kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible

[Anonymous]

Kids need a parent to go to and sometimes they are more comfortable with one depending on the need. Keep the secret but encourage son telling DH (and you together) if he needs to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.

Bless your heart. You've taken the whole 'two become one' thing a little too literal. Or, more likely, you interpret it selectively. When one of you goes out does the other? Do you do all your shopping together? If you get the norovirus do you make sure to pass it to your DH? Do you share with your DH the details of how you helped your DD to use a tampon for the first time? Did your DH share with you the conversation he had with your DS about cleaning up the evidence of his masturbation? You are 'one' after all. Of course, you do make exceptions when there's "fear of retaliation".

In our family, we value trust and support. If one of our kids confides in one parent, we respect that choice. We respect that it can be difficult to confide something personal to someone and want our kids to know their confidences are safe. They also know that if someone's health, safety or welfare is involved we may have to disclose their confident but that we would do it in collaboration with them, not because of some misguided notion that confidences not shared between spouses is a betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.

Bless your heart. You've taken the whole 'two become one' thing a little too literal. Or, more likely, you interpret it selectively. When one of you goes out does the other? Do you do all your shopping together? If you get the norovirus do you make sure to pass it to your DH? Do you share with your DH the details of how you helped your DD to use a tampon for the first time? Did your DH share with you the conversation he had with your DS about cleaning up the evidence of his masturbation? You are 'one' after all. Of course, you do make exceptions when there's "fear of retaliation".

In our family, we value trust and support. If one of our kids confides in one parent, we respect that choice. We respect that it can be difficult to confide something personal to someone and want our kids to know their confidences are safe. They also know that if someone's health, safety or welfare is involved we may have to disclose their confident but that we would do it in collaboration with them, not because of some misguided notion that confidences not shared between spouses is a betrayal.

Wow this really hit a nerve with you, as your first paragraph reflects quite the Bitter Betty in you.
It seems you are somehow threatened that my relationship with my spouse does not perfectly mirror your own, and rather than just accept that it is okay for us not to have the same “take”—you thought the best approach was to attempt to dismantle and belittle.
Well that makes me sad for you, but I hope that you will one day be secure enough to accept that it is okay for different people to have different viewpoints and practices within their own relationships without it impacting yours in any way. And then you won’t need to attack, insult, or be snide to others in order to make yourself feel good.
I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.

Yes, I agree your opinion is unpopular and it should be. I want my kids to come to me or DH with anything, even if it means keeping it secret from the other parent until they’re ready to share. If something is so bad/traumatic/difficult that they don’t want the other parent to know, then you definitely want them coming to at least one of you.

Disagree.
Keeping secrets creates distrust and destroys marriages.
And for us, we feel that teaching our children to respect the marriage of their parents by not requiring one keep a secret from the other is a pretty important tool in teaching them how to be a good spouse to their future mate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.

Bless your heart. You've taken the whole 'two become one' thing a little too literal. Or, more likely, you interpret it selectively. When one of you goes out does the other? Do you do all your shopping together? If you get the norovirus do you make sure to pass it to your DH? Do you share with your DH the details of how you helped your DD to use a tampon for the first time? Did your DH share with you the conversation he had with your DS about cleaning up the evidence of his masturbation? You are 'one' after all. Of course, you do make exceptions when there's "fear of retaliation".

In our family, we value trust and support. If one of our kids confides in one parent, we respect that choice. We respect that it can be difficult to confide something personal to someone and want our kids to know their confidences are safe. They also know that if someone's health, safety or welfare is involved we may have to disclose their confident but that we would do it in collaboration with them, not because of some misguided notion that confidences not shared between spouses is a betrayal.

Wow this really hit a nerve with you, as your first paragraph reflects quite the Bitter Betty in you.
It seems you are somehow threatened that my relationship with my spouse does not perfectly mirror your own, and rather than just accept that it is okay for us not to have the same “take”—you thought the best approach was to attempt to dismantle and belittle.
Well that makes me sad for you, but I hope that you will one day be secure enough to accept that it is okay for different people to have different viewpoints and practices within their own relationships without it impacting yours in any way. And then you won’t need to attack, insult, or be snide to others in order to make yourself feel good.
I wish you well.

I like this response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.

Bless your heart. You've taken the whole 'two become one' thing a little too literal. Or, more likely, you interpret it selectively. When one of you goes out does the other? Do you do all your shopping together? If you get the norovirus do you make sure to pass it to your DH? Do you share with your DH the details of how you helped your DD to use a tampon for the first time? Did your DH share with you the conversation he had with your DS about cleaning up the evidence of his masturbation? You are 'one' after all. Of course, you do make exceptions when there's "fear of retaliation".

