Irate with older sister surrounding comment made to DD at our mothers funeral

[Anonymous]

You confront sister once you have reflected on the situation and are calm. Just state that what was said to DD was unacceptable and will not be tolerated. She overstepped but allow that due to the circumstances sister was grieving and may not have thought through what she said. Give her the opportunity to redeem herself. Limit any ongoing contact until your sister apologizes to both you & DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You confront sister once you have reflected on the situation and are calm. Just state that what was said to DD was unacceptable and will not be tolerated. She overstepped but allow that due to the circumstances sister was grieving and may not have thought through what she said. Give her the opportunity to redeem herself. Limit any ongoing contact until your sister apologizes to both you & DD.

Why? Why should OP give the sister this opportunity? To a person who has never been nice to her? Families are about more than just DNA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a late in life accident and have an older sister who is 56 and an older brother who is 59.

My father died when I was 14 and ever since my sister stopped hiding her outright disdain for me.

I never really was close to her growing up and she was married and out of the house by the time I started school. But in my late teens and early adulthood she made it clear she did not like me.

It was whatever but our Mom was diagnosed with cancer about 8 years ago and she moved back to help care for her (she divorced and her kids are grown).

I remained living in the same city as my mom and we were very close. My kids were also very close to her and spent much more time with my mother versus my sisters kids who lived states away. This has always eaten up at my sister. And since my sister knows her snide comments don’t affect me, she has decided to go after my kids.

My mother passed last week (after a very long battle) and we had her viewing and funeral this weekend. We had an open casket and DD (11) did not want to see the body. She attended the viewing but did not go in and apparently my sister pulled her aside and called her selfish and said she must “really not have loved her Grandma if she’s not willing to give her one last goodbye.”

My daughter said goodbye to her the day before she passed and frankly that was traumatic enough. I beyond livid with my sister but didn’t want to cause a scene until my mom was buried.

DD is very upset and we are all grieving and now that my Mom has passed I’m ready to just end this relationship. She clearly doesn’t like me. What’s the point. Now that she’s harming my kids I am done.

I know emotions are all heightened but she wants to start coming to family dinners and I don’t want her in our house anymore. I know she’s lonely but it’s her fault for pushing everyone away with her miserable attitude.

DH thinks I’m being too harsh but he has a really great relationship with his siblings.

Thoughts?

I have a sister like this and I ended the relationship long ago. Send her on her way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a late in life accident and have an older sister who is 56 and an older brother who is 59.

My father died when I was 14 and ever since my sister stopped hiding her outright disdain for me.

I never really was close to her growing up and she was married and out of the house by the time I started school. But in my late teens and early adulthood she made it clear she did not like me.

It was whatever but our Mom was diagnosed with cancer about 8 years ago and she moved back to help care for her (she divorced and her kids are grown).

I remained living in the same city as my mom and we were very close. My kids were also very close to her and spent much more time with my mother versus my sisters kids who lived states away. This has always eaten up at my sister. And since my sister knows her snide comments don’t affect me, she has decided to go after my kids.

My mother passed last week (after a very long battle) and we had her viewing and funeral this weekend. We had an open casket and DD (11) did not want to see the body. She attended the viewing but did not go in and apparently my sister pulled her aside and called her selfish and said she must “really not have loved her Grandma if she’s not willing to give her one last goodbye.”

My daughter said goodbye to her the day before she passed and frankly that was traumatic enough. I beyond livid with my sister but didn’t want to cause a scene until my mom was buried.

DD is very upset and we are all grieving and now that my Mom has passed I’m ready to just end this relationship. She clearly doesn’t like me. What’s the point. Now that she’s harming my kids I am done.

I know emotions are all heightened but she wants to start coming to family dinners and I don’t want her in our house anymore. I know she’s lonely but it’s her fault for pushing everyone away with her miserable attitude.

DH thinks I’m being too harsh but he has a really great relationship with his siblings.

Thoughts?

I have a sister like this and I ended the relationship long ago. Send her on her way.

+1 Same.

Your sister of jealous of you, she is jealous of your life, she is jealous of the relationship your DC had with your mother, all of it. She will never be a different person. She will never be a better person. Stop expecting her to grow up. Stop expecting her to change, OP. Your sister will never be a good human, stop expecting that to happen.

If your DH's siblings pulled that crap, or treated you, DH or DC that way, you would feel the same - you would notice, and act accordingly. Stop cutting this awful excuse of a sibling so much slack. You owe her nothing. Stop trying to be the better person, because your awful sibling is counting on that, and taking advantage, until she gets what she wants. No is a full sentence. No is a full answer. You owe her no explanations, nothing. Back away now. I grant you permission to cut the negativity out of your life. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a late in life accident and have an older sister who is 56 and an older brother who is 59.

My father died when I was 14 and ever since my sister stopped hiding her outright disdain for me.

I never really was close to her growing up and she was married and out of the house by the time I started school. But in my late teens and early adulthood she made it clear she did not like me.

It was whatever but our Mom was diagnosed with cancer about 8 years ago and she moved back to help care for her (she divorced and her kids are grown).

I remained living in the same city as my mom and we were very close. My kids were also very close to her and spent much more time with my mother versus my sisters kids who lived states away. This has always eaten up at my sister. And since my sister knows her snide comments don’t affect me, she has decided to go after my kids.

My mother passed last week (after a very long battle) and we had her viewing and funeral this weekend. We had an open casket and DD (11) did not want to see the body. She attended the viewing but did not go in and apparently my sister pulled her aside and called her selfish and said she must “really not have loved her Grandma if she’s not willing to give her one last goodbye.”

My daughter said goodbye to her the day before she passed and frankly that was traumatic enough. I beyond livid with my sister but didn’t want to cause a scene until my mom was buried.

