Help me understand why this is aggravating and how to explain to my mom

[Anonymous]

OP my mom is just like this. She makes every illness/issue about her and it becomes the ill person/injured person or whatever comforting her constantly. I used to think it was caring, but as I have processed a lot of my mother's behavior over the years, everything is about her and her needs. I couldn't even tell her when I was in labor after a difficult pregnancy even though she lived in the area because the whole birth (with turned into an emergency C section) would have been about her and her anxiety and the nurses and my husband would be stuck comforting her crazy.

When I developed my own serious illness (after I had been the dumping ground for her anxiety when dad was ill) she drove me insane making my health all about her need for comfort. She even gave a script...she told me she wanted me to say the doctors said all is fine and she wants me to tell her I feel healthy again?!

Honestly, this isn't about their feelings anymore. I calmly and assertively told her I needed to focus on my own health, spouse and kids and could no longer be the dumping ground for her anxiety. (It is was beyond thanking her for caring, because every interaction was about her needing soothing and getting hysterical). I encouraged her to get counseling or find better ways to manage her anxiety, but I would no longer be soothing her. At first I limited communication to once a week, but when she got to the point of screaming at me which set off some of my symptoms, I limited her to once a month-1 text and I did not answer follow up questions because they were another attempt to get soothing and I knew she wouldn't want the answers.

[Anonymous]

Your script is fine but I likely to change anything. So give her the script but don’t actually think it will do any good.

What you can change is to just ignore her. Tell her you will reach out once a week. And then do that. Ignore her in between.

The line I use with myself is “I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for this.” It gives me all kinds of power to just ignore nonsense. So, I focus on my own poor health, my
Kid with profound intellectual disability, my kid that had brain cancer and now has ADHD and my husband — who is awesome and I want us to have fun and stay married. I don’t have time for drama from my dad, his wife, etc. I have not cut them off completely, but I am fairly low contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. What about, “The most helpful thing you can do for me right now is manage your own anxiety around my health rather than asking me to manage it for you. That means you can’t rely on EXACT details of what I ate and how I’m feeling to reassure you. You will have to find a different way to manage your anxiety about it. As I’ve told you before, I will absolutely notify you if there is any change in my health or employment or anything significant. But I won’t give you minute details about what I’m eating or feeling or what appointments I went to or how much leave I have left.”

Does that work? I need a script, but a more gentle script than what people often suggest for boundary-setting!

Not really. Other than saying you won’t share what you’re eating, you haven’t really set any boundaries. There’s nothing in this script that sets a boundary around the constant texting. You haven’t addressed that at all. You need to tell her when you will respond and when you won’t.
Clear is kind.

[Anonymous]

She probably has a diagnosable anxiety disorder.

You need to ignore. She is way out of line, but no amount of verbal explanation will correct the course. She has to understand there are consequences when she harasses you. So do not respond. When a sufficient time has passed to make your point, tell her you will only have a relationship with her if she keeps to topics that are about anything but your health. Follow through.

I hope you have other friends and relatives to lean on, OP! Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Dr DCUM, LCSW, PhD, Says:


Grey Rock

[Anonymous]

Your mom is adding to your stress rather than trying to be helpful. Can she help take care of you or your child? If not, she needs to back off.

You don’t need to answer her endless questions—I would just tell her that she’s adding to my stress and making things worse instead of better, that she needs to keep her worry to herself, and that you’ll call her when you can. Then mute her texts and emails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your script is fine but I likely to change anything. So give her the script but don’t actually think it will do any good.

What you can change is to just ignore her. Tell her you will reach out once a week. And then do that. Ignore her in between.

The line I use with myself is “I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for this.” It gives me all kinds of power to just ignore nonsense. So, I focus on my own poor health, my
Kid with profound intellectual disability, my kid that had brain cancer and now has ADHD and my husband — who is awesome and I want us to have fun and stay married. I don’t have time for drama from my dad, his wife, etc. I have not cut them off completely, but I am fairly low contact.

Sorry to hijack the post, but I am so sorry you are dealing with so much (and OP as well). That is a lot. You have every right to say you don't have the emotional bandwidth. I may use that as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. What about, “The most helpful thing you can do for me right now is manage your own anxiety around my health rather than asking me to manage it for you. That means you can’t rely on EXACT details of what I ate and how I’m feeling to reassure you. You will have to find a different way to manage your anxiety about it. As I’ve told you before, I will absolutely notify you if there is any change in my health or employment or anything significant. But I won’t give you minute details about what I’m eating or feeling or what appointments I went to or how much leave I have left.”

