Help me understand why this is aggravating and how to explain to my mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. What about, “The most helpful thing you can do for me right now is manage your own anxiety around my health rather than asking me to manage it for you. That means you can’t rely on EXACT details of what I ate and how I’m feeling to reassure you. You will have to find a different way to manage your anxiety about it. As I’ve told you before, I will absolutely notify you if there is any change in my health or employment or anything significant. But I won’t give you minute details about what I’m eating or feeling or what appointments I went to or how much leave I have left.”

Does that work? I need a script, but a more gentle script than what people often suggest for boundary-setting!

I think that’s fine. I might add a sentence like “I love you and appreciate your concern but the way you are expressing it is just adding another burden to everything else I’m experiencing right now because I’d don’t have time or energy to answer you in such detail.”

+1.

It’s irritating to because your mother is using you (sick person, adult child) to manage her emotional needs without one whit of concern for how these requests affect you. It seems so straightforward that I’m wondering if there is something that are struggling with her.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I’ve gotten what I need from this thread so thank you all. Just to further underline how absurd this all is, she lives several hours away. She’s not offering to help. She just wants me to assuage her anxiety. And not only should that not be my job but I cant assuage her any because this is a legitimately anxiety-provoking situation. It’s reasonable for anyone who cares about me to be worried about me. But I’m a grown woman with my own family and I will sort this out, come what may. It feels intrusive when she demands to know what I’ve eaten.

I thought DCUM was going to tell me that k needed to respond to these texts and give her details because she’s old and worried and it’s the least I can do for my poor mom. I think that’s what my friends would say.

[Anonymous]

Op again. And it’s definitely what my siblings would say. I anticipate a call from each sibling at some point soon, telling me how much I’m worrying my mom by not giving her enough details on my condition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. And it’s definitely what my siblings would say. I anticipate a call from each sibling at some point soon, telling me how much I’m worrying my mom by not giving her enough details on my condition.

Ugh. I hope one of the siblings is open to reason and can redirect the worrying to the instead of you.

This is what I was trying to describe before about dumping in VS out
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)

[Anonymous]

Ugh I tend to ask questions when I intend to reach out to offer support. I don't know what to say otherwise, so I ask questions. And also, my mom is the same way and I hate it.

I don't know if your mom is like me or not. Tell her you know she's worried about you but all her questions just make you feel overwhelmed. Sometimes you just feel better when you're NOT thinking about all stuff, and the questions just force you to think about your illness when you have OTHER responsibilities to deal with.

Give her suggestions. When she's worried about you, she should text you with "how are you feeling today?" Or "I'm going to the grocery store, can I get you anything?" Or "need anything today?"

[Anonymous]

I would go with a simple “ mom- I appreciate your concern, but I do not have time to respond to all your texts right now. Please assume silence is good news”. And then stop responding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I tend to ask questions when I intend to reach out to offer support. I don't know what to say otherwise, so I ask questions. And also, my mom is the same way and I hate it.

I don't know if your mom is like me or not. Tell her you know she's worried about you but all her questions just make you feel overwhelmed. Sometimes you just feel better when you're NOT thinking about all stuff, and the questions just force you to think about your illness when you have OTHER responsibilities to deal with.

Give her suggestions. When she's worried about you, she should text you with "how are you feeling today?" Or "I'm going to the grocery store, can I get you anything?" Or "need anything today?"

This is OP. I think she would worry less if we were in the same city and she could pick up something at the store for me (I assume). But we aren’t in the same city, so all she can do is worry.

Honestly, even “how are you feeling today?” isn’t an easy question for me considering I’ve been sick for 4 months. And I always feel like crap. I completely understand why she wants to know. But there’s nothing really to report. Just trying to figure this out and keep going and feeling like hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. And it’s definitely what my siblings would say. I anticipate a call from each sibling at some point soon, telling me how much I’m worrying my mom by not giving her enough details on my condition.

OP, your culture may play into this. If so- cutting her off will take up more energy due to all the others involved so you may want to send her an email and copy all the others so they are on the same page in supporting you- and let them know that you will contact them if anything changes. You may not be prepared to have energy for this battle, so say it once, say it loud, cc everyone and be prepared to respond minimally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I tend to ask questions when I intend to reach out to offer support. I don't know what to say otherwise, so I ask questions. And also, my mom is the same way and I hate it.

I don't know if your mom is like me or not. Tell her you know she's worried about you but all her questions just make you feel overwhelmed. Sometimes you just feel better when you're NOT thinking about all stuff, and the questions just force you to think about your illness when you have OTHER responsibilities to deal with.

