Help me understand why this is aggravating and how to explain to my mom

[Anonymous]

I’m a 45 year old woman who is significantly sick. I’m also a single mom to a special needs child. I have my hands full. My mom is very worried about my health (but doesn’t seem worried about or to understand at all my child care responsibilities). I don’t want to be a source of concern for her, but I also don’t have the bandwidth to respond to her texts and emails in the level of detail that she’s requesting. I have told her that, and I also told her that it’s stressful that she’s asking me questions over and over about things that I don’t have answers to (like “what’s going to happen with work? Are you going to get fired? How many days of leave do you have left? What happens if you go back and get sick again immediately?”). She says she doesn’t understand why that’s stressful for me. I don’t know how to explain it to her. My life is in complete upheaval, I’m doing my best to get my daughter and I through it, and my mom just pokes and pokes. How to explain?

She also sends long texts and emails asking me about symptoms and what I’ve done for them, and she isn’t satisfied with a short response. For example, she will ask, “Tell me EXACTLY what your symptoms are today. What have you eaten and had to drink today EXACTLY? Have you gained or lost any weight?” Plus about 8 more questions. When I respond and don’t answer every question she says she doesn’t understand why I’m being secretive with her and she is my mother and has a right to know these things. (Reminder that I’m 45.)

I don’t want her to be worried. Truly. But I also need to enforce a boundary here. What should I say?

I have limited energy for this, honestly. I am so very exhausted from being sick.

[Anonymous]

She is trying to help, just very poorly. I am sorry, OP, and I wish that I had an answer. It sounds like she loves you very much, so please hold that nugget.

I hope that other posters have better boundary setting suggestions. I have validation for you that you are justified but nothing concrete. Take care.

[Anonymous]

Its nice of you to try to be responsive. If she came for a few days would that be helpful? Otherwise jusr don't respond or respond repeatedly with I am managing with my doctors and will let you know when I need input.

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Tell her you cannot take on the burden of reassuring her. She needs a therapist or a trusted friend. You will be giving her updates as follows:

Green = all is well
Yellow = things aren’t super easy, but all manageable
Red = things are difficult

You will give her one update a day, with the “color” for the day AND as much information as you are willing to share for that day. If you need her help, you will ask for her specific help.

If she presses and isn’t satisfied with one update a day, you will drop to an update every other day, then every third day, etc., until she can demonstrate that she understands and respects the way you choose to update.

Good luck. I’m sorry it is so difficult.

[Anonymous]

I’m really sorry that you have to deal with this on top of being sick. I think that the only way to deal with this is to let go of convincing her to understand you. It doesn’t matter. Set a clear boundary and follow it.

“Your texts and endless questions are stressful to me. Moving forward, I’m blocking your texts and calls. I’ll call you on Sunday afternoons at 4pm for 30 minutes. That’s what I need to do for my health. I understand that you might not like that. This is what I need to do for my health.”

[Anonymous]

I’m terrible with this and also try to appease my mom, then get frustrated. My sister is much better. She would say something like, “I only have so much time to hang out with you, and I don’t want to spend it talking about this.” And that seems to work.

[Anonymous]

Texts are easy to ignore. Just mute her so you don’t get notifications.
If you are on the phone, I like PP’s suggestion. Sorry mom, I only have 5 min to talk and if this is what you want to talk about I am going to end this call.
She’s got anxiety and just imposing that on you.

[Anonymous]

One thing you can do is set up Focus time on your phone so you won’t be interrupted all the time. Hear the iPhone instructions: https://support.apple.com/guide/iphone/turn-a-focus-on-or-off-iph5c3f5b77b/16.0/ios/16.0. Pretty sure Androids have this too.

[Anonymous]

So sorry you’re going through all this.

Your mom has anxiety but you cannot manage it for her. She is terrified and wants you to reassure her, but you can’t. Let go of the idea that you will find the words to make her understand and she will change. That won’t happen. I wonder if you can stop texting - which can go back and forth forever and instead agree to a 2x a week call for 15 minutes that is over and done?

[Anonymous]

Just stop engaging. Every time you respond to her, it teaches her that if she is persistent, you will crack.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. What about, “The most helpful thing you can do for me right now is manage your own anxiety around my health rather than asking me to manage it for you. That means you can’t rely on EXACT details of what I ate and how I’m feeling to reassure you. You will have to find a different way to manage your anxiety about it. As I’ve told you before, I will absolutely notify you if there is any change in my health or employment or anything significant. But I won’t give you minute details about what I’m eating or feeling or what appointments I went to or how much leave I have left.”

Does that work? I need a script, but a more gentle script than what people often suggest for boundary-setting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry you’re going through all this.

Your mom has anxiety but you cannot manage it for her. She is terrified and wants you to reassure her, but you can’t. Let go of the idea that you will find the words to make her understand and she will change. That won’t happen. I wonder if you can stop texting - which can go back and forth forever and instead agree to a 2x a week call for 15 minutes that is over and done?

This is OP. The folks saying I need to let go of “helping her understand” are right. That’s helpful. I haven’t let go yet, but I know I need to!

I will think about switching to phone calls. I moved us to texting because I preferred that. She is super critical, which is harder to deal with over the phone. And if I need to ignore a barrage of questions for a while, I can by text. It’s all harder over the phone.

[Anonymous]

You just neeed to stop texting back right away. Put the thread on mute and respond once a day only.

[Anonymous]

Point out to her that it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t understand why it’s stressful for you to be asked all her questions. All she has to understand is that it IS stressful for you.

[Anonymous]

She IS worried. You can't stop her from worrying. I think that's something you need to let go of. She sees how difficult the situation is, and of course she's worried. Just be honest and let that go. She might be sending that you're withholding things from her and that's making her more anxious.

Now, figure out how to handle her in a way that's less annoying for you.