In our family, we value trust and support. If one of our kids confides in one parent, we respect that choice. We respect that it can be difficult to confide something personal to someone and want our kids to know their confidences are safe. They also know that if someone's health, safety or welfare is involved we may have to disclose their confident but that we would do it in collaboration with them, not because of some misguided notion that confidences not shared between spouses is a betrayal.

Wow this really hit a nerve with you, as your first paragraph reflects quite the Bitter Betty in you.
It seems you are somehow threatened that my relationship with my spouse does not perfectly mirror your own, and rather than just accept that it is okay for us not to have the same “take”—you thought the best approach was to attempt to dismantle and belittle.
Well that makes me sad for you, but I hope that you will one day be secure enough to accept that it is okay for different people to have different viewpoints and practices within their own relationships without it impacting yours in any way. And then you won’t need to attack, insult, or be snide to others in order to make yourself feel good.
I wish you well.

DP. This post is so childish and fake, it’s laughable. In fact, so was your previous post and that’s why PP reacted that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never keep a secret that is about our child with my husband/child's Dad. We parent together. Not ok.

Same, but I also wouldn’t have agreed to the secret in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.

Yes, I agree your opinion is unpopular and it should be. I want my kids to come to me or DH with anything, even if it means keeping it secret from the other parent until they’re ready to share. If something is so bad/traumatic/difficult that they don’t want the other parent to know, then you definitely want them coming to at least one of you.

Disagree.
Keeping secrets creates distrust and destroys marriages.
And for us, we feel that teaching our children to respect the marriage of their parents by not requiring one keep a secret from the other is a pretty important tool in teaching them how to be a good spouse to their future mate.

You realize though that you have made it so if your DH was doing anything to harm your kids he could continue to do it with impunity because your kids would never bring that to you, right?

[Anonymous]

my son was at a party and took a pill that was not what someone said it was. It was the first time he had experimented with anything like this, he hd to go to the hospital.
He is OK now but only told me on the condition that I not tell his father.
Eventually with my sons permission I feel like I will want/need to,
Its hard to keep to myself but I think I am doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never keep a secret that is about our child with my husband/child's Dad. We parent together. Not ok.

I mean yes, when they are kids. When they are 22? Things can get a little more complicated.

Regardless, if you are the type of person that won’t keep a secret from your spouse, you owe it to make that clear to your son. Ideally before they share the secret. But certainly after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.

Yes, I agree your opinion is unpopular and it should be. I want my kids to come to me or DH with anything, even if it means keeping it secret from the other parent until they’re ready to share. If something is so bad/traumatic/difficult that they don’t want the other parent to know, then you definitely want them coming to at least one of you.

Disagree.
Keeping secrets creates distrust and destroys marriages.
And for us, we feel that teaching our children to respect the marriage of their parents by not requiring one keep a secret from the other is a pretty important tool in teaching them how to be a good spouse to their future mate.

You realize though that you have made it so if your DH was doing anything to harm your kids he could continue to do it with impunity because your kids would never bring that to you, right?

She would already know anyway, because they have no secrets.

Can’t let a little abuse undermine a strong marriage.

[Anonymous]

I take confidence and privacy seriously. If dh doesn't need to know, he doesn't need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:have you ever kept something from your spouse really out of protection? This is a secret my son had asked me to not share with anyone and I gave him my word. My husband has been under and an extraordinary amount of stress lately and I honestly didn’t have it in me to devastate him which I know the secret would do. Plus I didn’t want to betray my sons trust. Part of me feels guilty, but part of me feels like I’m doing the right thing anyone ever been through anything like this?

No. DH and I are a team, and I won’t let the kids triangulate us. I have given a kid time to realize I will need to tell DH; I have let them decide whether I or the kid will tell him; I would delay for work stress for a bit. But DH and I are a team - no secrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blood is thicker than water.

The original quote is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Really changes the meaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my son was at a party and took a pill that was not what someone said it was. It was the first time he had experimented with anything like this, he hd to go to the hospital.
He is OK now but only told me on the condition that I not tell his father.
Eventually with my sons permission I feel like I will want/need to,
Its hard to keep to myself but I think I am doing the right thing.

He should tell his dad eventually, but for now I would keep the kids confidence. But that is so DANGEROUS - I hope he understands he could have died. This fentanyl problem is real.