kept something from my husband because of the stress he’s under but feel terrible

[Anonymous]

have you ever kept something from your spouse really out of protection? This is a secret my son had asked me to not share with anyone and I gave him my word. My husband has been under and an extraordinary amount of stress lately and I honestly didn’t have it in me to devastate him which I know the secret would do. Plus I didn’t want to betray my sons trust. Part of me feels guilty, but part of me feels like I’m doing the right thing anyone ever been through anything like this?

[Anonymous]

Blood is thicker than water.

[Anonymous]

My DD asked me not to tell something to DH. I didn't. I don't see it as a betrayal of his trust. If I told him, that would be a betrayal of her trust.

If it was something safety related, yes, I would tell DH. But, otherwise, no. If my kid asks me not tell their dad, I won't unless I think he needs to know.

[Anonymous]

Totally context specific, but overall I would say to trust your gut. If your son needs you to be discrete for a while, then I don’t think you need to stress about not talking about this.

[Anonymous]

Did your son tell you that he is gay? I wouldn’t betray his confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD asked me not to tell something to DH. I didn't. I don't see it as a betrayal of his trust. If I told him, that would be a betrayal of her trust.

If it was something safety related, yes, I would tell DH. But, otherwise, no. If my kid asks me not tell their dad, I won't unless I think he needs to know.

+1 If it's something your DH really does need to know, you need to have a conversation with your DD about telling her father herself. It's not your secret to tell and telling him is betraying her trust.

If you are one who thinks you have to share everything with your DH, you need to make sure your DD knows that now so she can find someone safe to confide in.

[Anonymous]

Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.

[Anonymous]

What kind of secret could your son have that would devastate possibly his father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of secret could your son have that would devastate possibly his father?

Coming back to add, unless it’s that one of your family members or someone else has molested the son. I hope that is not the case and if it is offer many prayers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blood is thicker than water.

Yeah. About five times thicker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of secret could your son have that would devastate possibly his father?

He's gay. Got a girl pregnant. Joined the. Army. On drugs. To name but a few.

[Anonymous]

What's the timeline on this, OP? How long will DH be under this stress, and how long is your kid wanting/expecting you to keep the secret? I think that makes a difference in how to proceed. If it's a relatively finite timeband... okay. If it's indefinite... that's not advisable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of secret could your son have that would devastate possibly his father?

He's gay. Got a girl pregnant. Joined the. Army. On drugs. To name but a few.

Flunked out of college. Changed religions or is now an atheist. Joined a different political party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion, and here goes:
I would not keep a secret from my DH because I feel that this betrays the covenant we made when we vowed that two become one. Keeping a secret from him would feel like I’m compromising that vow.

We are clear about this with our children and I don’t think they would ever ask one of us to keep something from the other. But if they asked to tell me something on the condition that I not share it with DH, I would remind my child why I can’t hold to that condition.
I think the only time I would even fathom keeping a secret from my DH is if my child were accusing DH of something horrible and feared retaliation.

Yes, I agree your opinion is unpopular and it should be. I want my kids to come to me or DH with anything, even if it means keeping it secret from the other parent until they’re ready to share. If something is so bad/traumatic/difficult that they don’t want the other parent to know, then you definitely want them coming to at least one of you.

[Anonymous]

I would never keep a secret that is about our child with my husband/child's Dad. We parent together. Not ok.