Family can't take a hint - Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clear is kind.

"This year, hosting just doesn't work for us. We're taking this year 'off' and just celebrating quietly at home. I hope you have a great time getting together with Sam and Janie if that's what you end up doing."

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people assume you'll take off Wednesday and Friday. And that you'd want everyone to be with the baby. And you'd want to spend a holiday together.
You may not agree with any of those assumptions, but that's where your family is coming from.

I agree with this. Those are not wild assumptions. If OP can’t take any time off to spend time with them she should tell them right now (should have already told them when she said they should stay in a hotel). Either she’s very stressed out or she doesn’t like her family or it’s a combo of both.

OP here - ding ding ding, we have a winner! And I hate conflict. So here we are.

This isn't accurate. What you hate, as a woman, is not pleasing everyone. This is because society teaches women to be accommodating and people pleasers.

There's no conflict here. There can't be conflict when one party hasn't clearly stated their position. You never said "We are not hosting Thanksgiving this year. We will see you at Christmas."

OP here again. You are misunderstanding me. When I say I hate conflict I mean I hate having to have unpleasant conversations that will most definitely result in hurting their feelings.

I don't know why you are all placing the blame on me when I've literally done nothing to bring this upon myself. DH and I were just planning to do our own thing all along. The blame lies squarely with them for imposing. I barely ever speak 1:1 with my sister and speak to my mom once or twice a month, so she cooked up this plan in her head all by herself, booked flights for everyone and then told me after the fact, betting I wouldn't have the guts to tell them to cancel, and they were right.

Remember this, the only people who get upset when you set a boundary are the ones who benefitted from you not having boundaries.

Nothing wrong with setting a boundary.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read most of the posts, but if your parents aren’t the type to be over the top helpful with making all meals, helping with the newborn, and cleaning, then you need to shut down the self-invite. Otherwise the additional labor will be too much.

[Anonymous]

You speak your mind. No hinting. If they are inlaws, your husband does this.

You have children now -- consider it teaching them a value: say what they mean, mean what you say

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, stop being a drama queen. Be grateful your family wants to visit you. Call your sister and tell her that you’d love to have everyone but that you can’t fit them in your place and help them find an Airbnb nearby that they can stay in. And also tell your sister that you won’t be able to chaperone the parents into the city. In other words, just grow a pair and use your voice.

Get the heLL out of here. You're Crazy Mil Lady, aren't you? You are unbearable - much like a broken record. Op, contact this Crazy Mil who has no life or hobbies. She'll host your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would say:

"Sorry, but we don't want overnight guests at this time. It's too much to handle with the infant and toddler. You'll have to sleep at an hotel and organize your own transportation."

And if they're angry, well that's a THEM problem.

I did. They were huffy about the hotel for a hot minute but seem to have moved on and are "looking forward to spending time together". Again - they just can't take a hint. I would never dream of traveling to someone's town for Thanksgiving without an explicit invitation and expect them to play tour guide and host several meals for 4 days.

OP, if you do not want them to come at all, vs. not wanting to host overnight guests, that's a different conversation, and I agree with the others that they are not to blame if you don't use explicit words. You might think it's rude to just invite yourself over, but in some families, that's what close relatives do.

If they haven't made reservations yet, you can say:

"We've thought about this, and are stressed out right now, and we'd rather see you at Christmas instead. We'll have a quiet Thanksgiving just the 4 of us."

Exactly.

And if they made reservations while OP was dithering, it's time to find takeout that the visitors can pick up for everyone. I don't think OP can absolutely refuse to have them over because she didn't make herself clear when this first started happening. But she can absolutely make her family understand that inviting themselves is making work for themselves.

Reservations can be cancelled. I would not let that stop me from telling them they can't come.

Op are you ambivalent about them coming? Lots of people do exactly what Op is doing because they kind of don't want just the nuclear family but know it will be hell and get trapped in a loop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people assume you'll take off Wednesday and Friday. And that you'd want everyone to be with the baby. And you'd want to spend a holiday together.
You may not agree with any of those assumptions, but that's where your family is coming from.

I agree with this. Those are not wild assumptions. If OP can’t take any time off to spend time with them she should tell them right now (should have already told them when she said they should stay in a hotel). Either she’s very stressed out or she doesn’t like her family or it’s a combo of both.

OP here - ding ding ding, we have a winner! And I hate conflict. So here we are.

This isn't accurate. What you hate, as a woman, is not pleasing everyone. This is because society teaches women to be accommodating and people pleasers.

There's no conflict here. There can't be conflict when one party hasn't clearly stated their position. You never said "We are not hosting Thanksgiving this year. We will see you at Christmas."

OP here again. You are misunderstanding me. When I say I hate conflict I mean I hate having to have unpleasant conversations that will most definitely result in hurting their feelings.

I don't know why you are all placing the blame on me when I've literally done nothing to bring this upon myself. DH and I were just planning to do our own thing all along. The blame lies squarely with them for imposing. I barely ever speak 1:1 with my sister and speak to my mom once or twice a month, so she cooked up this plan in her head all by herself, booked flights for everyone and then told me after the fact, betting I wouldn't have the guts to tell them to cancel, and they were right.

Remember this, the only people who get upset when you set a boundary are the ones who benefitted from you not having boundaries.

Nothing wrong with setting a boundary.

DP. Absolutely. And also remember this:

OP, they are going to be mad and huffy whatever you do. That's a freeing thing to realize -- you can't control their responses, and you know they are going to be unhappy with what you have to give.

Might as well make yourself and your own little family happy. Just do it. The punishment is the same, either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they "can't take the hint," you stop hinting and you start communicating.

Are you an adult or not? Are you protecting your family's peace and best interests or not?

This, OP. You can’t just say that your aren’t up for traveling and oh, how sad we won’t be together for thanksgiving. You made a mistake in not being more direct.

(Of course your parents are tone-deaf and rude but you helped contribute to the issue you’ve found yourself in)

[Anonymous]

When did they get their tickets?! I imagine if they just bought them recently they must have been pretty expensive! Biggest travel week of the year and waiting til last minute…

They were definitely in the wrong to book tickets after you indicated you didn’t want visitors but like everyone else here is saying, you must be more direct if you want to avoid this situation in the future. You have to tell them: we are not hosting for thanksgiving this year and we do not want anyone staying in our home at that time. If it’s too late for that this year then keep it in mind for next year.

Even for this year you still need to push back and say “no, we won’t be taking you into the city to sight see. You will need to arrange your own transportation and entertainment.” And/or “no, we won’t be kicking our kids out of their rooms. You need to get your own accommodations.” And/or “no, we won’t be cooking an elaborate meal for thanksgiving. We will order food from ________.” Or whatever other boundaries you need to set up. If you don’t set boundaries now when your kids are little, this type of thing will keep happening over and over again for years.