not just saying what you mean? You’re playing these games with words and expect them to read your mind or not take you at face value.

I guess I am just venting because I resent being put in either a.) the position of having to have a blunt and uncomfortable conversation that will hurt their feelings - state clearly that we would genuinely rather be alone for the holiday than deal with their company or b.) suck it up and deal with having them in town, which as I said before, they are free to make any travel plans they want, and will have to do some hosting duties but not roll out the red carpet.

Again, this would be so much easier if they could just take a hint.

I feel this and I hear you. Them putting you in this position sucks. I understand why you are venting.

I like the idea that calling your sister and seeing if she even wants a come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they "can't take the hint," you stop hinting and you start communicating.

Are you an adult or not? Are you protecting your family's peace and best interests or not?

Yes this. Stop hinting and start straight talk.

I bet you've also hedged and acted like you were bummed to be alone when really you weren't. Stop doing that.

[Anonymous]

If you're only going to offer "hints," then you forfeit the right to complain and "vent" when it's not working out the way you want. The entire fault in this situation is squarely on you.

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband approaches holidays with his family in the same way as you and it is SO annoying. Your spouse doesn't want this, please step up and use your words (even if it's hard) for the rest of your family.

[Anonymous]

The second thing I thought after shaking my head re: taking a hint, was: DH's family is going to be p*ssed that they get blown off "seemingly" because their DIL wanted to spend the time with her own family.

OP, you've made a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If you're only going to offer "hints," then you forfeit the right to complain and "vent" when it's not working out the way you want. The entire fault in this situation is squarely on you.

+100. Stop laying down and then complaining when they treat you like a doormat. Get up, use your words, and stop "venting" about a problem YOU created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people assume you'll take off Wednesday and Friday. And that you'd want everyone to be with the baby. And you'd want to spend a holiday together.
You may not agree with any of those assumptions, but that's where your family is coming from.

I agree with this. Those are not wild assumptions. If OP can’t take any time off to spend time with them she should tell them right now (should have already told them when she said they should stay in a hotel). Either she’s very stressed out or she doesn’t like her family or it’s a combo of both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people assume you'll take off Wednesday and Friday. And that you'd want everyone to be with the baby. And you'd want to spend a holiday together.
You may not agree with any of those assumptions, but that's where your family is coming from.

I agree with this. Those are not wild assumptions. If OP can’t take any time off to spend time with them she should tell them right now (should have already told them when she said they should stay in a hotel). Either she’s very stressed out or she doesn’t like her family or it’s a combo of both.

OP here - ding ding ding, we have a winner! And I hate conflict. So here we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband approaches holidays with his family in the same way as you and it is SO annoying. Your spouse doesn't want this, please step up and use your words (even if it's hard) for the rest of your family.

mine too. Just say it.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I feel like the family is being obtuse if they respond to "we only have a small bedroom" with "we'll sleep on an air mattress!" when the OP has a newborn and they've already invited additional people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people assume you'll take off Wednesday and Friday. And that you'd want everyone to be with the baby. And you'd want to spend a holiday together.
You may not agree with any of those assumptions, but that's where your family is coming from.

I agree with this. Those are not wild assumptions. If OP can’t take any time off to spend time with them she should tell them right now (should have already told them when she said they should stay in a hotel). Either she’s very stressed out or she doesn’t like her family or it’s a combo of both.

OP here - ding ding ding, we have a winner! And I hate conflict. So here we are.

This isn't accurate. What you hate, as a woman, is not pleasing everyone. This is because society teaches women to be accommodating and people pleasers.

There's no conflict here. There can't be conflict when one party hasn't clearly stated their position. You never said "We are not hosting Thanksgiving this year. We will see you at Christmas."

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't seem to be "taking the hint" that you bear the brunt of the blame because you won't be a grown-up and clearly state what you want to do and intend to do.

So there's that. Since we're talking about people who "won't take the hint."

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the "hint" that they picked up on when you said you weren't traveling this year was that they should make plans to travel to see you.

Hence the wild ineffectiveness of hints.

I'm sorry OP, I get why you are venting and stressed. Is the expectation that you are hosting for Xmas when they visit next month? If it is, I would firmly say no and cancel all these Thanksgiving plans. You do not need to put yourself through this twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people assume you'll take off Wednesday and Friday. And that you'd want everyone to be with the baby. And you'd want to spend a holiday together.
You may not agree with any of those assumptions, but that's where your family is coming from.

I agree with this. Those are not wild assumptions. If OP can’t take any time off to spend time with them she should tell them right now (should have already told them when she said they should stay in a hotel). Either she’s very stressed out or she doesn’t like her family or it’s a combo of both.

OP here - ding ding ding, we have a winner! And I hate conflict. So here we are.

I hate conflict too, but clear communication helps avoid it. Now you have conflict, hurt feelings, and unwanted guests. Might as well only have the first two.

“Sorry, that won’t work for us. See you at Christmas!” - just say that. No other reasons or your family will try to solve the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people assume you'll take off Wednesday and Friday. And that you'd want everyone to be with the baby. And you'd want to spend a holiday together.
You may not agree with any of those assumptions, but that's where your family is coming from.

I agree with this. Those are not wild assumptions. If OP can’t take any time off to spend time with them she should tell them right now (should have already told them when she said they should stay in a hotel). Either she’s very stressed out or she doesn’t like her family or it’s a combo of both.

OP here - ding ding ding, we have a winner! And I hate conflict. So here we are.

This isn't accurate. What you hate, as a woman, is not pleasing everyone. This is because society teaches women to be accommodating and people pleasers.

There's no conflict here. There can't be conflict when one party hasn't clearly stated their position. You never said "We are not hosting Thanksgiving this year. We will see you at Christmas."

OP here again. You are misunderstanding me. When I say I hate conflict I mean I hate having to have unpleasant conversations that will most definitely result in hurting their feelings.

I don't know why you are all placing the blame on me when I've literally done nothing to bring this upon myself. DH and I were just planning to do our own thing all along. The blame lies squarely with them for imposing. I barely ever speak 1:1 with my sister and speak to my mom once or twice a month, so she cooked up this plan in her head all by herself, booked flights for everyone and then told me after the fact, betting I wouldn't have the guts to tell them to cancel, and they were right.