Fair division of household responsibilities vs. income

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either he does 50 percent or you quit.

But you should have done this before he burned out.

Lol.

Hear that daughters!?!

Your hubby, who may or may not be slow at his day job, should decide to pull his weight at home, OR, if he decides not to, you need to quit your career and do everything!

And good luck hiring, training, and managing any nanny, housekeeper or driving sitter because gawd knows he’ll avoid talking to them as well.

Good luck!

Are you dim? We are talking about people who make multiples of their spouse’s income because their spouse mommy-tracked.

You do not effing work if that man doesn’t pull his weight or you are screwing yourself.

Feminism is a damn scam.

And I went to HYP.

Ahh, classy word choices indeed.

[Anonymous]

Beats me how people work intense jobs yet “can’t afford help”. Why work then? Go back to part time and live your life in pleasure and relaxation as much as it is possible with a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

If the surgeon works more hours than the preschool teacher, no. If they work the same number of hours, yes. If the surgeon has a problem with it, he/she can invite the teacher to make homelife his/her job and support their spouse, or they can use their high earnings to outsource. They don’t get to demand a spouse maintain a full time job earning money outside the home PLUS do all the work of a housewife/SAHP. Pick one or the other.

I don’t know if this pp is dumb or naive. Real life doesn’t work that way.

Yes it does. If you are some kind of super specialized surgeon who makes $900k working preschool teacher hours, then sometimes you make dinner and do dishes and laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

If the surgeon works more hours than the preschool teacher, no. If they work the same number of hours, yes. If the surgeon has a problem with it, he/she can invite the teacher to make homelife his/her job and support their spouse, or they can use their high earnings to outsource. They don’t get to demand a spouse maintain a full time job earning money outside the home PLUS do all the work of a housewife/SAHP. Pick one or the other.

I don’t know if this pp is dumb or naive. Real life doesn’t work that way.

I don’t know, it’s the way my life is - I make around $300k and my husband makes 10x that. I could quit but we essentially view my job is an insurance policy until we’ve hit our retirement savings goal, which is high. Since we’re both working similar hours, we both put in the same hours at home/with the kids. If/when I do quit, I will pick up much more but in the meantime, it’s about both of us working full time, not money earned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

I am woman who has earned 100% most of the years since having kids. You better believe working all those hours gets me out of many household chores. My DH and children agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

If the surgeon works more hours than the preschool teacher, no. If they work the same number of hours, yes. If the surgeon has a problem with it, he/she can invite the teacher to make homelife his/her job and support their spouse, or they can use their high earnings to outsource. They don’t get to demand a spouse maintain a full time job earning money outside the home PLUS do all the work of a housewife/SAHP. Pick one or the other.

I don’t know if this pp is dumb or naive. Real life doesn’t work that way.

Real life works however you choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

I am woman who has earned 100% most of the years since having kids. You better believe working all those hours gets me out of many household chores. My DH and children agree.

You earning 100% means your husband is a stay at home parent. Obviously he does the chores in that case, because that’s his job. This post is talking about two people who BOTH work outside the home for income. So your situation is completely irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Geez. Why are so many parents dim and selfish. OP’s husband is a jerk. If both parents have real jobs that they need to do without kids around and that bring in money, it’s about making contributions in proportion to free time. So her husband sits on his a$$ while she’s running around cooking dinner, prepping lunches, doing laundry, etc. What kind of marriage is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

I am woman who has earned 100% most of the years since having kids. You better believe working all those hours gets me out of many household chores. My DH and children agree.

You earning 100% means your husband is a stay at home parent. Obviously he does the chores in that case, because that’s his job. This post is talking about two people who BOTH work outside the home for income. So your situation is completely irrelevant.

Read what I responded to before you criticize. I was responding to a poster who said that she earned 100% and she thought she should still do chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez. Why are so many parents dim and selfish. OP’s husband is a jerk. If both parents have real jobs that they need to do without kids around and that bring in money, it’s about making contributions in proportion to free time. So her husband sits on his a$$ while she’s running around cooking dinner, prepping lunches, doing laundry, etc. What kind of marriage is that?

I was thinking the same thing. Get up if your wife is up, man. Even if you aren’t making dinner, do SOMETHING.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you make dinner for Tuesday on Monday night when everything lightens up and just nuke it for 2 minutes? Why does this have to be hard?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

I am woman who has earned 100% most of the years since having kids. You better believe working all those hours gets me out of many household chores. My DH and children agree.

You earning 100% means your husband is a stay at home parent. Obviously he does the chores in that case, because that’s his job. This post is talking about two people who BOTH work outside the home for income. So your situation is completely irrelevant.

That bolded assertion is ridiculous. Tons of spouses who earn 100% routinely shop for groceries, cook breakfast/dinner, clean up after meals, read to children, put them to bed, mow the lawn, put up the storm windows, clean the gutters, change the oil, wash the car, rake the leaves, drive to sports, give kids baths, you name it.

That doesn’t mean that it’s bad for the 100% earner to relax after work while the spouse scurries around. The SAH spouse has plenty of down time while the WOH spouse is commuting/working, particularly with kids in school all day.

So dollar earnings should have zero to do with chore splits — it should be all about trying to provide adequate free time to each spouse and dividing tasks equally during waking hours not earning pay other than the adequate free time.

[Anonymous]

You have to decouple it from income. It can be split by talent, energy/health, and time, but dividing it by income is only going to cause resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

If the surgeon works more hours than the preschool teacher, no. If they work the same number of hours, yes. If the surgeon has a problem with it, he/she can invite the teacher to make homelife his/her job and support their spouse, or they can use their high earnings to outsource. They don’t get to demand a spouse maintain a full time job earning money outside the home PLUS do all the work of a housewife/SAHP. Pick one or the other.

I don’t know if this pp is dumb or naive. Real life doesn’t work that way.

I don’t know, it’s the way my life is - I make around $300k and my husband makes 10x that. I could quit but we essentially view my job is an insurance policy until we’ve hit our retirement savings goal, which is high. Since we’re both working similar hours, we both put in the same hours at home/with the kids. If/when I do quit, I will pick up much more but in the meantime, it’s about both of us working full time, not money earned.

Your husband makes $3M a year and yet you are working as much as he does for $300k as an “insurance policy”? Do you have anxiety or something?

[Anonymous]

OP just serve sandwiches for dinner every night and let the house get messy.