Help me understand why this is aggravating and how to explain to my mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I tend to ask questions when I intend to reach out to offer support. I don't know what to say otherwise, so I ask questions. And also, my mom is the same way and I hate it.

I don't know if your mom is like me or not. Tell her you know she's worried about you but all her questions just make you feel overwhelmed. Sometimes you just feel better when you're NOT thinking about all stuff, and the questions just force you to think about your illness when you have OTHER responsibilities to deal with.

Give her suggestions. When she's worried about you, she should text you with "how are you feeling today?" Or "I'm going to the grocery store, can I get you anything?" Or "need anything today?"

This is OP. I think she would worry less if we were in the same city and she could pick up something at the store for me (I assume). But we aren’t in the same city, so all she can do is worry.

Honestly, even “how are you feeling today?” isn’t an easy question for me considering I’ve been sick for 4 months. And I always feel like crap. I completely understand why she wants to know. But there’s nothing really to report. Just trying to figure this out and keep going and feeling like hell.

When she asks detailed questions, can you redirect? Like when she asks what you ate today, you can say, “Mom, if you really want to help, you can have a meal delivered for the family on Thursday night.” Then let her respond. Next time, she asks, say something like, “mom, if you really want to help and be involved, can you pay for a housecleaning?”

I think if she’s going to be all up in your business, you may as well let her know what would actually help you and maybe make your life a little less stressful. Redirect her energy into something positive if possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. And it’s definitely what my siblings would say. I anticipate a call from each sibling at some point soon, telling me how much I’m worrying my mom by not giving her enough details on my condition.

OP our families operate the same and it took my own illness for me to set boundaries without apologies and with far less guilt. You simply tell your sibling you are not responsible for mom's regulation of anxiety. Is mom is struggling, then she needs to seek professional help. If THEY care about your health they will stop trying to create drama and respect boundaries.

My mom does not help anyone ill, does not even visit "close family members" dying, but she thinks she is a saint because she will call them often and drive them insane with her anxiety. When they stop answering her calls or texts she then persists and insists they contact her so she knows they are OK. if the person confronts her and makes clear what boundaries are needed she turns into a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Just talk less and change your actions more. Don’t think that you can explain things to her and that she will change her behavior. All the talking in the world is not going to suddenly make her see the light and realize what she is doing and change accordingly.

I agree with those who to say to be short and brief, “everything’s OK can’t talk right now!”

When you do talk to her, if you find that she is asking for details about your illness, just say “oh let’s talk about something more pleasant” and bring up some other subject and if she persists and talking about your illness, just say “oh I’m sorry everything’s OK but I gotta go right now the dishwasher is overflowing” or whatever.

Ask her questions about what’s going on in her life. Distract her from your illnesses. What she really wants is contact with you and reassurance that you are OK.

[Anonymous]

Plan a call every X days at a particular time and tell her you'll talk to her then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plan a call every X days at a particular time and tell her you'll talk to her then.

This. Anxiety responds well to structure and predictability. Set that up and stick to it. If you can only handle 20 minutes, let her know. Have a list of answers you can give if she asks annoying questions.

I disagree with the person who says to redirect it to having her help you with things. If your mom is self-absorbed she cannot handle helping you and this could set off rage. Any decent mentally healthy mother who is able bodied and loving would be offering all sorts of help and making the focus on your needs. That is not what we have here. The last thing you want to do is make an anxious unstable person face the fact she is selfish by making requests she cannot handle. Meet her where she is and have boundaries. If she wanted to help she would. She is not offering it. If you can handle once a week with rules, set that up and enforce it.