Does that work? I need a script, but a more gentle script than what people often suggest for boundary-setting!

Not really. Other than saying you won’t share what you’re eating, you haven’t really set any boundaries. There’s nothing in this script that sets a boundary around the constant texting. You haven’t addressed that at all. You need to tell her when you will respond and when you won’t.
Clear is kind.

I just posted, but I agree with "clear is kind." Telling her the day and time you will text each week is a good boundary especially with someone anxious. Make clear you will not respond to anything else so she isn't shocked when you don't respond. Then enforce it. If you bend on the boundary at all, you reinforce her crazy. It is worth it to do this. Anxiety is not the innocent and sweet disorder I thought it was when it goes untreated. With my mother she just escalates and then throws fits. You calmly stick to the boundary and eventually she may just lose it enough to get proper help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry that you have to deal with this on top of being sick. I think that the only way to deal with this is to let go of convincing her to understand you. It doesn’t matter. Set a clear boundary and follow it.

“Your texts and endless questions are stressful to me. Moving forward, I’m blocking your texts and calls. I’ll call you on Sunday afternoons at 4pm for 30 minutes. That’s what I need to do for my health. I understand that you might not like that. This is what I need to do for my health.”

This is absurd and rude.

Just don’t respond or respond but say “mom I’m too busy to respond right now talk later”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. What about, “The most helpful thing you can do for me right now is manage your own anxiety around my health rather than asking me to manage it for you. That means you can’t rely on EXACT details of what I ate and how I’m feeling to reassure you. You will have to find a different way to manage your anxiety about it. As I’ve told you before, I will absolutely notify you if there is any change in my health or employment or anything significant. But I won’t give you minute details about what I’m eating or feeling or what appointments I went to or how much leave I have left.”

Does that work? I need a script, but a more gentle script than what people often suggest for boundary-setting!

I think that’s fine. I might add a sentence like “I love you and appreciate your concern but the way you are expressing it is just adding another burden to everything else I’m experiencing right now because I’d don’t have time or energy to answer you in such detail.”

[Anonymous]

It's her anxiety causing this - but I get that it is super annoying. I would just copy and paste a short, non-detailed response, "mom, wanted to let you know that I got your text. I appreciate your concern but don't have the bandwidth to text in detail about this."

[Anonymous]

Stop engaging. Just stop. Tell her you love her but are taking a step back from all this communication due to her inability to respect your stated needs/boundaries. It's not that hard- just don't answer her texts or calls. Send her a brief two or three line update every week.

Seriously.

This is a really enmeshed situation for your age. Unless she has dealt with your issue all your life and has been the one to pick up the pieces for you every time (so she is trying to conserve her resources to bail you out- therefore needs to be in the know), she really DOESN'T need to know it all. You are not helping her or your anxiety.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP.

That's so hard. I might push back a bit - "are you asking what I ate because you're offering to do meal prep? Are you asking about my leave so you can take DC to appointments? Are you asking about my job because you're expecting to help me financially? Are you asking about my symptoms so you can come over and watch DC."

Or in a milder version" thanks for checking in. Today has been rough. I'm exhausted and I haven't had the energy to cook. It would be great if you could come over with a casserole and sit with DC so I can eat and nap. "

But that all depends on how far you want to push it and your mother's health and proximity. I can understand not wanting to go this way. I do think it's a way to remind her she is creating anxiety but not offering actual help.

The other thing is to explain dumping in VS dumping out. You don't dump your anxiety and worries on the suffering person. You and DC can vent to grandma but she can't dump on you and vent to you. She has to find someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. What about, “The most helpful thing you can do for me right now is manage your own anxiety around my health rather than asking me to manage it for you. That means you can’t rely on EXACT details of what I ate and how I’m feeling to reassure you. You will have to find a different way to manage your anxiety about it. As I’ve told you before, I will absolutely notify you if there is any change in my health or employment or anything significant. But I won’t give you minute details about what I’m eating or feeling or what appointments I went to or how much leave I have left.”

Does that work? I need a script, but a more gentle script than what people often suggest for boundary-setting!

Way too long. Literally every word you provide gives her something to argue/perseverate about. “Fine, no further updates until X date. I’ll call you then.”

[Anonymous]

Block her and tell DH or someone to handle communication with her. You can reach out when comfortable for you.