Fair division of household responsibilities vs. income

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about the money. There are high stress, tiring, low paying jobs that should count as much as a spouse who has a high paying low stress job. If I were a medical resident and bringing in $70K but working 100 hours a week, and DH was in finance working 9-5 and making $350x I would divorce him if he told me that I had to put in longer hours at home because I made a fifth of his earnings.

There are times when money is not relevant. If you are a resident in a hospital and will earn a lot more later. If you are working as vaccine tzar during a pandemic. If it is something of vital importance that you both agree on, or an investment in future income.

But if you want to work 90 hours a week for $45k for a random non-profit that both of you have not agreed is essential, then i am sorry but no. You can’t make choices without regard to the well-being of the family unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH worked an intense finance job, making 300-500k. ... He now makes 200k and works 9:00-6:30 (from home), plus 6 or so hours on evenings and weekends. I found an opportunity I love that's semi-intense. It pays 100k and I need to work like 45 hours/week.

Hubby works 53.5 hours per week making $75 per hour. Wifey works 45 hours per week making $45 per hour. Obviously wifey needs a less intense job with shorter hours so she can contribute more at home. Her after-tax pay is probably $25 per hour, and she is worth more at home. Also, use food delivery, housekeepers, and other services to save time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about the money. There are high stress, tiring, low paying jobs that should count as much as a spouse who has a high paying low stress job. If I were a medical resident and bringing in $70K but working 100 hours a week, and DH was in finance working 9-5 and making $350x I would divorce him if he told me that I had to put in longer hours at home because I made a fifth of his earnings.

There are times when money is not relevant. If you are a resident in a hospital and will earn a lot more later. If you are working as vaccine tzar during a pandemic. If it is something of vital importance that you both agree on, or an investment in future income.

But if you want to work 90 hours a week for $45k for a random non-profit that both of you have not agreed is essential, then i am sorry but no. You can’t make choices without regard to the well-being of the family unit.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband expected me to do more child raising, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. even though we both work full-time just because he made more, I would lean into and quit. Now you make infinitely more, honey, and I actually have time to do literally everything else for our family. Win win.

Or he could divorce you and he would be totally better off.

Sure, and he is free to pursue that option as well. Either way I’m better off.

[Anonymous]

If he actually has the flexibility but chooses not to compromise, I’d be pissed too. For example, can he work 7:30-5 instead of 9-6:30? I imagine that would be helpful for you, even a few days of the week. Then on the days that he can’t, find easier meal preps.

[Anonymous]

How about you meal prep together on the weekend so its not a daily scramble?

[Anonymous]

Take housekeeping off the table and hire a cleaning service. Take 1 or two days of dinnner work off the table by either A making enough food for 2 days or B getting take out 2X a week. Take breakfast off the table by serving easy breakfasts or tasking DH to breakfasts. He should be able to handle that and you go to work as early as possible and get back early. Lunch either school lunch or alternate days on fixing lunch. You do breakfast and lunch on the weekends or breakfast and dinner and DH is in charge of the other meal on the weekend. That’s what we do. We have it worked out like clockwork

[Anonymous]

I think the expectations should be based on work hours, not income. Across the board, pay is not generally reflective of how long or hard you work, some industries just pay a lot more than others.

That said, as someone who earns about 70% more than my husband and feels the after work/dinner scramble, lower the weeknight cooking expectations so one of you can get it on the table fast. We do a lot of leftovers of meals cooked on the weekend, pasta once a week, frozen food once a week, breakfast for dinner, and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about you meal prep together on the weekend so its not a daily scramble?

This is what I think as well. Both work together making a big Sunday dinner that creates enough for leftovers the following day. While the kitchen is already in use, prep things like pasta sauce, chili, sheet pan, or crockpot dinners for the other nights to take you to Friday. Then clean up the kitchen together.

Stop fighting over this. Both of you knew going in that having careers, jobs, a house, and kids was going to be a lot of work. You need to do the work, period. Enough with the bean counting.

[Anonymous]

Hold up.

Who started calling and poo pooing your new higher paying, $100k job “following your passion”? Him?

Do not let him reframe things as put downs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband expected me to do more child raising, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. even though we both work full-time just because he made more, I would lean into and quit. Now you make infinitely more, honey, and I actually have time to do literally everything else for our family. Win win.

Or he could divorce you and he would be totally better off.

Sure, and he is free to pursue that option as well. Either way I’m better off.

Why did you marry someone that you hate? Was he the best you could do?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know your ages but “intense finance jobs” usually become less hours and more oversight and client meetings than grinding.

Are there any executive functioning issues at play with either of you? At work or at home or both.

And if he is working from home he gained 30-60 extra commute minutes to be efficient around the home or at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you meal prep together on the weekend so its not a daily scramble?

This is what I think as well. Both work together making a big Sunday dinner that creates enough for leftovers the following day. While the kitchen is already in use, prep things like pasta sauce, chili, sheet pan, or crockpot dinners for the other nights to take you to Friday. Then clean up the kitchen together.

Stop fighting over this. Both of you knew going in that having careers, jobs, a house, and kids was going to be a lot of work. You need to do the work, period. Enough with the bean counting.

But DID he know it’s be a lot of work?

Ignorance is bliss.

[Anonymous]

If you make $300,000, wouldn’t it be possible to have a part time nanny/housekeeper who comes for an hour before childcare pick up, preps basic dinner ingredients or makes a simple dish. Then picks up kids from childcare/school and stays for 30 minutes until you get home and settled. I was a single mom making far, far less and always had someone in that role. It might take time to find. I shared with mom who had infants and worked part time so needed mornings. College or grad students are also options. I realize that is only one factor, but it could give you a daily relief valve.

[Anonymous]

Two things stood out to me as someone in a similar dynamic.

1) you are working a lot of hours for $100,000. I make $140,000 and I probably only work 30 hours a week.

2) why didn’t you and your dh talk about what your roles would be before you took your new job?

My dh makes $460,000 and I make $140,000. He works 60-80 hour a week. I usually can do my job in 30 hours a week. I have known from day one I would be the default parent and would be doing most of the home stuff.