Fair division of household responsibilities vs. income

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband expected me to do more child raising, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. even though we both work full-time just because he made more, I would lean into and quit. Now you make infinitely more, honey, and I actually have time to do literally everything else for our family. Win win.

Or he could divorce you and he would be totally better off.

Wow you sound like a real gentleman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either he does 50 percent or you quit.

But you should have done this before he burned out.

He could do 33%.
It would be more than he is doing now AND it would be in keeping with his philosophy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either he does 50 percent or you quit.

But you should have done this before he burned out.

Lol.

Hear that daughters!?!

Your hubby, who may or may not be slow at his day job, should decide to pull his weight at home, OR, if he decides not to, you need to quit your career and do everything!

And good luck hiring, training, and managing any nanny, housekeeper or driving sitter because gawd knows he’ll avoid talking to them as well.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband expected me to do more child raising, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. even though we both work full-time just because he made more, I would lean into and quit. Now you make infinitely more, honey, and I actually have time to do literally everything else for our family. Win win.

Or he could divorce you and he would be totally better off.

Sure, and he is free to pursue that option as well. Either way I’m better off.

Why did you marry someone that you hate? Was he the best you could do?

Sorry, this was a hypothetical response to a hypothetical post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

If the surgeon works more hours than the preschool teacher, no. If they work the same number of hours, yes. If the surgeon has a problem with it, he/she can invite the teacher to make homelife his/her job and support their spouse, or they can use their high earnings to outsource. They don’t get to demand a spouse maintain a full time job earning money outside the home PLUS do all the work of a housewife/SAHP. Pick one or the other.

[Anonymous]

This is why I’m not going back full time until my youngest leaves for college. My DH is unable or unwilling to do 50% of parenting. I still love him and he’s still a good father so here we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

Generally, your viewpoint makes no sense. It's as if you read some dusty feminist political tract or women's studies text book that said all chores should be split equally 50/50 and due to an utter lack of understanding of basic economics, never questioned whether the mantra you regurgitate makes any sense.

If my spouse earns 100% of the income for the family and I earn none, then the spouses time is usually going to be far more valuably spent on economic activities. To the extent off time is used to relax and rejuvenate and continue to work the next day, then when we are talking about high earners certainly,I want the spouse to be well rested.

Frankly it is insane for high income spouses to be arguing over this stuff for silly political or feminist influenced reasons.

If you are good at making lots of money why on earth do you think your time is better spent doing menial household chores?

If you insist on spending hours per day doing extra work, stay in the damn office or WFH at your high paying job, thank you. If I am your zero earning spouse I will be more than happy to clean dishes and fold laundry since that is the best use of MY time. But if it is not I will try to spend my time doing something that is the best use of my time.

I am a man and a high earner, so I don’t really follow your point. I don’t make an hourly wage, and working more hours doesn’t necessarily make me more money. That’s how most high earner jobs go. You get paid for something other than hours worked. Nor do I really need more money.

But I don’t think my wife should do 100% of the house work. She certainly does most of it. But if I’m home and not working, I’m not going to sit with my feet up while she does all the house work.

It isn’t about using my time in the highest earning way possible. If that were the case, my wife would work too. It’s about having a nice home life, and that means no one relaxes until everyone does. And it teaches the kids to be contributors, too.

If you are truly a high earner why is your wife doing any housework? Just hire a full time housekeeper and your wife gets to do other stuff. Maybe work that earns money or maybe something else entirely.

"No one relaxes until everyone does"? Are you kidding me?

I have no idea what you do or how much money you make but you sound crazy. You can't be very good at what ever it is you do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either he does 50 percent or you quit.

But you should have done this before he burned out.

Lol.

Hear that daughters!?!

Your hubby, who may or may not be slow at his day job, should decide to pull his weight at home, OR, if he decides not to, you need to quit your career and do everything!

And good luck hiring, training, and managing any nanny, housekeeper or driving sitter because gawd knows he’ll avoid talking to them as well.

Good luck!

Are you dim? We are talking about people who make multiples of their spouse’s income because their spouse mommy-tracked.

You do not effing work if that man doesn’t pull his weight or you are screwing yourself.

Feminism is a damn scam.

And I went to HYP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

If the surgeon works more hours than the preschool teacher, no. If they work the same number of hours, yes. If the surgeon has a problem with it, he/she can invite the teacher to make homelife his/her job and support their spouse, or they can use their high earnings to outsource. They don’t get to demand a spouse maintain a full time job earning money outside the home PLUS do all the work of a housewife/SAHP. Pick one or the other.

I don’t know if this pp is dumb or naive. Real life doesn’t work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

Generally, your viewpoint makes no sense. It's as if you read some dusty feminist political tract or women's studies text book that said all chores should be split equally 50/50 and due to an utter lack of understanding of basic economics, never questioned whether the mantra you regurgitate makes any sense.