DD is very upset and we are all grieving and now that my Mom has passed I’m ready to just end this relationship. She clearly doesn’t like me. What’s the point. Now that she’s harming my kids I am done.

I know emotions are all heightened but she wants to start coming to family dinners and I don’t want her in our house anymore. I know she’s lonely but it’s her fault for pushing everyone away with her miserable attitude.

DH thinks I’m being too harsh but he has a really great relationship with his siblings.

Thoughts?

I have a sister like this and I ended the relationship long ago. Send her on her way.

+1 Same.

Your sister of jealous of you, she is jealous of your life, she is jealous of the relationship your DC had with your mother, all of it. She will never be a different person. She will never be a better person. Stop expecting her to grow up. Stop expecting her to change, OP. Your sister will never be a good human, stop expecting that to happen.

If your DH's siblings pulled that crap, or treated you, DH or DC that way, you would feel the same - you would notice, and act accordingly. Stop cutting this awful excuse of a sibling so much slack. You owe her nothing. Stop trying to be the better person, because your awful sibling is counting on that, and taking advantage, until she gets what she wants. No is a full sentence. No is a full answer. You owe her no explanations, nothing. Back away now. I grant you permission to cut the negativity out of your life. Now.

I'm curious why you assume jealousy? Not defending the sister here, at all. But there is nothing in OP's post to indicate that the way sister feels about OP is rooted in jealousy. (Yes there is a reference to relationships between the mom and grandkids, but that is it.)

[Anonymous]

I would tell sister we're not doing dinner because our family was very hurt by what she said at the viewing. I think her response will be instructive. If she acknowledges that the comment was the one she made to DD and she is sorry, there's some hope. If she acts like she has no clue what you're talking about or what comment and to whom, then you know she's not capable of self reflection.

[Anonymous]

I have a maternal family that is full of such women. They love each other to bits, but that doesn't stop them from backstabbing, spreading rumors, making those types of comments, and others along the lines of "you've gained weight", "you need to do something, your daughter is fat", "you're husband is a layabout and does nothing, I don't know why you're still married", etc... MY OWN MOTHER has said all these things to me. And yet she loves me deeply. She cares, but expresses it very offensively.

So... if I go by my own experience, it's not that your sister doesn't care about you. It's that she doesn't show it in a constructive way, and you need to protect yourself and your kids from the worst of her remarks. None of them are dealbreakers, to me, given my own family. But they are reasons to not visit or call very often, and to keep anything from her that would give her ammunition. I rarely divulge our family's problems to my mother, unless it's good news that my mother can breathlessly report to her sisters to one-up them.

[Anonymous]

Nope. You have known for a long time she dislikes you. She does not get any further access to your kids, so she can continue with her verbal attacks.

If she wanted regular warm cozy family gatherings she should have acted differently. Be honest. Point out to her that she has openly disliked you for years and has been cruel to your young daughter. Ask her why would you invite her into your home?

[Anonymous]

Cut her off you don’t owe her anything and you don’t want to have her on your hands when she gets old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right.
End the relationship.
That is some damaged woman to go after a grieving 11yo.

When disinviting her you should mention this exact specific incident. She has no business being around developing children. Protect your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for the loss of your mother.

I would take a break from her. And tell her the last straw was her behavior to your daughter. You don’t need to make the decision today that the break is permanent. I would do my best to not go nuclear in the discussion - but rather be direct and indifferent.

Also, while your sister’s normal behavior seems to be rooted in jealousy, I would cut her a tiny break here as she is grieving too. A tiny one.

What do I say about the Friday dinner?

DH thinks I should give her another chance but I really don’t want her and DD together anytime soon.

I would tell her that what she said to your daughter at the funeral is why she is uninvited from the Friday dinner. Be clear that you need time to deal with that behavior and you will contact her when you are ready to have a calm discussion about your relationship. Unless you can be calm now (I would not be which is why I suggest just ending the invite for Friday dinners for now) to discuss her prior treatment of you and why you are stepping away from having a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest moving closer to her kids & grandchildren if she wants a family connection.

[Anonymous]

If she still shows disdain for you and acts that way to your children it’s not worth it to continue with the charade.

Has she been better to you at all since you’ve grown up?

Is she someone you could attempt to have a conversation with about what happened in the past? When I’m in this position and am thinking about low contact with a person the decision is often based on whether I think we can have a reasonable conversation to help get past things. If not, they get jettisoned but I don’t announce it. Go low contact so you can reassess at a later time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have a maternal family that is full of such women. They love each other to bits, but that doesn't stop them from backstabbing, spreading rumors, making those types of comments, and others along the lines of "you've gained weight", "you need to do something, your daughter is fat", "you're husband is a layabout and does nothing, I don't know why you're still married", etc... MY OWN MOTHER has said all these things to me. And yet she loves me deeply. She cares, but expresses it very offensively.

So... if I go by my own experience, it's not that your sister doesn't care about you. It's that she doesn't show it in a constructive way, and you need to protect yourself and your kids from the worst of her remarks. None of them are dealbreakers, to me, given my own family. But they are reasons to not visit or call very often, and to keep anything from her that would give her ammunition. I rarely divulge our family's problems to my mother, unless it's good news that my mother can breathlessly report to her sisters to one-up them.

This is mostly because you’ve normalized abuse. I’m not saying it to be snarky.

If you’re able to maintain your relationships with these people and you aren’t affected by thei abuse then kudos to you. It’s great you’ve worked this out and I hope you continue to have a good relationship with your mom.

[Anonymous]

Why does she want to start joining family dinners if she hates you so much? Tell her to kick rocks and continue doing your thing.