Irate with older sister surrounding comment made to DD at our mothers funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who else comes to the family dinners?

Not that it matters, she shouldn’t.

Mostly just our immediate family. Me, DH, DD & our two sons. Sometimes DH’s parents will come or his brothers family but that’s rare.

My older brother doesn’t live close by and is already back home. We aren’t super close either but we get along fine. We are 17 years apart so not much in common.

Edit to add. My mother would come until she got too sick to attend. My sister came occasionally.

Why did you assume she'd be there this Friday if it was only occasional before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think, as of right now, you should end the idea of "Friday dinners." If she asks, just say you're not up to family dinners at all for a while. Maybe if you stop making it a "thing," she will stop asking about it. If your DH wants his family over, do it on a Saturday or Sunday and don't call it a family dinner. Just end the whole concept of Friday Family Dinners.

And I agree that's a wholly inappropriate thing to say to your daughter, especially when a loved one has passed. I'm sorry for your loss.

I mean, if it's just you and your spouse and kids, that's just... dinner. You don't owe anyone an explanation about it. You don't have to have the drama of cutting your sister off... just slow fade. If she asks to come for dinner, say you're not hosting guests and move on. Then just start ghosting if she doesn't get the hint. She really doesn't deserve your energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who else comes to the family dinners?

Not that it matters, she shouldn’t.

Mostly just our immediate family. Me, DH, DD & our two sons. Sometimes DH’s parents will come or his brothers family but that’s rare.

My older brother doesn’t live close by and is already back home. We aren’t super close either but we get along fine. We are 17 years apart so not much in common.

Edit to add. My mother would come until she got too sick to attend. My sister came occasionally.

Why did you assume she'd be there this Friday if it was only occasional before?

Because she asked to come before the funeral.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother died when I was 11 and I was absomutirou petrified to go into the room during her viewing. I distinctly remember like it was yesterday how my older cousins and aunts/uncles (my mom was the youngest of 8) rallied comforted me in the lobby area of the funeral home.

Your sister is a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

^absolutely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your DD that when her mother died, it made your sister feel out of control, bc we can't control whether people live or die, and she tried to regain control by making your DD see Grandma, but Sister was wrong. Tell DD everyone gets to say goodbye in their own way, and anyway it matters more how you treated someone while they were alive than how you say goodbye once they've died.

Then don't have your sister to your house. This was just the last in a long line of mean things she's said to you.

This. Grieving people say crazy, crazy things. This doesn't seem like it changes your opinion of your sister, but just confirms it.

Don't let your kids be around your sister too much though.

[Anonymous]

I’m just going to ditto a previous poster who said this is your call, not your husband’s, no matter how sorry she feels for your sister. He should be deferring to you and how you want to proceed moving forward because it’s you who has had the lifetime of interactions with your sister and who knows her best not him.

[Anonymous]

My sister has done similar awful things. When she verbally attacked my spouse and children, I was done.

If you see your sister again, don’t see her where you can’t make a quick exit. So don’t see her at your house. Better to be out so you can leave if she starts acting out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has done similar awful things. When she verbally attacked my spouse and children, I was done.

If you see your sister again, don’t see her where you can’t make a quick exit. So don’t see her at your house. Better to be out so you can leave if she starts acting out.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think, as of right now, you should end the idea of "Friday dinners." If she asks, just say you're not up to family dinners at all for a while. Maybe if you stop making it a "thing," she will stop asking about it. If your DH wants his family over, do it on a Saturday or Sunday and don't call it a family dinner. Just end the whole concept of Friday Family Dinners.

And I agree that's a wholly inappropriate thing to say to your daughter, especially when a loved one has passed. I'm sorry for your loss.

Woah, don't ruin the Friday dinner tradition just because of the sister. Nobody deserves that.

But don't lie to your sister either.

[Anonymous]

Your Sister was extremely rude. You can distance yourself from rude people. Relatives don't get a pass.

[Anonymous]

I do not believe this really happened exactly as described. No way. OP is hearing this second hand from a 11 year old who has been predisposed against her aunt for her entire life. I’m taking this with a huge grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not believe this really happened exactly as described. No way. OP is hearing this second hand from a 11 year old who has been predisposed against her aunt for her entire life. I’m taking this with a huge grain of salt.

This take sounds like a "you" problem. You probably missed your calling as an investigative reporter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not believe this really happened exactly as described. No way. OP is hearing this second hand from a 11 year old who has been predisposed against her aunt for her entire life. I’m taking this with a huge grain of salt.

This take sounds like a "you" problem. You probably missed your calling as an investigative reporter.

Why? We’re only getting one side of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not believe this really happened exactly as described. No way. OP is hearing this second hand from a 11 year old who has been predisposed against her aunt for her entire life. I’m taking this with a huge grain of salt.

I wouldn't have said this in exactly these words or this tone....but in general I agree.

OP is grieving.
A child is grieving.
A sister, no matter how awful, is grieving.
11yo children are not the most reliable narrators.
OP would understandably be likely to interpret the report in the worst way possible, given the circumstances and the history.


Just take a beat, like a REALY long beat. And come back to it.