If my spouse earns 100% of the income for the family and I earn none, then the spouses time is usually going to be far more valuably spent on economic activities. To the extent off time is used to relax and rejuvenate and continue to work the next day, then when we are talking about high earners certainly,I want the spouse to be well rested.

Frankly it is insane for high income spouses to be arguing over this stuff for silly political or feminist influenced reasons.

If you are good at making lots of money why on earth do you think your time is better spent doing menial household chores?

If you insist on spending hours per day doing extra work, stay in the damn office or WFH at your high paying job, thank you. If I am your zero earning spouse I will be more than happy to clean dishes and fold laundry since that is the best use of MY time. But if it is not I will try to spend my time doing something that is the best use of my time.

I am a man and a high earner, so I don’t really follow your point. I don’t make an hourly wage, and working more hours doesn’t necessarily make me more money. That’s how most high earner jobs go. You get paid for something other than hours worked. Nor do I really need more money.

But I don’t think my wife should do 100% of the house work. She certainly does most of it. But if I’m home and not working, I’m not going to sit with my feet up while she does all the house work.

It isn’t about using my time in the highest earning way possible. If that were the case, my wife would work too. It’s about having a nice home life, and that means no one relaxes until everyone does. And it teaches the kids to be contributors, too.

If you are truly a high earner why is your wife doing any housework? Just hire a full time housekeeper and your wife gets to do other stuff. Maybe work that earns money or maybe something else entirely.

"No one relaxes until everyone does"? Are you kidding me?

I have no idea what you do or how much money you make but you sound crazy. You can't be very good at what ever it is you do

Sorry but he sounds reasonable and responsible to me and you sound like a giant douche.

[Anonymous]

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/fair-play-eve-rodsky/1131176392

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hold up.

Who started calling and poo pooing your new higher paying, $100k job “following your passion”? Him?

Do not let him reframe things as put downs.

She quit finance to take a passion job before they even had kids. It was fine when he bankrolled her lifestyle then.

But now when kids you both make choices to optimize for the family. My DW makes more than me by 2x, and in my field I can’t catch up to her, so instead I prioritize family friendly jobs to be home by 4 and have flexibility.

That’s life with kids. Part time/flex/SAH parent, or a 3rd parent in a nanny or grannie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the issue here is that you mommy tracked for the sake of his career. And now you're asking for a bit of flexibility so you can have a life outside of the home, and he's being very rigid.

I would suggest you go to a marriage counselor to talk this out. Sounds like a situation that could lead to resentment and alienation over time.

Also, this isn't about fair. Fair is one part of the equation. Happy is another. Reciprocal is another. Mutually supportive is another. Etc.

Perhaps the larger issue is that he does his thing and you need to attend to everyone's needs.

Re read her OP. She “passion tracked” because she didn’t like finance and well before kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

Generally, your viewpoint makes no sense. It's as if you read some dusty feminist political tract or women's studies text book that said all chores should be split equally 50/50 and due to an utter lack of understanding of basic economics, never questioned whether the mantra you regurgitate makes any sense.

If my spouse earns 100% of the income for the family and I earn none, then the spouses time is usually going to be far more valuably spent on economic activities. To the extent off time is used to relax and rejuvenate and continue to work the next day, then when we are talking about high earners certainly,I want the spouse to be well rested.

Frankly it is insane for high income spouses to be arguing over this stuff for silly political or feminist influenced reasons.

If you are good at making lots of money why on earth do you think your time is better spent doing menial household chores?

If you insist on spending hours per day doing extra work, stay in the damn office or WFH at your high paying job, thank you. If I am your zero earning spouse I will be more than happy to clean dishes and fold laundry since that is the best use of MY time. But if it is not I will try to spend my time doing something that is the best use of my time.

I am a man and a high earner, so I don’t really follow your point. I don’t make an hourly wage, and working more hours doesn’t necessarily make me more money. That’s how most high earner jobs go. You get paid for something other than hours worked. Nor do I really need more money.

But I don’t think my wife should do 100% of the house work. She certainly does most of it. But if I’m home and not working, I’m not going to sit with my feet up while she does all the house work.

It isn’t about using my time in the highest earning way possible. If that were the case, my wife would work too. It’s about having a nice home life, and that means no one relaxes until everyone does. And it teaches the kids to be contributors, too.

If you are truly a high earner why is your wife doing any housework? Just hire a full time housekeeper and your wife gets to do other stuff. Maybe work that earns money or maybe something else entirely.

"No one relaxes until everyone does"? Are you kidding me?

I have no idea what you do or how much money you make but you sound crazy. You can't be very good at what ever it is you do

No one relaxes until everyone does kind of makes sense for an evening routine. But since she finishes work before him, dinner is always on her.

[Anonymous]

He picked up a bit more at home

This sounds about right