Give her suggestions. When she's worried about you, she should text you with "how are you feeling today?" Or "I'm going to the grocery store, can I get you anything?" Or "need anything today?"

I can understand having some questions but the questions posted in the OP are so detailed and obsessive. I have OCD and these kinds of questions pop up in my head constantly but I would never impose this on another person. These kinds of questions make you think "omg if I did chemo this morning and feel like crap should I still go to work in the afternoon because what if I run out of PTO and FMLA and then will Iose my job and then my health insurance omg and then where will we live and what about my child's education... "

Every decision you make becomes a huge life changing one. You question if every single thing you eat or drink or any treatment is making you better or worse. It is not OK to impose that sort of anxiety on someone else. I'm sure OP has many difficult thoughts and doesn't need another person questioning her to this extent. It is very unhealthy. Like the stress of these questions can make her physically sicker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I tend to ask questions when I intend to reach out to offer support. I don't know what to say otherwise, so I ask questions. And also, my mom is the same way and I hate it.

I don't know if your mom is like me or not. Tell her you know she's worried about you but all her questions just make you feel overwhelmed. Sometimes you just feel better when you're NOT thinking about all stuff, and the questions just force you to think about your illness when you have OTHER responsibilities to deal with.

Give her suggestions. When she's worried about you, she should text you with "how are you feeling today?" Or "I'm going to the grocery store, can I get you anything?" Or "need anything today?"

I can understand having some questions but the questions posted in the OP are so detailed and obsessive. I have OCD and these kinds of questions pop up in my head constantly but I would never impose this on another person. These kinds of questions make you think "omg if I did chemo this morning and feel like crap should I still go to work in the afternoon because what if I run out of PTO and FMLA and then will Iose my job and then my health insurance omg and then where will we live and what about my child's education... "

Every decision you make becomes a huge life changing one. You question if every single thing you eat or drink or any treatment is making you better or worse. It is not OK to impose that sort of anxiety on someone else. I'm sure OP has many difficult thoughts and doesn't need another person questioning her to this extent. It is very unhealthy. Like the stress of these questions can make her physically sicker.

Want to say that wasn't directed at PP. I know they were offering solid advice. Just wanted to explain why I don't think these are just questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. And it’s definitely what my siblings would say. I anticipate a call from each sibling at some point soon, telling me how much I’m worrying my mom by not giving her enough details on my condition.

Tell them that if they want to help your mom, they should go with the doctor to get her some anti anxiety meds. I mean it — that is what would be most helpful to your mom. Tell them “I don’t have the bandwidth for this, but it sounds like you may have time to handle this.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go with a simple “ mom- I appreciate your concern, but I do not have time to respond to all your texts right now. Please assume silence is good news”. And then stop responding.

This is the best response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. What about, “The most helpful thing you can do for me right now is manage your own anxiety around my health rather than asking me to manage it for you. That means you can’t rely on EXACT details of what I ate and how I’m feeling to reassure you. You will have to find a different way to manage your anxiety about it. As I’ve told you before, I will absolutely notify you if there is any change in my health or employment or anything significant. But I won’t give you minute details about what I’m eating or feeling or what appointments I went to or how much leave I have left.”

Does that work? I need a script, but a more gentle script than what people often suggest for boundary-setting!

If she is inflicting her stress on you, her anxiety could be worse for your health. If you point that out to her, she might back off to help your wellness since she would want what is best for you.

[Anonymous]

OP I have had similar issues with my mom and it's really hard. Just sharing that I feel your pain and I'm sorry your mom is putting you in the position of managing her anxiety. It totally stinks.

[Anonymous]

She is your mother and she is concerned. Just as your child is your primary concern and you devote time to care for your child, your mother still feels that devotion to you. It's sweet, but, yes, it is aggravating when you are an adult, you are responsible for yourself (and your child) and you don't have the time to handle her concerns.

So, explain to her that you appreciate her concern, but between caring for yourself and caring for your child (her grandchild), and working, you don't have the time for extensive updates to her on a daily basis. Explain that you are not hiding anything and are not being secretive, but that you don't have the time to provide her the detail that she wants on a daily basis.

What worked for us is that we now have a family Zoom once per week (my siblings and my mother) and we all provide updates at that time. It helps that we share that information at once, so we don't have to give the same information to each of us and repeat or have to rebroadcast the same info. Plus it allows us to check up on Mom together.

Suggest to your mother that you set up a regularly weekly call/Zoom at a given time and that you will provide her details and answer her questions each week in that call. Explain that this should answer her need for details, without interrupting your day when you have so many daily activities to take care of.