kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t keep anything from my DH and the kids know that. BUT DH and I are on the same page in terms of supporting the kids no matter what. If I had a judgmental or otherwise difficult co-parent, I would possibly deviate from this commitment on a united parental front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:have you ever kept something from your spouse really out of protection? This is a secret my son had asked me to not share with anyone and I gave him my word. My husband has been under and an extraordinary amount of stress lately and I honestly didn’t have it in me to devastate him which I know the secret would do. Plus I didn’t want to betray my sons trust. Part of me feels guilty, but part of me feels like I’m doing the right thing anyone ever been through anything like this?

My spouse can handle or process most personal things and misunderstands things galore when we try. He either under-reacts and offers zero response or support, or he overreacts but simplifies things to black & white and flies off the handle. It’s scary.

We stopped trying.

[Anonymous]

* can’t handle

[Anonymous]

Well, op, keeping secrets didn’t work so well with Alexander Hamilton “Philip, your mother can’t take another heart break” Everybody remember that line? Eliza was far stronger then her husband realized, and I tend to think that had she known about the duel, neither one would have happened. She’d not have advised it because she knew it was a bad idea and both Alexander and Phillip knew it. Think about if your husband would really be that devastated or if he’d really just be upset at how you handled a situation aside from the secrecy which would in some cases make me seriously think about if I wanted to remain married. There’s absolutely nothing my kids can have happen or do that will devastate me. Upset me yes, make me angry yes, devastate me, no. Think too if there might be information your son doesn’t want you or his dad to know and if you are the easier parent to snow. I remember when one of our kids insisted she returned a book at the public library. Never mind that she can’t get to the library on her own, never mind that she insisted she returned the book after school. My husband believed it until I pointed out “The bus didn’t swing by the library on the way home from school and say “anybody with books, drop them off, the library is tired of all you guys not returning what you check out”. I can’t remember if we ever found the book, I do know for sure my kid didn’t return it the way she told me she had. If you are the more gullible parent, or you are with your son, think about that too. It’s very likely there’s more to the story. I’ve also found that with secret keeping, it’s more about control then it is about the secret. “I know something, I told you, but I will get mad if you tell anybody else, and I don’t care if it divides a marriage, makes someone cry, the focus becomes on being told or not told not on what actually happened. Think about that too, op, it’s a great way for your son to shift away from what happened, something I’d not be sanctioning. Also, kids do need to know that some secrets aren’t keepable, if you go to the doctor and say “My dog jumped on me and broke my nose” and they accept it, and you feel really comfortable after the exam and say “No, I mean, my boyfriend hit me” that secret won’t be kept, confidentially no longer applies. Also, why the f is your husband under so much stress? He needs to get it together or get some counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my son was at a party and took a pill that was not what someone said it was. It was the first time he had experimented with anything like this, he hd to go to the hospital.
He is OK now but only told me on the condition that I not tell his father.
Eventually with my sons permission I feel like I will want/need to,
Its hard to keep to myself but I think I am doing the right thing.

Wow.

So when your son takes another pill and accidentally kills himself by overdose, your DH will have no idea that there was a point in time when he could have got the kid help and prevented his death.

You are scum.

just stop it!!!! She is not and you should sit this one out.

Her son felt comfortable enough to tell and confide in his mom. NOTHING wrong with that. She can tell her husband when he is under less pressure and stress and not prone to overreacting which is exactly what you're doing. There are plenty of things kids are more comfortable telling one parent or the other.

Do you feel the need to tell your husband about every female anatomy thing your daughter goes through?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blood is thicker than water.

The original quote is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Really changes the meaning.

No, this is false. The original meaning was the same as the current one. This is an invented origin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.

Bless your heart. You've taken the whole 'two become one' thing a little too literal. Or, more likely, you interpret it selectively. When one of you goes out does the other? Do you do all your shopping together? If you get the norovirus do you make sure to pass it to your DH? Do you share with your DH the details of how you helped your DD to use a tampon for the first time? Did your DH share with you the conversation he had with your DS about cleaning up the evidence of his masturbation? You are 'one' after all. Of course, you do make exceptions when there's "fear of retaliation".

In our family, we value trust and support. If one of our kids confides in one parent, we respect that choice. We respect that it can be difficult to confide something personal to someone and want our kids to know their confidences are safe. They also know that if someone's health, safety or welfare is involved we may have to disclose their confident but that we would do it in collaboration with them, not because of some misguided notion that confidences not shared between spouses is a betrayal.

Wow this really hit a nerve with you, as your first paragraph reflects quite the Bitter Betty in you.
It seems you are somehow threatened that my relationship with my spouse does not perfectly mirror your own, and rather than just accept that it is okay for us not to have the same “take”—you thought the best approach was to attempt to dismantle and belittle.
Well that makes me sad for you, but I hope that you will one day be secure enough to accept that it is okay for different people to have different viewpoints and practices within their own relationships without it impacting yours in any way. And then you won’t need to attack, insult, or be snide to others in order to make yourself feel good.
I wish you well.

DP. Nope, you're just ridiculous. No one cares what your relationship is like but we can definitely think your stance is inane.

And yet I’m completely comfortable that your practice differs from mine and that our hierarchy of values differs in that I choose to place the trust and covenant I have with my husband above keeping secrets from him. You are absolutely free to make a different choice and to judge my choices as “inane” or inferior to yours.

