Irate with older sister surrounding comment made to DD at our mothers funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she still shows disdain for you and acts that way to your children it’s not worth it to continue with the charade.

Has she been better to you at all since you’ve grown up?

Is she someone you could attempt to have a conversation with about what happened in the past? When I’m in this position and am thinking about low contact with a person the decision is often based on whether I think we can have a reasonable conversation to help get past things. If not, they get jettisoned but I don’t announce it. Go low contact so you can reassess at a later time.

I’m also someone who needs to understand the whys in a situation. Now is not the appropriate time but have you ever told her you feel like she hated you and asked her what was going on? I’m curious about what dysfunction was going on to create this dynamic. Maybe this could help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call her out on her cruelty your daughter and tell her you don’t wish to discuss it (because she’s not a reasonable person, so there’s no point) but that you’re taking a break from Friday dinners. Your daughter needs to be protected and she is your first priority.

I like this. I think you protect DD at all costs. But let your sister know of her behavior was unacceptable and you need (2 months worth of Fridays, maybe?) to process and figure out what your relationship looks like moving forward. And if it moves forward, OP should be totally transparent about their feelings on her behavior over your lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who else comes to the family dinners?

Not that it matters, she shouldn’t.

Mostly just our immediate family. Me, DH, DD & our two sons. Sometimes DH’s parents will come or his brothers family but that’s rare.

My older brother doesn’t live close by and is already back home. We aren’t super close either but we get along fine. We are 17 years apart so not much in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who else comes to the family dinners?

Not that it matters, she shouldn’t.

Mostly just our immediate family. Me, DH, DD & our two sons. Sometimes DH’s parents will come or his brothers family but that’s rare.

My older brother doesn’t live close by and is already back home. We aren’t super close either but we get along fine. We are 17 years apart so not much in common.

Edit to add. My mother would come until she got too sick to attend. My sister came occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest moving closer to her kids & grandchildren if she wants a family connection.

Her sons don’t want her around. Or at least their wives don’t. According to her her DIL have poisoned her boys against her.

So she has me. Who she hates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does she want to start joining family dinners if she hates you so much? Tell her to kick rocks and continue doing your thing.

She’s incredibly lonely. DH feels sorry for her but I know she’s done this to herself. She drives everyone away.

[Anonymous]

What do you think you should do op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for the loss of your mother.

I would take a break from her. And tell her the last straw was her behavior to your daughter. You don’t need to make the decision today that the break is permanent. I would do my best to not go nuclear in the discussion - but rather be direct and indifferent.

Also, while your sister’s normal behavior seems to be rooted in jealousy, I would cut her a tiny break here as she is grieving too. A tiny one.

What do I say about the Friday dinner?

DH thinks I should give her another chance but I really don’t want her and DD together anytime soon.

If she wants into dinner, you have the upper hand. She needs to apologize—first to you, then to your DD—and you need to be satisfied with the apology, or she’s not invited.

I don’t hold out a lot of hope here; someone willing to say that to an 11 yo is pretty foul. I personally would not be entertaining dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a late in life accident and have an older sister who is 56 and an older brother who is 59.

My father died when I was 14 and ever since my sister stopped hiding her outright disdain for me.

I never really was close to her growing up and she was married and out of the house by the time I started school. But in my late teens and early adulthood she made it clear she did not like me.

It was whatever but our Mom was diagnosed with cancer about 8 years ago and she moved back to help care for her (she divorced and her kids are grown).

I remained living in the same city as my mom and we were very close. My kids were also very close to her and spent much more time with my mother versus my sisters kids who lived states away. This has always eaten up at my sister. And since my sister knows her snide comments don’t affect me, she has decided to go after my kids.

My mother passed last week (after a very long battle) and we had her viewing and funeral this weekend. We had an open casket and DD (11) did not want to see the body. She attended the viewing but did not go in and apparently my sister pulled her aside and called her selfish and said she must “really not have loved her Grandma if she’s not willing to give her one last goodbye.”

My daughter said goodbye to her the day before she passed and frankly that was traumatic enough. I beyond livid with my sister but didn’t want to cause a scene until my mom was buried.

DD is very upset and we are all grieving and now that my Mom has passed I’m ready to just end this relationship. She clearly doesn’t like me. What’s the point. Now that she’s harming my kids I am done.

I know emotions are all heightened but she wants to start coming to family dinners and I don’t want her in our house anymore. I know she’s lonely but it’s her fault for pushing everyone away with her miserable attitude.

DH thinks I’m being too harsh but he has a really great relationship with his siblings.

Thoughts?

She moved back 8 years ago and helped take care of your mother since then. Was she the primary caregiver? That is quite a bit. It doesn’t forgive what she said, but it helps give you the space to give a little grace. Take some time for yourself you are both still raw from the death. Maybe it might be helpful to go to counseling together after a few months to see if you can’t come to a better place.

[Anonymous]

Wow. When I was a little older than your daughter my 5 year old cousin died. One of my standout childhood memories is my grandpa giving me a hard time about not wanting to go look at her in the casket and my dad snapping at my grandpa to leave me alone—nobody ever raised their voice to my grandpa.

Unless you sister apologizes or otherwise shows changed behavior/attitude towards you and her family, I’d stay away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you think you should do op?

I think we will be keeping this Friday dinner to just us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest moving closer to her kids & grandchildren if she wants a family connection.

Her sons don’t want her around. Or at least their wives don’t. According to her her DIL have poisoned her boys against her.

So she has me. Who she hates.

These types always use the excuse that someone poisoned everyone against them.

She will find something your daughter is insecure about and pick at her when you're not in the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right.
End the relationship.
That is some damaged woman to go after a grieving 11yo.

+1

If this was out of character for her I’d chalk it up to a weird grief thing and advise you to have a calm talk with her when things settle. But this seems to be the pattern for her.

[Anonymous]

I think, as of right now, you should end the idea of "Friday dinners." If she asks, just say you're not up to family dinners at all for a while. Maybe if you stop making it a "thing," she will stop asking about it. If your DH wants his family over, do it on a Saturday or Sunday and don't call it a family dinner. Just end the whole concept of Friday Family Dinners.

And I agree that's a wholly inappropriate thing to say to your daughter, especially when a loved one has passed. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should demand an apology or say she was mean. She has been this way her whole life! Do you expect some change by addressing it?
Just say your dd or whole family is needing some subdued time on your own to process things and don't feel like hosting for a while. Then don't reach out again. If she calls with some emergency or request, keep making an excuse. If it's true that she dislikes you all so much, she won't be reaching out. If you feel any guilt about her later on, reach out to her sons that they should check in with her. A confrontation about her behavior implies you want to work through the issue and continue the relationship but you don't.