Irate with older sister surrounding comment made to DD at our mothers funeral

[Anonymous]

I’m a late in life accident and have an older sister who is 56 and an older brother who is 59.

My father died when I was 14 and ever since my sister stopped hiding her outright disdain for me.

I never really was close to her growing up and she was married and out of the house by the time I started school. But in my late teens and early adulthood she made it clear she did not like me.

It was whatever but our Mom was diagnosed with cancer about 8 years ago and she moved back to help care for her (she divorced and her kids are grown).

I remained living in the same city as my mom and we were very close. My kids were also very close to her and spent much more time with my mother versus my sisters kids who lived states away. This has always eaten up at my sister. And since my sister knows her snide comments don’t affect me, she has decided to go after my kids.

My mother passed last week (after a very long battle) and we had her viewing and funeral this weekend. We had an open casket and DD (11) did not want to see the body. She attended the viewing but did not go in and apparently my sister pulled her aside and called her selfish and said she must “really not have loved her Grandma if she’s not willing to give her one last goodbye.”

My daughter said goodbye to her the day before she passed and frankly that was traumatic enough. I beyond livid with my sister but didn’t want to cause a scene until my mom was buried.

DD is very upset and we are all grieving and now that my Mom has passed I’m ready to just end this relationship. She clearly doesn’t like me. What’s the point. Now that she’s harming my kids I am done.

I know emotions are all heightened but she wants to start coming to family dinners and I don’t want her in our house anymore. I know she’s lonely but it’s her fault for pushing everyone away with her miserable attitude.

DH thinks I’m being too harsh but he has a really great relationship with his siblings.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

You are right.
End the relationship.
That is some damaged woman to go after a grieving 11yo.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for the loss of your mother.

I would take a break from her. And tell her the last straw was her behavior to your daughter. You don’t need to make the decision today that the break is permanent. I would do my best to not go nuclear in the discussion - but rather be direct and indifferent.

Also, while your sister’s normal behavior seems to be rooted in jealousy, I would cut her a tiny break here as she is grieving too. A tiny one.

[Anonymous]

That's unforgivable. I would say she needs to sincerely apologize to DD but I wouldn't trust her to do that. Please explain to DD the context of the relationship and that she said that to get to you. I truly hope she didn't take that to heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for the loss of your mother.

I would take a break from her. And tell her the last straw was her behavior to your daughter. You don’t need to make the decision today that the break is permanent. I would do my best to not go nuclear in the discussion - but rather be direct and indifferent.

Also, while your sister’s normal behavior seems to be rooted in jealousy, I would cut her a tiny break here as she is grieving too. A tiny one.

What do I say about the Friday dinner?

DH thinks I should give her another chance but I really don’t want her and DD together anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Tell your DD that when her mother died, it made your sister feel out of control, bc we can't control whether people live or die, and she tried to regain control by making your DD see Grandma, but Sister was wrong. Tell DD everyone gets to say goodbye in their own way, and anyway it matters more how you treated someone while they were alive than how you say goodbye once they've died.

Then don't have your sister to your house. This was just the last in a long line of mean things she's said to you.

[Anonymous]

End it. How gross of her.

[Anonymous]

The simplest thing to do is to take a break from Friday dinners. This is an emotional time and probably not the best time (for both of you) for a confrontation. If you want to see your older brother, meet him somewhere for brunch.

[Anonymous]

That is not behavior that deserves another chance, especially given how she has behaved since your father passed, You might consider another chance to someone who admits poor behavior, apologized of her own accord and gets therapy, but that is not the case here.

I assume she used to come to Friday dinners? If so, and you are not always the host, just take a break from them and see your brother for other private get together.

[Anonymous]

Why would you have her over to your home for Friday dinners? She sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

If it was me, I would cut her off. Sounds like nothing but trouble and you don’t even like each other. There is a history here of animosity, not a one off comment in an otherwise healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is wrong. Take this one Friday at a time. Don’t have a Friday dinner this week.

[Anonymous]

Your sister’s behavior towards your daughter is unhinged. Protecting your daughter at such a vulnerable time is your first obligation. You do not owe your sister a pass.
That said, given that you live in the same town, being in a cordial stance may come in handy. You don’t need to like, much less love her. But it is always good to treat everyone around you in a respectful manner. Keep a neutral, calm tone and recognize that only a pitiful person would make such ridiculous remarks to a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it was me, I would cut her off. Sounds like nothing but trouble and you don’t even like each other. There is a history here of animosity, not a one off comment in an otherwise healthy relationship.

+100
Show your daughter that you support her above all else.

[Anonymous]

Who else comes to the family dinners?

Not that it matters, she shouldn’t.