In OPs case, I don’t think the secret keeping is serving her son well OR serving the marital trust well if she chooses to honor her son’s insistence on not telling her DH. It’s a difficult spot to be in. And I don’t claim that my position is superior to yours.
I am contented though that our deliberate choice to not keep secrets eliminates this particular stress from our marriage relationship that I will not need to carry a burden alone and vice versa. (There are other stressors for sure—but this is just one we don’t have)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my son was at a party and took a pill that was not what someone said it was. It was the first time he had experimented with anything like this, he hd to go to the hospital.
He is OK now but only told me on the condition that I not tell his father.
Eventually with my sons permission I feel like I will want/need to,
Its hard to keep to myself but I think I am doing the right thing.

Wow.

So when your son takes another pill and accidentally kills himself by overdose, your DH will have no idea that there was a point in time when he could have got the kid help and prevented his death.

You are scum.

just stop it!!!! She is not and you should sit this one out.

Her son felt comfortable enough to tell and confide in his mom. NOTHING wrong with that. She can tell her husband when he is under less pressure and stress and not prone to overreacting which is exactly what you're doing. There are plenty of things kids are more comfortable telling one parent or the other.

Do you feel the need to tell your husband about every female anatomy thing your daughter goes through?

Also, to be clear, the “you are scum” poster is not me.

[Anonymous]

I can see some cases where I may keep something.

But my kid going to the hospital because of drugs? F*ck no, I would never keep something like that. That's a really dangerous and slippery slope imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.

Yes, I agree your opinion is unpopular and it should be. I want my kids to come to me or DH with anything, even if it means keeping it secret from the other parent until they’re ready to share. If something is so bad/traumatic/difficult that they don’t want the other parent to know, then you definitely want them coming to at least one of you.

Disagree.
Keeping secrets creates distrust and destroys marriages.
And for us, we feel that teaching our children to respect the marriage of their parents by not requiring one keep a secret from the other is a pretty important tool in teaching them how to be a good spouse to their future mate.

You realize though that you have made it so if your DH was doing anything to harm your kids he could continue to do it with impunity because your kids would never bring that to you, right?

Wrong. My kids told me about an incident of sexual grooming, so I can tel you that you are wrong. That fear tactic is what women use to justify being closer to their kids and keeping DH at arms length from their family.

Was your husband the one doing the grooming? If not, then this means nothing. If so, how on earth are you still with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my son was at a party and took a pill that was not what someone said it was. It was the first time he had experimented with anything like this, he hd to go to the hospital.
He is OK now but only told me on the condition that I not tell his father.
Eventually with my sons permission I feel like I will want/need to,
Its hard to keep to myself but I think I am doing the right thing.

Uh, you don't hide the fact that a child is in the hospital from their parent.

You owe your husband a HUGE apology

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:have you ever kept something from your spouse really out of protection? This is a secret my son had asked me to not share with anyone and I gave him my word. My husband has been under and an extraordinary amount of stress lately and I honestly didn’t have it in me to devastate him which I know the secret would do. Plus I didn’t want to betray my sons trust. Part of me feels guilty, but part of me feels like I’m doing the right thing anyone ever been through anything like this?

No. DH and I are a team, and I won’t let the kids triangulate us. I have given a kid time to realize I will need to tell DH; I have let them decide whether I or the kid will tell him; I would delay for work stress for a bit. But DH and I are a team - no secrets.

same. and the kids know this. However, my husband has requested he not know any "girl talk" stuff. Obliged.
we do have an adult child with some crippling anxiety. It works best if I talk to him alone and then fill my husband in on the high points and everyone is agreeable with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my son was at a party and took a pill that was not what someone said it was. It was the first time he had experimented with anything like this, he hd to go to the hospital.
He is OK now but only told me on the condition that I not tell his father.
Eventually with my sons permission I feel like I will want/need to,
Its hard to keep to myself but I think I am doing the right thing.

Wow.

So when your son takes another pill and accidentally kills himself by overdose, your DH will have no idea that there was a point in time when he could have got the kid help and prevented his death.

You are scum.

just stop it!!!! She is not and you should sit this one out.

Her son felt comfortable enough to tell and confide in his mom. NOTHING wrong with that. She can tell her husband when he is under less pressure and stress and not prone to overreacting which is exactly what you're doing. There are plenty of things kids are more comfortable telling one parent or the other.

Do you feel the need to tell your husband about every female anatomy thing your daughter goes through?

Do you feel the need to make completely asinine analogies?

You think a potential overdose is the same as tampons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my son was at a party and took a pill that was not what someone said it was. It was the first time he had experimented with anything like this, he hd to go to the hospital.
He is OK now but only told me on the condition that I not tell his father.
Eventually with my sons permission I feel like I will want/need to,
Its hard to keep to myself but I think I am doing the right thing.

Wow.

So when your son takes another pill and accidentally kills himself by overdose, your DH will have no idea that there was a point in time when he could have got the kid help and prevented his death.

You are scum.

just stop it!!!! She is not and you should sit this one out.

Her son felt comfortable enough to tell and confide in his mom. NOTHING wrong with that. She can tell her husband when he is under less pressure and stress and not prone to overreacting which is exactly what you're doing. There are plenty of things kids are more comfortable telling one parent or the other.

Do you feel the need to tell your husband about every female anatomy thing your daughter goes through?

In general, this kind of issue can be a tough judgment call, but keeping it secret from your spouse that one of your children had to go to the ER in this kind of situation is an absolute red line. If my spouse kept that from me and I learned of it, I would never trust them about anything again, ever. This kind of experimentation is a life-threatening issue.

[Anonymous]

"Son, you need to tell your father or I will."

"Hubby, son is going to confide something in you. He's nervous about telling you. You are going to be upset, as I was. Please promise to stay calm and respond in a loving way."