Fair division of household responsibilities vs. income

[Anonymous]

I’ve always viewed all resources as family resources - money, time, skills, whatever. So I can’t get behind your husband’s way of thinking. But i also know that most don’t agree with me. And if your husband is in a job that he hates in order to give you all the lifestyle you want, that’s worth something. I hope you figure out a solution. Meal planning and some weekend prep might help but it doesn’t help with childcare pick up. Also at $300k it’s hard to imagine that you can’t afford some outside help.

[Anonymous]

You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

[Anonymous]

I think part of the issue here is that you mommy tracked for the sake of his career. And now you're asking for a bit of flexibility so you can have a life outside of the home, and he's being very rigid.

I would suggest you go to a marriage counselor to talk this out. Sounds like a situation that could lead to resentment and alienation over time.

Also, this isn't about fair. Fair is one part of the equation. Happy is another. Reciprocal is another. Mutually supportive is another. Etc.

Perhaps the larger issue is that he does his thing and you need to attend to everyone's needs.

[Anonymous]

What kind of crack do you smoke that you earn a combined $300k but can't afford a nanny? Ha ha ha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two things stood out to me as someone in a similar dynamic.

1) you are working a lot of hours for $100,000. I make $140,000 and I probably only work 30 hours a week.

2) why didn’t you and your dh talk about what your roles would be before you took your new job?

My dh makes $460,000 and I make $140,000. He works 60-80 hour a week. I usually can do my job in 30 hours a week. I have known from day one I would be the default parent and would be doing most of the home stuff.

You live in a bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

Generally, your viewpoint makes no sense. It's as if you read some dusty feminist political tract or women's studies text book that said all chores should be split equally 50/50 and due to an utter lack of understanding of basic economics, never questioned whether the mantra you regurgitate makes any sense.

If my spouse earns 100% of the income for the family and I earn none, then the spouses time is usually going to be far more valuably spent on economic activities. To the extent off time is used to relax and rejuvenate and continue to work the next day, then when we are talking about high earners certainly,I want the spouse to be well rested.

Frankly it is insane for high income spouses to be arguing over this stuff for silly political or feminist influenced reasons.

If you are good at making lots of money why on earth do you think your time is better spent doing menial household chores?

If you insist on spending hours per day doing extra work, stay in the damn office or WFH at your high paying job, thank you. If I am your zero earning spouse I will be more than happy to clean dishes and fold laundry since that is the best use of MY time. But if it is not I will try to spend my time doing something that is the best use of my time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You split it so everyone is working roughly the same, irrespective of earnings. I say that as the person who’s earned between 90 and 100 percent of the household income for many years. When I’m earning 100 percent of the income, as I am now, I don’t think I should get a pass in any household chores.

Generally, your viewpoint makes no sense. It's as if you read some dusty feminist political tract or women's studies text book that said all chores should be split equally 50/50 and due to an utter lack of understanding of basic economics, never questioned whether the mantra you regurgitate makes any sense.

If my spouse earns 100% of the income for the family and I earn none, then the spouses time is usually going to be far more valuably spent on economic activities. To the extent off time is used to relax and rejuvenate and continue to work the next day, then when we are talking about high earners certainly,I want the spouse to be well rested.

Frankly it is insane for high income spouses to be arguing over this stuff for silly political or feminist influenced reasons.

If you are good at making lots of money why on earth do you think your time is better spent doing menial household chores?

If you insist on spending hours per day doing extra work, stay in the damn office or WFH at your high paying job, thank you. If I am your zero earning spouse I will be more than happy to clean dishes and fold laundry since that is the best use of MY time. But if it is not I will try to spend my time doing something that is the best use of my time.

I am a man and a high earner, so I don’t really follow your point. I don’t make an hourly wage, and working more hours doesn’t necessarily make me more money. That’s how most high earner jobs go. You get paid for something other than hours worked. Nor do I really need more money.

But I don’t think my wife should do 100% of the house work. She certainly does most of it. But if I’m home and not working, I’m not going to sit with my feet up while she does all the house work.

It isn’t about using my time in the highest earning way possible. If that were the case, my wife would work too. It’s about having a nice home life, and that means no one relaxes until everyone does. And it teaches the kids to be contributors, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

Yes, if they work equal hours at work. Why not?

[Anonymous]

Split it with him 1/3 him and 2/3 you. He makes dinner twice a week. You make dinner 4 times a week, and you order pizza one night.
He does daycare/preschool drop off or pick up 3-4 times a week. He’s in charge of putting the kids to bed and planning some kind of romantic thing for the two of you on Saturday night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

NP here. When I taught preschool I did so part time. 3 days a week. So I had time to clean/cook/catch up. My dh was working full time out of the house.

Now he works from home and I work full time out of the house in different job. He still out earns me, but he now helps a lot more because he can. It's not about who earns more, it's about who has the time. I can't believe you all are putting it all on the paycheck. No wonder so many marriages fail in this are. You're prioritizing the wrong things.

[Anonymous]

You can afford help. Talk to him, not us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

+1. It should obviously be based on total work hours, unless 1 person chooses a very intense but low-paying job, which they shouldn’t do with kids. But both OP and her DH work similar hours. Even if a family has a SAHP, both parents need to contribute on evenings and weekends.

This is not living in reality. Should a surgeon who earns 900K with a pre-school teacher husband who earns 70K expect to do a 50/50 split of chores?

If they both work the same number of hours, then yes. It’s weird to sit around painting your nails and playing on your phone while your spouse makes you dinner every day.

[Anonymous]

Either he does 50 percent or you quit.

But you should have done this before he burned out.